Page 101 of Yearning Difficulties

Killian checked the small-town store, making sure nobody was eavesdropping. ‘Zella.’

‘Yes. Zella Blass.’

Killian laughed. ‘Even her name is beautiful.’

‘And you don’t ask her out because . . . ?’

Killian’s humour faded and he gave his friend a dark look. ‘I think that’s obvious.’

‘Only to you, Kill.’

‘She’s perfection and I’m – how shall we say it? – not.’

Anderson sighed. ‘You don’t get to decide that for her. No one sees you the way you do.’

‘Not true. Dave Valvert sees me the way I do. A freak who has no right to even look at her.’

It was a weak attempt at a joke and it didn’t land. Anderson refused to even entertain it with a smile. ‘You should tell her.’

‘Anderson, I’ve had to watch her light dim because of that hideous ex-boyfriend of hers. She doesn’t need another guy panting after her. She needs . . . a friend.’

‘Maybe you’re afraid,’ Anderson pondered. ‘Afraid that if you tell her how you feel, you might have to take her down off that pedestal.’

Killian laughed. ‘She’s not on a pedestal. I know her. I know all about her. She’s wonderfully stubborn and occasionally pretentious. She gives up on things too easily. She’s dismissive of people who don’t agree with her. She’s usually the cleverest person in the room and she knows it. The most beautiful, too.’

‘And you like that.’

‘Like? I love it. The one thing she doesn’t know about herself, however, is that she’s autistic. It’s the only thing she won’t look at.’

Anderson frowned. ‘You think?’

‘I know. And if she can’t love that part of herself, how is she ever going to love someone like me?’

And for once, Anderson had no rebuttal.

Thirty-Three

Unmasked

Today’s Track: ‘Red’ by Daniel Lanois

Present Day

Killian threw down his sword and walked away from us all.

He stormed out of the arena and nobody seemed to know what to do or what to say. A few people began to feebly clap but they ceased as soon as they became aware of the stilted atmosphere.

‘That was very different to last weekend,’ someone remarked loudly.

I started to follow Killian.

‘Zella!’

‘Dave.’ My voice didn’t sound like mine. ‘Stay away from me. If you know what’s good for you, stay away from me. You and all of your awful friends.’

‘He’s been lying to you, Zella. I tried to tell you.’

‘Fuck off, David!’