Page 49 of You’re So Vein

“He must remember how you like your chai,” adds Mina.

“And ideally, be so hot he looks like he could ruin your life,” chimes in Celeste.

Mmmm, agreed.

“A little unhinged to match your energy, but also polite,” says Maisie. “He’d burn down the world for you, but only after checking with you first that that’s definitely what you want.”

“And he has to be all about family, especially kids.” Beth nudges me. “I know you always wanted children.”

I suddenly have a lump in my throat the size of a grapefruit. “Uh, yup. Children.”

“What about this one?” Celeste holds up a paper from the stack. “It’s handwritten. It looks like a fountain pen.”

“Can I have a look at that?” My stomach twists. There’s only one person in this village who’d use a fountain pen.

Celeste passes the paper across the table. I scan it, my fingers trembling. I’m so shocked that I don’t realise until it’s too late that Isis is reading it aloud over my shoulder.

“ ‘Age: Physically thirty-six, but according to the Julian calendar, one hundred and fifty.’ ” She grins. “I wonder who this could possibly be? ‘Dietary preferences: Ethically sourced blood from consenting adults only. Absolutely no di Sangro vintage.’ Interesting. I wonder what has his fangs in a twist about di Sangro?”

“Give me that!” I swipe for the paper, but Isis beats me to it, holding it out of reach.

“Let’s see what else our eligible bachelor has to say for themselves,” Isis continues. “ ‘Likes: gardening, reading, children – but not eating them.’ That’s underlined three times, so I guess we can tick something off your list. Not eating children is good, right?”

“Isis!” Beth is laughing so hard she’s wheezing. Maisie’s face has gone red from holding in her mirth. Even Dora is grinning.

This is absurd. I am going to kill Augustin.

Isis continues, “ ‘Dislikes: rule-breakers, zoning violations, surprises.’ ”

“I can’t believe he actually wrote that!” Maisie giggles. “This can’t be a serious proposal, right?”

All my friends look at me.

“Of course not,” I say quickly. “It’s his idea of a prank.”

Why else would Augustin submit a marriage resume? It’s not like him to joke around, especially when it involves the improper use of documentation, but that has to be the reason. He’s trying to distract me before the launch party and the debate. He’s trying to drive me out of the mayoral race.

That’s what this is. Right?

“Go on,” I tell Isis, my heart slamming into my ribs. “Read the rest.”

“ ‘Horoscope: Capricorn, which makes me disciplined, loyal and emotionally reserved. I tend to express affection through actions rather than words. I am not quick to anger, unless someone I care about is in peril. Astrologically, I am ill-suited to passion, but drawn to it nevertheless.’ Did you hear that, Komal? He’s drawn to passion.”

“He’s drawn to trouble, more like.” Beth giggles.

“ ‘I am not expressive by inclination, nor inclined to romantic excess,’ ” Isis continues in her best impression of a pompous Augustin voice. “ ‘I value order, duty and privacy. These qualities have served me well as a public servant, but less so in matters of the heart.

“ ‘I do not excel at casual flirtation, spontaneous romance, or enjoying chaos, and am aware that the world perceives me as reserved, robotic, and – in Councillor Ahuja’s words – “a bedazzled blight upon the soul of this village”. But I am not without desirable attributes. I am steadfast, responsible, and when I care about someone, I care deeply, and for several lifetimes.’ ”

“That sounds like a threat.” Beth frowns.

“Or the most honest thing he’s ever said,” Dora adds, her soft eyes sweeping over me. She reaches out to touch the corner of the resume, and her eyes widen. She nods to herself.

Isis continues. “ ‘It would be dishonest to pretend that a union between myself and Councillor Ahuja would be without difficulty. Her fiery temperament, people pleasing, and habit of destroying my most carefully considered plans, would present obstacles to a peaceful home. My nocturnal habits, and other factors to be disclosed at a later time, mean there is a certain risk to our union. Nevertheless, I believe these obstacles would be overcome by the degree of my affection, the strength of my character, and the fact that I’m willing to overlook her long list of failings.’ ”

Excuse me?

My long list of failings?