Page 82 of All the way home

“A deal is a deal.”

“But it makes sense.”

Pausing, hands hovering, Rena bit her lip. Did it? She wasn’t sure she agreed.

And Lucas seemed more upset about her silence than she’d thought he would be. “Is this how it’s always going to be? Is he always going to be more important to you?”

If Rena were fractionally more like Kieran, she would have laughed outright. Six years, and he still didn’t understand.

Crossing her arms, Rena pivoted to face him. “It makes me nervous enough that we’re far apart this year. And you’re suggesting I should abandon him?”

“Not abandon.” Lucas sounded exasperated.

“But you want me to back out of a deal? You know what that will feel like to him.”

“Rena, I—”

“If you want to live with us, then you’re more than welcome to.”

That shut him up, at least for a few seconds. Lips pressed tight and flat, he stared at her, eyes unsmiling. Then, voice softer, he asked, “Is this always going to get in the way of our future?”

In an instant, her chest had turned to stone. Breathing shallow, a scrape of granite, Rena said, “Define this.”

Gesturing helplessly, Lucas deflated. “You know what I mean.”

“Do I?”

“I mean . . . is Kieran always going to be your first choice? Are you always going to prioritize his needs over—”

“They aren’t needs,” Rena blurted out, flushed and too warm and prickly all over. “You know that’s not what this is. You don’t need this; you want it. He wants it and he needs it. You know how badly it freaks me out thinking about him over there by himself. He could be in danger, and you’re upset that I’m putting that over what you want?”

For a long time, Lucas just stood there. His chest still heaved like he’d only just stopped running, and he closed his eyes. After an eternity, voice lowered to a whisper, he asked, “What do you want?”

“I don’t know,” Rena told him at once, because it was true.

His shoulders slumped. “But you do see it, right? Like, it’s in the plan eventually?”

“I—yes,” she stammered. “Yes, it’s the plan, eventually.”

“Are you sure?” he demanded. “You don’t sound sure.”

“I—what do you want me to say?” Rena gestured helplessly. “Everything is still up in the air, and you know that.”

“I want you to say yes and mean it, Rena. I don’t want to hear you say it and wonder if you’re going to change your mind.”

She swallowed hard.

“Because if you loved me, it wouldn’t be a question.”

His sentence hung between them, suspended.

Quiet and small, Rena told him, “That’s not fair.”

“It—life isn’t fair,” he countered, exasperated, and then swiped at his eyes. “I just—I want to know.”

Her chest tightened. “Or what?”

He’d never answered. Rena’s alarm to start packing had gone off, and they’d both jumped, and the rest of the day had opened up in front of them.