Page 42 of Yearning Difficulties

‘Great broadcast the other day, Zella,’ Sterling drawled, speaking loudly enough for the whole class to hear. Logan detached himself from her and made his way to his preferred desk at the back of the room. Students seemed to leap out of his path. His aura was dark enough to scare them away.

His dismissal was enough to make Sterling give up on me and scuttle to the seat beside him, while Dave flanked Logan’s other side.

‘Interesting,’ Killian said to me. ‘Power change. Logan seems to be head of the table now.’

Mr Hamilton chose that moment to arrive and as he swept into the room, I pulled out my notebook and essay outlines. I was about to ask Mr Hamilton about the deadline for those essays, when yet another figure entered the room.

Dr Bergery walked with calm and composed superiority, smiling at all of the Advanced Higher English class with an air of relaxed authority.

‘Sorry to interrupt your lesson, Mr Hamilton,’ she said. ‘But I wanted to grab Zella Blass before you get too deep into your discussion.’

I stood at once, not even waiting for Mr Hamilton’s consent. He gave me a knowing look as I followed Dr Bergery out of the room and I sent him a small wave of thanks in return.

I followed Killian’s mother to her office at the other end of the building. She made no small talk as we walked but her pace was brisk and I had to take long strides to keep up.

Her office was larger and brighter than others I’d seen in the school, with tons of natural light and a huge mahogany desk that could have belonged in a magazine press shoot. She invited me to sit and asked if I’d like anything to drink.

‘No, thank you,’ I said.

‘Fine.’ She beamed at me. ‘We’ll get straight to it.’

She reached into the top drawer of her impressive desk and drew out a file. When she opened it, I recognized the work tucked neatly inside of it.

She had my portfolio.

‘Did you do all of this yourself, Zella?’ she asked me, without any preamble.

At first, I worried that she was accusing me of something. But I felt sure there was a touch of wonder in her tone. ‘Yes.’

‘I’ve been looking over your extra-curriculars with some of my colleagues. You’re a machine. I can’t get over it! Most people your age just lay about and scroll. Not you, though.’

I inwardly bristled at her assessment of my generation. Everyone in my year was dripping with stress about exams and getting into university. Even the rich kids were sporting bags under their eyes. I didn’t know of anyone who was mindlessly scrolling their senior year away.

‘Not you,’ she repeated. ‘You’re like a little automaton.’

It was meant as a compliment but it hit me like a fist. ‘Thank you.’

‘I can see why Killian likes you.’

I felt the back of my neck get hot. I knew it was my turn to speak but I couldn’t think of anything. My two selves were both stumped. The version of me I kept locked inside, and the version I showed to the rest of the world. The second usually knew what was supposed to be said. She was often better at this sort of thing. But for once, she was silent.

Fortunately, Dr Bergery took my silence as an invitation to continue.

‘He’s very smart, always has been,’ she said. ‘When he was diagnosed, I was terrified for him. Petrified that people would assume he was stupid.’

I found something distasteful about the way she talked about Killian being autistic with me, as if it were a nuisance to her. ‘No one could ever think Killian isn’t intelligent,’ I said defensively.

‘That’s true,’ she allowed. ‘But in some ways, he isn’t very smart.’

I didn’t believe her for a second. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘He likes you, Zella. My son has never expressed any romantic interest in anyone. Well, one mystery girl he met at a party. But none of us even know her name. When he brought you home to dinner, it was a very clear signal from him. And I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.’

A chill passed over me. I realized that we weren’t really here to discuss my portfolio. ‘What page is that, Dr Bergery?’

I wondered if our entire scheme was about to be unmasked.

Instead, she said, ‘Are you dating my son to make Dave Valvert jealous?’