Page 32 of Off Sides

Although, to be fair, it was nothing like that. The spark I felt when I kissed Jonah—my lips tingle with the mere thought of it. “You kissed someone.”

I lick my dry lips, my throat feeling equally parched as I nod. “A guy.”

He actually looks a little surprised—probably that I’m admitting it out loud because he has to know with all the rumors it was a guy. “Okay,” he says, waiting for me to go on.

“That’s it. I kissed a guy,” I say defensively, and I know I’m a dick, but the whole thing makes me anxious. I don’t talk about this. Not ever.

“Who was he?” I hate how careful he’s being, trying not to push me too far so I don’t end up pushing him away. Because he cares. He cares too much.

He shouldn’t.

I huff but give in. “His name was Austin. He was a senior last year, and we’d been in school together since grade school.”

“Cute?” he asks, a teasing grin on his face.

“Not bad, I guess.” I shrug, my cheeks heating. He was cute, but not exactly my type. Though I rarely even let myself think about my type. He was skinny and nerdy and pretty.

Which—I look over at Jonah—his high cheekbones and full pouty lips—yeah, maybe that is my type. But his athletic build and height do it for me more than thin and gangly. “So what happened? Because just kissing a guy shouldn’t do this much damage.”

I shoot him a dead-eyed look because is he kidding me? “In Big Bend? Really?”

His lips thin into a frown. “It shouldn’t anywhere.”

“But it did. Okay? It did.”

“There’s more to the story,” he says, and I can feel my nostrils flare with my annoyance.

I stand up and start pacing the grass around us but staying close. “What do you want from me?”

“I just want you to understand you can talk about this with me. That you can trust me.” He stands up and puts his hands on both my shoulders, making me still. “That you don’t have to be alone with whatever happened.”

“I shoved him.”

“What?” He looks surprised. Good. Maybe when he finds out just how much of an asshole I am, he’ll be done with me for good. I can go back to just keeping my head down and not having any of this friends bullshit.

“I shoved him. I pushed him in the halls. I was an asshole to him all the time. I tried to make his life a living hell. I was the bully,” I say, putting my hand over my chest, his hands still resting on my shoulders. “Me. You’re defending the wrong guy.”

“I don’t believe that,” he says, shaking his head.

“I was. I kissed him, and then I couldn’t handle it. I was afraid every day that he’d tell everyone. So I tortured him. Constantly. I told him I’d kick his ass if he ever told another soul about what happened.”

He looks me over, the concern written all over his face, and I hate it. He shouldn’t be worried about me. He should be pissed off at me and worried for Austin. Upset for the poor kid I bullied. All because I wanted so badly to kiss a guy, and I picked up on vibes from him. “And then what happened?”

“Are you serious right now?” I look at him and then play with the keys in my pocket, thinking about just running away from all of this. Leaving probably means that I’ll never get to kiss him again, but ripping myself open and going back to that time in my life—it’s an impossible choice. “He got sick of my shit. His best friend, Vaughn, really got sick of my shit and got in my face.” I close my eyes, thinking about the party. “I got shitfaced. Almost blackout drunk, and I outed myself in front of half the school.”

His jaw drops open, but he closes his mouth quickly. “You told everyone?”

“Not on purpose and not in any definitive words, but they got it. It was obvious.”

“So then the bullying of you started.”

I huff and push my hand through my hair—angry and frustrated. “Don’t you get it?” I look over at him. “I deserved everything I got and much more.”

“So that’s the plan, huh?” he asks, stepping closer to me, his feet bumping against mine. The anger shines in his eyes. “You feel so guilty about what you did to this kid, Austin, that you’re just going to let these assholes ruin your senior year?”

I snort with ire. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Bullshit. I can see your face when they’re taunting you. I see your hands clench tight. You want to fight back, but you hold back, and now I know why.”