Page 29 of Yearning Difficulties

‘And I’ve only kissed her once, but it was the greatest moment of my life.’

‘God, Kill,’ I said, ignoring the strange sting that suddenly pinched me in the ribs. ‘You do almost sound poetic.’

He scowled. ‘No. Just factual.’

The sound of my family laughing in the upstairs flat suddenly woke me out of my reverie. I was delaying him. He was doing me a favour, helping me get into the seminar I needed. That was all. Even friends was a generous description.

But there was one last thing I wanted to ask him.

‘What do you think about what your cousin said to me today?’

‘About you not being neurotypical?’

I felt something tremble inside of me. My self-preservation veil dropped like a misty haze.

I had fought off allegations of otherness my whole life. The teachers who’d called my parents in for a meeting, saying my deep dives into special interest subjects struck them as obsessive. The school nurse who constantly told me that it wasn’t ‘normal’ to find the lights overwhelming and the bells disturbing.

And the countless cruel comments. Ranging from ‘is there something actually wrong with you or are you just weird?’ to ‘why are you rolling your eyes at me? Yes, you were, Zella’.

‘Just thought it was interesting,’ I said softly. ‘Especially when Dave said all that other stuff about, well . . . you know. God, it doesn’t matter.’

I gave him a tight smile, keeping it all locked behind my eyes. ‘I’m sure she was kidding.’

Killian studied me. ‘Okay.’

The awkwardness hovered between us. I felt defensive, for reasons I couldn’t even name.

In the moment, all I could manage was a feeble farewell. ‘See you at school, Killian.’

‘Yeah. See you at school, Red.’

Eleven

Identical

Today’s Track: ‘We Fell in Love in October’ by Girl in Red

I had a break before my radio broadcast so I decided to spend it on the grassy knoll by the science building. I hauled out my massive English Lit binder and started to highlight quotes from Sense and Sensibility. Sweeping the startling pink across the black and white page of notes felt calming to me. Like a wave gently slipping back and forth across the sand.

I heard a loud, performative cackle and when I glanced over, I caught sight of Sterling Cavendish and her group. Dave moved to join them, sitting cross-legged on the grass and fiddling with a toothpick. He would occasionally cast a dark look in my direction. Priya was working on her laptop, smiling when Sterling directed a comment towards her but otherwise adopting a busy display of neutrality.

Sterling caught me watching and leaned over to cartoonishly whisper into Ashley Reynolds’s ear. They both glanced back at me and then fell apart laughing.

I returned to my coursework, heat flushing under my skin. When Max had stopped coming to school, I’d relearned how to be alone.

Perhaps the isolation was what had made me overlook Dave’s weaker traits.

‘Can I sit with you?’

Chris Bergery was suddenly standing over me, smiling knowingly.

‘Sure.’

He settled down on the grass and stretched his legs out in front of him. ‘Thanks.’

We sat in companionable silence for a moment and then, at the same time, we noticed someone else’s arrival on the knoll.

Cherry Petrucci. We both watched as she gave us a wave, but chose to settle by herself on the edge of the grass. She took out a large pair of headphones and slid them onto her mass of strawberry blonde hair. Falling back against the emerald dune, she closed her eyes and disappeared into some kind of musical trance.