Page 53 of Yearning Difficulties

We stared at one another.

Killian allowed Bibi to scoot by him, and when we were alone, he locked the door and sat down across from me. There was roughly four feet of carpet between us and neither he nor I spoke for about a minute. The sound of the housewarming party raged all around us.

I wanted to kick myself.

‘I hate parties,’ I finally breathed.

He gave me a sad smile. ‘Maybe you just hate yourself in them.’

I blinked, startled. ‘What did you say?’

He cleared his throat. ‘Sorry. I just meant—’

‘No, you’re right.’ I cut off his apology. ‘That’s exactly it. God. Major déjà vu moment, sorry. But yeah. I hate how bad at them I can be.’

It was almost a year ago, when I’d gone to a Halloween party at Logan and Bibi’s old house and hidden in a linen closet. Kissed a stranger. Wondered why it never felt like that with Dave.

‘I was being a dick,’ Killian said gruffly.

My polite-self felt bad, and her instinct was to console him but I ignored her. ‘Yes, you were.’

‘I don’t mind being a dick to other people, but it doesn’t feel particularly great being a dick to you.’

I rolled my eyes. ‘High praise indeed.’

‘I don’t know.’ He glanced around the ornate room. ‘Maybe I’m not very good at this fakery stuff.’

I felt a stone in my stomach. Of course he hated it. I’d lied to get him to do it. I hadn’t talked him up to Dad. Our foundation had been built on cursed ground and he was probably sick of having to pretend to like me in public.

‘You’re right,’ I said weakly. ‘This has run its course.’

I heard an intake of breath and felt him scowling. ‘That’s not what I meant.’

‘That’s what I heard.’

‘Well, you heard wrong.’ He got to his feet, facing away from me and stalking to the other side of the large room. ‘And anyway. This whole plan for me to break up with you, what if that backfires? What if your dad shucks me from the faire?’

‘He won’t,’ I snapped. ‘Your costume already fits you.’

‘Not that it would be the worst thing,’ he retorted. ‘I don’t exactly love getting fake-bested by your hideous ex every weekend. I’m tempted to go off-script and knock him off his horse during the next show.’

‘What exactly is your problem?’ I demanded, shocked by my own sudden avalanche of unnameable feelings. ‘The entire year Dave and I were going out, neither of us bothered you. Hardly acknowledged you. Where exactly has this weird one-sided beef come from?’

I regretted it the moment I said it. It wasn’t one-sided. Dave had always visibly disliked Killian, and made no effort to hide it. He’d occasionally checked him in the hallways and he’d always had a bad word to say about him during the rare instances Killian had been brought up in conversation.

‘So sweet of you to defend him. If I didn’t know any better . . .’

‘Well, you don’t know anything about me,’ I said desperately.

Not true. Not even remotely true. But in that moment, it felt like a shield.

‘Ask Dave if you really want to know what our feud’s about. But you might not like the answer, Red.’

We were glaring at one another now, a large void of empty space between the two of us. I didn’t know what to say to close it, but I also felt a stubborn need to push back against his bad mood. I wasn’t a mind-reader. I couldn’t scan his brilliant brain and download his thoughts.

‘Dad won’t fire you,’ was all I managed to repeat. ‘He needs you. You’re great as a knight.’

‘He doesn’t need me; he hired me to make you happy.’