Page 115 of Golden Ruin

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Sterling

I’ve had all night to come up with a speech but seeing her in front of me throws me off. She steps into my room, and for a second, everything I rehearsed disappears.

“Did you have a good time?”

My question surprises her, and maybe it surprises me a little too. Because out of everything we need to discuss, that’s what comes out first.

“Yeah. I mean, I tried,” she says. “What about you? Get any rest?”

I think it’s pretty clear my night was shit, but I answer anyway. “Not much.”

She nods, already knowing.

We both had a shitty night.

I stay seated on the edge of the bed, watching her, wishing whatever this is between us was somehow easier. But pretending that’ll happen won’t make it true.

“I’m sorry about earlier.”

Her brow tenses with confusion. “Why are you apologizing?”

I push a hand through my hair, choosing my words carefully.

“I shut down,” I explain. “In the hallway. Before you left.”

The part I don’t say is that I accidentally reverted back to an old pattern—shutting down, closing her out. But when I look at her face again, there’s no doubt that she already understands.

“You were hurt,” she says. “I saw you noticing the boxes.”

Just hearing her say it out loud guts me.

“I was, and… I did,” I admit. “But that wasn’t the time to retreat.”

She nods, and our eyes lock. “I hear you.”

And with any luck, she feels me too.

“Do you want to talk about it? Me moving? The boxes?” she asks. “We were kind of limited earlier after breakfast because of Jax and rushing to get out the door, but… I’m listening if there’s something you want to say.”

It feels like my heart’s in my fucking throat. There’s so much I want to say, but I’m terrified it’ll come out the wrong way, send the wrong message, do more harm than good.

My pulse races when I open my mouth to speak.

“If I’m being honest, it all comes down to one thing.”

“Which is?”

I force myself to look her in the eyes. “…I don’t want you to go.”

It feels like a weight’s been lifted off me, but it also feels like I exchanged one burden for another. Because now I’m pretty sure she’s just going to unload the reasons I should know better than to even entertain the idea of her staying.

I get why she’s cautious, and I get why she’s scared. Shit, I feel it too. But what it all comes down to is that I don’t give a fuck about the risks. From where I’m standing, she’s worth putting my heart on the line. Now I just need her to realize that I’m worth taking the risk too.

“I already gave you my reasons.”

“And I understand and respect them, but that doesn’t change the fact that I want you here. Both of you.”