Page 10 of You’re So Vein

“You don’t really want to be mayor,” Augustin says. Something flashes in his eyes that almost looks like fear. But that’s impossible, because Augustin Durant isn’t afraid of me. “It’s all paperwork. You hate paperwork. That’s why you never get your permits in on time.”

“I never get my permits in on time because the permitting system is outdated and stupid. One of the many things I will change when I’m mayor.”

“You tell him, Komal!” Papa pumps his fist in the air.

“You’re just doing this out of spite,” he growls.

“Of course.” I grin. “Spite is the purest political motive.”

Papa raps his pen against the legal pad. “Augustin, it’s been lovely, but I think we’ll need to pick up our game another time. The People’s Pappadum and his daughter need to have a campaign strategy session.”

NEW MAYORAL CANDIDATE SHAKES UP THE RACE

Maisie Collins

Argleton Gazette

Polls show Augustin Durant is slated to win mayor by a wide margin. But the votes aren’t counted yet, and we’re in for a shake-up. With less than three weeks until the polls open, local tourism board director and lifelong Argleton resident Komal Ahuja – daughter of Chirag Ahuja – has entered the race, and she brings something new and exciting to local politics.

“I love Argleton. I love everything about living here,” Komal says. “After some time away flying helicopters for the RAF, I came back five years ago to help my family through my papa’s illness, and fell in love with this village all over again. Papa’s not able to be the mayor Argleton needs, but I’m ready to take up his cause. I want Argleton to be the best village in the UK, and I can make that happen.”

Komal is campaigning with fresh ideas to invigorate village life, more funds for community groups (like book clubs), and getting everyone involved in decision-making.

“You all know my family. Everyone in Argleton raves about Papa’s onion bhajis from Chirag’s Takeaways. I’ve been successfully running the Argleton tourism calendar and working to bring more visitors to the village. But Augustin Durant threatens what we’ve built. He wants more big flashy developments like Sanctus Estate. He nearly killed our beloved village paper, and let us not forget the sunshades disaster! His latest overreaching decision is to force all the shopkeepers to change their hours because he mismanaged the stormwater maintenance – something he decided without consultation. Screw that. Augustin Durant may be selling out to big business, but I’m not. I fought for my country, and now I’m fighting to keep Argleton whimsical!”

This reporter asked Councillor Durant for comment, and he had this to say about the new candidate opposing him: “Ms Ahuja is certainly very spirited, but she is a pilot, not a politician. She doesn’t understand things like proper rosebush maintenance or the pressing need for stormwater repairs. She lacks the skills and experience to run a village. Don’t let her impassioned speeches and promise of idyllic village life distract you from what Argleton really needs – a bureaucrat who can get things done.”

There you have it – two candidates with different ideas about what will make Argleton a great village. With Durant and Ahuja vying for the top spot, this should be an enchanting race! This reporter knows who she’s voting for. Do you?

6Komal

Mamma: You’d better finish your book club on time, because Papa set you up on a date with Nisha Auntie’s son, Rishi. He’ll be waiting for you at the Rose & Wimple at 8 on the dot. Would you try and do something with your hair? Borrow a comb from Dora or a hair-fixing spell from Isis. It’s bad enough that you’re 32 with no husband, but do you have to embarrass your mother by looking like a squirrel’s summer home?

“SORRY, SORRY,” I SAY AS I hurry into the book club room at Nevermore Bookshop at quarter past seven. “Kiaan got a piece of Lego stuck up his nose, Mamma couldn’t find her lucky earrings, and Shivani and Priya had a screaming fight over a red sweater, so I had to… what’s all this?”

“We’re making campaign signs!” Mina holds up a large square of cardboard dripping with red paint. “This is mine. Komal Ahuja gets Oscar’s paw of approval.”

“Aarf.” Oscar, Mina’s guide dog, looks up from where he’d been licking red paint off his paw, his head bobbing as if agreeing with Mina’s bizarre idea. There is one perfect red paw print in the corner of the poster and several smeared around the floor and furniture.

“We thought Oscar could be your mascot,” Mina says sheepishly as she clips a liquid level indicator to an empty wine glass and starts pouring. “Now there are paws of approval over the whole shop.”

“I decided to continue Mina’s ‘animals voting for Komal’ theme.” Maisie holds up her sign of a crudely drawn duck wearing a pin with my face on it, next to the words: “Augustin Durant tried to shut down the Argleton Gazette. Is this who you want in charge? Don’t be ducking silly – vote Komal Ahuja for mayor.”

“I opted for a more classic smear campaign.” Isis displays hers proudly. “It says, ‘Vote for Komal. Who would do a better job? Not Augustin Durant. Probably Winston Churchill, but it’s not 1942, so Komal’s your best choice. Trust me on this. I’m a clairvoyant.’ ”

The largest text on the sign is her website address for online readings.

“I went with poetry.” Celeste holds up hers. “ ‘Life is short. Komal is short. Choose life. Vote Komal.’ ”

“I’ll ignore the dig about my height for now, because these are really sweet.” I beam at my friends. With the Nevermore Coven at my side, I’m going to win this. I can feel it.

“We are so excited for you to run for mayor.” Mina’s device beeps, and she hands me a sloshing glass of wine. “You’re going to be perfect, our Madam MacGyver. You can finally get all the important things done in the village.”

“I have so many ideas,” I say. “I’ll be able to properly fund the Gazette, so Maisie can keep her job, and make things like permits and planning consent more streamlined, because Beth, I know you’re having trouble with your pole studio repairs.”

Beth makes a face. “The application is so hard. And they want all this technical information. Isn’t it enough that my studio will raise the vibrational frequency of the whole village, bringing our people into energetic harmony and discouraging the lingering presence of negative entities?”

No, but I’d love to see Durant’s face when you tell him that.