Page 19 of The Summer Pass

It was the first night since leaving Vanu’s train, and she listened to the men talking around the fire as she cooked dinner, bean porridge and beets roasting among the logs. The women and girls were mostly speaking hand language among themselves, so she couldn’t tell what they were saying while her attention was on the food. Otoni had learned some signs by now, and Nomi had picked up quite a lot.

Barda was talking to one of the guards about hunting rabbits. Padunu and Tirtu had been arguing about something on the road that day. Gurti hadn’t listened and didn’t know what it was about.

“I don’t mind saying that I liked him,” said Padunu, “and I wish he were with Lord Vanu now.”

Tirtu smacked a hand forcefully on his knee. “Shut your mouth! How can you say such a thing?”

“He could be useful,” Padunu went on stubbornly. “He had skills that could be of service in the kind of situation I fear Lord Vanu will shortly face. Besides which, quite frankly, he would cheer Lord Vanu up.”

“He wanted to kill Lord Vanu!” Tirtu roared.

Nomi startled and began to cry. Even the deaf girls looked anxiously at Tirtu. Gurti gave Tirtu a stern glare, and he lowered his voice but repeated, “He wanted to kill him. And I brought him into Umtúshta. I’ll never recover from the shame of it. And I won’t hear you defending him. He’s a snake, a traitor, a⁠—”

“I liked him too,” Barda cut in.

“Who’re we talking about?” asked the guard, with a look like he was eager for gossip.

“Lill,” said Barda. “It was fun having him around.”

“He didn’t kill Lord Vanu, in the end,” Otoni offered. “That seems important.”

Gurti clattered the ladle back into the pot and stood up. She didn’t want to make Nomi cry again, but she had to put a stop to this.

“That is enough, all of you,” she said, trying to keep her voice even and calm. She should sign reassuringly to Susami and Atari, but she couldn’t manage it when she was shaking with anger. “Lord Vanu forbade talk of Lill, and for good reason. Lill betrayed us all. He is not worthy of our thoughts. Girls, dinner is ready. Get the dishes, please,” she signed finally.

She saw Tirtu looking up at her gratefully in the firelight. How strange, she thought, if this was what brought them back together after all.

It almost did. They stayed at the fire after all the rest of the party had gone in to sleep in the tents, and he was the one who spoke first.

“You were right,” he said. “We shouldn’t waste time thinking about—that boy—but I can’t help it sometimes. Why did Lord Vanu never blame me for bringing him into the stronghold? The whole thing was my idea. Halza and I often talked about it.”

“Tch, Halza—he thinks the Blue Heaven exists to light his own path. He had nothing to do with it.”

“But I did.”

“You did … I feel I did too,” she added slowly. “No, of course not in the same way you did. It wasn’t my idea. But Lord Vanu took counsel from both of us—you know that to be true. He trusted us. I feel I should have sensed something off about the boy and warned him.”

Tirtu shook his head firmly. “No. No. You’re not to blame. It’s not—I know why you feel that way. It’s not foolish. You feel as if you should protect Lord Vanu. As I do—we both … ”

“Love him,” Gurti finished for him.

Tirtu hesitated—men were so scared to admit to loving each other—but finally he nodded. “But we thought the boy would be good for him.”

And now we’re both running away, Gurti thought. But she did not say that. She had wanted Tirtu out of there. So had Vanu.

“You’re not to blame,” Tirtu repeated. “Nor am I.”

“Good. I am glad you see that.”

“I do. It doesn’t stop me feeling ashamed. If I hadn’t had the idea of finding him a bride, none of it would have happened.”

That was true, so she did not try to deny it. They sat in silence as the fire burned down between them.

“I am glad we can talk about this now,” he said finally. “I suppose I understand why Lord Vanu didn’t want us to mention Lill, but … I’ve found myself wishing he’d show more anger, even if he got angry with me. I don’t know why.”

She thought about that. “Perhaps because it would show you that he cared. I believe he does, but it must be hard for him. He has been betrayed so many times.”

“I know.” He sighed. “It’s late, and the fire’s almost out. We should get to bed, my love.”