Page 16 of Stay Here Forever

Her irritation was rising by the second given Felix’s attitude. “Such as what makes you believe you are the one with the right to be angry right now? Shouldn’t you be asking for my forgiveness rather than taking your frustration out on me?” Her chest was heaving as she spat out her final question. Really, what gave him the nerve?

“Audrey,” Luke said quietly, taking her hand with a small squeeze. She looked at him, an encouraging smile on his face, and calmed immediately.

“I’m sorry, Felix. Please excuse my tone. I’m still trying to process everything that has occurred, and I don’t think I’ll be able to move forward until I have all of the pieces.” Her brother turned back toward the table and sat down, looking more contrite. It was a start. “Will you please tell me what happened eight years ago? How was the engagement dissolved?”

Felix sighed then pushed away the cup of coffee. Folding his hands together, forearms on the table, he dropped his head before beginning to answer.

“Rufus returned briefly in 1807 when things were becoming more tense in France, he didn’t want to be involved in any unpleasantness.” Luke let out a small snort, most likely recalling his own precarious circumstances in Portugal.

“He came to me then. He did plan on marrying you, Audrey. He wanted the connection to the barony, and I believe he genuinely cared for you.” It stung that Felix led with the barony, but Audrey supposed the connection was more of a concern. She bit her lip to keep from interrupting as her brother was sharing things she desperately needed to know.

“We went to a gaming hell to celebrate his return, have a bit of fun. After a few drinks, I worked up the courage to tell him that there was no longer any dowry. He was upset, but we were both in our cups and not thinking rationally. I tried to convince him that the connection was enough, he’d be connected to the baron Jacobs through marriage, a step up from the baronetcy he’d claim one day, and the money shouldn’t matter. I did try, Audrey.”

At last Felix looked sad, and Audrey believed he finally understood the gravity of what he had done, the profound impact of his actions. She reflected it was likely his earlier anger was deflection, a defense mechanism as he was forced to face the consequences of what had been set into motion years before.

“What happened then, that wasn’t enough for him?”

“We decided to play a hand for it. If I won, he’d marry you without the dowry. We shook on it, and by some miracle, I prevailed. Rufus wasn’t happy, but he accepted it. He’d wagered and lost, but his honor as a gentleman meant he would comply.”

Audrey was beginning to feel nauseous. Maybe she didn’t need to hear all of this. Closing her eyes, she swallowed hard and breathed deeply.

“And yet, the contract was dissolved anyway,” Luke spoke up. “What else happened?”

“I foolishly kept playing.” Felix looked haggard now, lines bracketing his eyes as if stress had aged him ten years. “I was riding high from my win and wanted to keep going. Another we played with that night was a man to whom I’d lost a great sum the week prior.” Hiding his eyes behind his hand, he paused the story and took a deep gulp of his tepid coffee. “He was down that night, all his blunt already lost or in the pot, but he wanted to keep playing. He then offered up my debt as part of his bid to keep things interesting. Everyone at the table agreed . . . I should have said no, but it was a significant sum, and the chance to win it back . . . I had to take it.” He swallowed, hard. “You don’t need to hear this, Audrey! Please . . .”

The misery her brother was experiencing recounting the tale was unmistakable, but Audrey couldn’t feel any sympathy for him. His story revealed how little regard the two men who should have the most concern for her wellbeing had actually held. She stared at Felix, her expression blank, bidding him to continue with a slight nod.

“We played the hand, and Rufus came out the winner and held my debt. He told me he’d burn the lines, not call in the debt in return for the dissolution of your engagement, thus freeing him to marry another with the money he required.”

And there it was. Money and title were worth more than Audrey.

Rufus, the man she’d loved passionately for over a decade had thought her inconsequential, and her own brother had sold her out because he couldn’t contain his gambling habit. She felt numb. The only thing keeping her from screaming was Luke’s presence beside her. She leaned into his strength, focused on where he still held her hand.

“Audrey, please say something. You can’t just sit there staring at me, what are you thinking?” Felix was pleading now, desperate for her to say something that would make him feel better, relive him of the feeling of wrongdoing over what he’d done to her. Well, she wouldn’t oblige.

“I’m wondering what gave you the audacity to believe that you could gamble on my future that way, that you could make such decisions about my life? Am I worth so little to you as to be beneath your regard?” She was proud that her voice didn’t break. He needed to know that she wouldn’t disregard her worth, even if he could.

“I’m sorry, Audrey. You don’t understand how much money it was, it would have changed our circumstances completely. You could’ve had a dowry again to wed another. No one else would have married you otherwise."

“Because I alone am not enough?” It was Audrey’s deepest fear.

“You know what I mean, don’t twist my words, Audrey. I was trying to give you a fresh chance.”

“I would have married her without a dowry.” It was the first time Luke had spoken up, and she could have kissed him for those words. But he was preoccupied, his glare focused on Felix.

“Here’s what I do understand,” Audrey began. “I understand that you couldn’t bother to control yourself and were willing to risk everything at the card table. And for what? Some fun with your friends? You’ve never given your responsibilities the care they deserve, Felix. You acted recklessly and ruined not only my own chances but Victoria’s. I presume Michael Kirkland’s absence these past few weeks is also due to her lack of a dowry? Victoria is heartbroken!”

“No, she’s not.” Felix’s sigh could have powered a small ship. “She was upset at losing what she considered her best prospect for marriage, but she wasn’t heartbroken. Victoria wasn’t in love with him, you just believed that, as you were in your own fantasy world where Rufus still loved you, and therefore everyone else must also be in love! You’ve been too preoccupied to see that Victoria cared about what he stood for, not Kirkland himself.”

The blow stung because its aim was true. Audrey flinched but took in a deep breath before admitting her culpability.

“You are correct, Felix. I haven’t supported Victoria in the way she deserves. But do you know why? Because I was living in a fantasy that I was forced to create in order to protect myself.”

Audrey rose and began pacing. She had to get this out—not only so her brother would understand the depth of his betrayal but so Luke would understand where she was coming from, the person she’d been.

“I can see now that I was living in a delusion, that I was frozen at nineteen when Rufus loved me. I know the rest of the world moved on, but I couldn’t. I had to keep holding onto the fantasy or else it would have broken me. And the longer time stretched without word from Rufus, the more I had to pretend because feeling unworthy and forgotten hurt too much. Do you know what that kind of pain does to you?”

Felix refused to look at her as she continued pacing. “No, I wasn’t there for Victoria because I was lost in my own little world, but you forced me into that place by not having the courage to tell me the truth. I can understand letting a bit of time pass while you tried to make things right, but my god, eight years, Felix! You allowed me to become a creature of pity within the ton—and don’t pretend that their laughs and dismissive looks were lost on you. I might have convinced myself to stay in that delusion even though it became harder by the day, I’m surprised I didn’t fall into complete madness after all this time, but Victoria jolted me awake with her thoughts on succumbing to spinsterhood. And that broke my heart, I didn’t want her to have my life.” The words were pouring out of her now, but she couldn’t stop. “I came out of the fog because of her, not you. Because you never would have told me, would you? My delusional state was convenient, as I remained here to run the household, never asking any questions, because I didn’t want answers that might make the hurt real.”