Page 53 of Every Time We Touch

“Okay.” She disappears into the hallway.

I hear voices and footsteps and then Clancy stands in front of me, her cheeks a bit red but her eyes blazing nothing but fire.

“Can we talk?” she asks. “In person.”

I’m acutely aware that my mother is in the room with us. All that’s missing is my dad.

“I’ll come back later.” Mom walks over to me and hugs me from the side. “Call me. Any time.”

“Thanks, Mom.” So much for talking myself out of my feelings for Clancy by stoically stating the facts to my mother. I watch her leave and then it’s just Clancy and me.

“I guess your mom knows, too,” Clancy says.

“Yeah,” I say on a sigh. “I’m sorry for earlier. I’m sorry for all of it.” Resisting the urge to just throw my arms around her, I sag onto the couch.

“What did she say?” Clancy takes a few steps toward the couch.

“Please, sit.” I push myself into the corner, keeping my distance while I gather myself. “She didn’t really get a chance to say anything. I literally just told her when the bell rang.”

“I know this is hard for you, Jen.” Clancy turns toward me, but leaves enough space between us. “I drove over here in a state after you called. And maybe I shouldn’t have done that, but I didn’t really think it through, because… I just wanted to see you.”

Seeing my dad earlier, followed by falling out with Heather, and now having Clancy sit in my couch makes me feel like I have an impossible choice to make. Her or my family. Although I made the choice already, when I called her a few hours ago. Still, it feels as though I need to make it all over again.

“Being part of a family means taking other people’s feelings into account. People I love more than anything.” It sounds a hell of a lot more rational than I feel.

“I know,” Clancy says. “I’m not here to beg you for something you can’t give. I just want to look you in the eye when you say you don’t want to see me anymore.”

So much for not begging—but Clancy’s not begging. She’s only asking one more impossible thing of me.

“I want you,” I say. “But I can’t choose you. The price is too high.” I don’t even try to look her in the eye when I’m saying it.

Only after I’ve said it, and I sneak a quick glance at her, I see a tear running down her cheek.

“I could talk to Eric,” she says, ignoring her tears. “Make him understand that him and me would never have worked out, even if it weren’t for you.” Clancy’s voice is so shaky, it’s obvious she’s just grasping at straws.

“I’m the only one who can talk to my dad about this.” Not that I ever plan on telling him—which is the main reason I’m trying to end this. “It shouldn’t come from anyone else.”

“I didn’t think he’d still be so hung up on me.” Clancy shakes her head.

“Have you met you?” A small smile touches my lips. “Of course he’s still hung up on you.”

“What? I’m like a drug to the St Jameses?” Clancy says, defusing some of the tension in the air between us.

“You might as well be.” It’s true, because it takes everything I’ve got to not scoot closer to her. To not push her down into this couch and—no. Stop.

“So I should just go?” Clancy’s cheeks are wet with tears now.

I have to say yes, but I can’t. And that’s been the root of everything since the beginning. I can’t resist her.

“Jen?” Clancy shuffles a little closer. “I need you to tell me, because I can’t do it on my own. I can’t walk away if you don’t tell me to.”

“Why not?” I ask, even though I know the answer to that question. When two people want each other the way we do, a bomb could explode right next to us, we might have to run for our lives, but still, we wouldn’t be able to walk away. The pull is too powerful.

“The same reason I’m here. The same reason we’re in this situation,” Clancy says in between sniffles.

I try to think of how Heather looked at me at brunch. I try to remember the sadness in my dad’s voice. I try to relive the unbearable mortification I felt when simply being in the same room as my family. All things that were very real mere hours ago, but when I do, at last, look into Clancy’s eyes, it’s as though another version of me experienced them. It wasn’t me. Because when I look into her eyes, I just want to kiss those tears away.

My gaze locked on Clancy’s, I bridge the distance between us. I inch closer until all I see is the tip of her nose.