Page 145 of The Comedown

I won’t admit to loving Julian in the traditional way, but I can show him how much he means to me in other ways, in ways I know he’ll understand.

I brush his neck tattoo and murmur,

“A face conjured by dreams.”

My lips fit over his.

“A body destined to keep me awake.”

Julian’s breathing picks up as he stares into my eyes.

“Making me rethink it all, every last touch that came before.

With his hands sneaking in my chest and voice speaking to my head,

Afraid he’s got me wound ’round his finger so tight,

Now I’m addicted to the man hidden outside the light.”

“Me?” he asks.

“The man cloaked in shadows, king of the underworld, my very own Osiris.” I nod and press a kiss to his lips. His match mine immediately, the intensity spiking faster than my heart rate. I pull back before we lose ourselves completely, telling him, “Good doesn’t have a time limit or an expiration date. You can start doing good at any time. And you do deserve the life you were given. You just haven’t made it your own yet.”

“Is your life your own?”

“It’s as close as I’ll probably ever get it,” I say more wistfully than anything. I don’t think I can ever truly consider my life mine. There’s just too much hanging over my head.

“What about your tattoo?”

“Which one?”

“The one on your finger.”

“I may stay quiet, but my music can never be silenced.” I bring my right hand up to put my index finger to my lips in a shushing motion, so the music note tattooed on the side of the top knuckle is on display for him.

“What are you quiet on? What is it you’re not saying about Bodee?”

“I’m not—”

“I just fucking told you everything, Collette. Laid all my shit out for you. Don’t bullshit me. Not again. I know you hate him. I know he did something to make you hate him. Tell me what it is.”

“On the outside, Bodee and I were compatible. We made sense. On the inside, we were very different people.”

“We’re very different people.”

I consider that statement before agreeing, “On the outside, we are.”

“And on the inside?”

“On the inside…” On the inside, I want to believe we’re the same people after the same things, but I don’t know for sure because Julian doesn’t know for sure. He’s still finding himself. He never even determined if he wanted children before robbing himself of the chance by getting a vasectomy.

I only know who he’s not the same as, and that’s Bodee Keys.

“You know those people with stamp collections?” I say instead. “They usually dedicate an entire room in their house to organize, admire, memorize their extensive collection.”

“Are you being serious right now? I don’t know anyone who’d do that, no. That’s fucking…I don’t know. Am I the stamp collector in this setup?”

I roll off Julian to lie beside him. “No, Bodee is. Bodee collects secrets like that. He accumulates them like any other enthusiast, even where there aren’t any to be found. Except unlike most stamp fanatics, Bodee does use his collectibles…for blackmail.”