Page 30 of Sorry

Getting beaten, raped and degraded became my norm. The way I flinched if any man spoke loudly around me, or moved too fast. Or the way my heart rate would pick up when someone walked too fast toward me. I was sure I would never be myself around people again. Not that I was cured of my trauma, obviously. I mean, I nearly had a panic attack just because Alex handed me his phone.

Logically I knew it was a trauma response. My rational thinking was non-existent when fear took over. Survival mode kicks in. But we kissed and that didn’t scare me, so I took that as a win. He was so good at noticing my discomfort, and very skilled at calming that part of me down.

I saw his responses from his toxic marriage too. Maybe that's why we were getting along so well, two broken souls, fitting perfectly together. We were very different but connected with the same loveless past and loneliness, failed relationships. It didn't hurt that he was a delight to look at, smell and touch.

I hoped I wouldn't turn him off, for being unsure how far I can go in the intimacy.

I was just scared I would react weirdly and he would be turned off or he'd realize I was too much work. Or not good enough to have to put in so much effort. Two weeks had passed since my nightmare and my freakout about the phone. We had been dancing around each other. The tension had been building with each passing touch and lingering looks. It was exciting and new.

Usually, he was the one to randomly kiss me but a couple of times I just had the urge and stole a few pecks myself. That made me proud of myself. My confidence was growing. I wouldn't let Kyle win, no matter how scared I still was of him.

Cuddles on the sofa while reading or watching shows, or even just talking about random things have been my favorite times. His touches were becoming familiar and I found myself wanting more of them. I started reaching to hold his hand while we snuggled, and it had become a constant thing now. I also started hanging out with them while they all worked downstairs, even though I didn’t contribute much, but I truly felt a part of their group and I wasn’t alone.

The Crew started on the demo downstairs about a week and a half ago. We didn’t have the time to open up the bean bag; that arrived last week, because the guys have been wrecked from hauling old Baka’s furniture to the dump. I felt bad about getting rid of it but that is what she wanted for me.

Alex and I hadn't done anything more than kiss occasionally and snuggle up on the couch. It felt too good to be true, but I was getting to know him so much more and I loved what I was uncovering. He also hadn’t pushed for anything more which I appreciated.

Alex seemed allergic to clothes. You wouldn't catch me complaining because I could look at him all day, every day. He walked around the house, in his gray slutty sweats, I could tell he wasn’t wearing anything underneath them. HOT! And when he was working, I would make food and bring them downstairs only to ogle Alex, shirtless… in his workpants and that hot as fuck tool belt.

It was Saturday and The Crew's day off. Alex and I just had breakfast and I was cleaning up the kitchen.

“I have to ask you for a favor, Sam.” Alex asked, coming out of his room in workout clothes, looking like a whole snack. I couldn't stop my eyes from taking him in even if I tried.

Snapping my gaze up at him, I cleared my throat, “Of course. What's up?”

“I haven’t been in the gym since the whole Tess thing, and I have to admit I am feeling a little bit odd going back to the gym. Would you maybe come with me? Be my exercise buddy?”

Fuck I haven't done any physical activity in… well, ever. “I have never been to the gym. I was hundred percent sure I would be laughed at.”

I was short and thin. I did lose muscle mass in the last few years. I was always on the skinnier side but I had lean muscle defined just naturally before. Anxiety ate it all and took my appetite away too. I would look ridiculous beside Alex and other men in there.

He stood in front of me, grabbed my face in both of his giant hands and made me look him in the eyes. "No one will laugh because there is nothing to laugh at. But if anyone did, they would have to answer to me Pup. Ok?” He had this possessive look on his face, that I found so hot because it wasn't the same as Kyle's diabolical possessiveness and desire to control and own me. This was more protective in the best possible way.

I swallowed the emotion building in my throat, nodding. He smiled and whispered. “Can I kiss you again?”

I nodded so fast I probably looked like a bobble head in a moving car. His lip curled up in a smirk. He leaned in and kissed me so softly I melted into a puddle on the spot. In fear he would stop, I reached and grabbed onto his shirt with both hands, and pulled him in closer. He made a deep grunting noise when our chests bumped together. The noise he made made my dick twitch. I was wearing one of my black sweats I ordered, and because I never learned, I was wearing loose boxers again… Shit!

This kiss was different from others. Still soft, but our tongues were tangling together and the heat was spreading through me. My body was reacting, which I was welcoming for a change. I was not fully damaged. I didn't think I could have a full blown sex right now, but I was just happy my body and mind were not thoroughly broken. He slid his hands from my face to splay them on my back, caressing me gently. I loved his touch. His touches didn't hurt, they didn't leave bruises and scars. They left goosebumps, with the pleasure they evoked in me.

I was panting after just a minute of that kiss and he was no better than me. Alex was definitely holding back and I was so grateful for it. He listened, he heard I might not be ready and he was respecting it. Consent is sexy. We slowed the kiss down and our lips separated, but I had to nip his lower lip just a little bit.

He groaned on my lips, opening his eyes, “Pup…” he warned “I am barely holding on to my last thread of sanity as it is. Your lips are like a drug, don't tease me.”

I let out a little laugh. My chest was puffing up because I had that effect on him. “Right.” I say, trying to compose myself, “I will come with you but go easy on me. Ok?” I asked, pulling away from him, only to remember that I was hard as fuck. Is it embarrassing to get hard that fast? Shit… Thinking fast, I tried to excuse myself to go and get changed for the gym and hide my boner. I started to walk past him but he stopped me and stepped in front of me.

“No need, you are already…” he stopped speaking, as his eyes that were looking at what I was wearing, landed on my hard cock. I tried to cover myself fast, trying to tuck my erection into my waist band. He stopped my frantic attempts to save my dignity. I couldn't even look at him. “Sam…” he rasps my name, breathless, “Don’t hide from me.” He stepped closer, “I won’t look for anything from you that you aren't ready to give me. I don’t even know what to do with a guy. But fuuuuck.” he groans, “I’m in no better state than you right now, so don’t be embarrassed."

He made one more step toward me and our bodies touched, from our chest to our toes. I felt his erection on my belly and my breath hitched. I wanted to touch him but I was frozen in place. Insecurities and fear were wrecking havoc in my mind. He leaned down to kiss me letting out a purring sound from his chest into my mouth. My brain short circuited. I wanted the release. I wanted it with HIM.

“Alex…” I whispered into his mouth, “I want… I need…”

“What do you need Pup? Tell me. Anything you want.” The air felt static with want, my hands were inching towards the hem of his shirt, he noticed.

He asked breathlessly, “You want my shirt off?”

I looked at him directly in his eyes. Trying to convey my messy headspace. I want your shirt off. I want your touches. I am scared. I might freak out. The crazy ability he had when it came to reading my body language, should have scared me. Taking a small step away from me giving me space to breathe, he looked at me patiently waiting for my response. I nodded once and his lips turned into a crooked smile, grabbing his shirt with one hand from the back of his neck, and in one quick move he was standing bare chested right in front of me.

“Tell me what you need.” he asked, holding my gaze. I could see his cock straining in his athletic shorts.