Page 57 of Yearning Difficulties

I stuffed some macaroni and cheese into my mouth, downed a pint of cold water and then made my way to the senior common room. There was already a small crowd gathered by the large royal blue notice board. Sterling Cavendish was approaching the front, pushing people out of her path. It took her a good while to read the five names, but when she was finished, she screamed.

‘Baby!’ she cried out, launching herself onto Logan Minola’s torso. ‘You did it!’

Tall and taciturn, Logan didn’t visibly react, but he did check the list for his own peace of mind.

I told myself that it would be all right. I had a great application packet without this seminar. It didn’t matter that it was an almost guaranteed ticket to the universities I wanted. There was always more than one path.

I made my way towards the board, holding my breath without meaning to and feeling annoyingly hot and nervous.

I saw Logan’s name. I saw Sterling Cavendish’s name – that surprised me. I felt a little sad for her. She should celebrate her own achievements as well as his.

There were two names I hardly knew and then:

Zella Blass.

I stared for a moment, wondering if I was hallucinating – if my overactive imagination had gone into overdrive and invented this.

I felt a sharp stab of emotion. Elation. Pride.

Then anxiety. Because this was all because of Killian. Despite his soft words about believing in my talent, in my capabilities, I couldn’t shake the hollow realization that this was because of him.

That I had never believed in myself enough. We’d had to arrange this whole charade just to up my chances. Maybe this was all due to my hard work. Perhaps the scheme had been entirely responsible.

And now, I would never know.

Twenty

Cast Supper

Today’s Track: ‘Move On’ by Stephen Sondheim

The feast would take place in the middle of the knights’ arena. The jousting equipment was struck from the set and a long, narrow table was erected for the entire cast and crew to sit around.

I sleepwalked through the rest of school that day. I smiled and thanked the teachers who congratulated me on my seminar place. I fist-bumped Cherry before last period and returned Chris and Anderson’s waves from the opposite end of the library. I even managed to have a wonderfully civil broadcast on Radio Panache with Priya and Dave.

Dave and I discussed the best way to get around the more unromantic aspects of the technological age and he made me laugh with an impression of his widowed grandmother trying to adjust to dating apps.

When it was over, I asked Dave how his father was. Dave heard the understanding in my question and gave me a gentle answer. It healed something between the two of us. Patched over a crack that needed some goodwill inside of it.

He offered to walk with me to the arena for the cast and crew feast and I politely consented.

But I missed my friend.

I missed Killian.

I missed him sending me stupid memes. I missed our scheme. I knew it was right that we were to end the charade at the feast. I had caused too many problems for him. Even while a huge part of me was still mad at him for our confused and angry fight at Logan’s house, I needed to make things right.

We both had what we wanted and now we needed to let each other go. Perhaps we’d become friends again when it all died down.

I just wished I could have said as much to him before the feast.

I fired off a text as I made my way to the arena.

Excited for super-epic public breakup?

He read it but didn’t reply.

I was still trying to crush my hurt feelings as I arrived for the feast. Most of the cast and crew were already there, passing food and drink down the long table. I couldn’t see Killian anywhere.