Page 29 of Family Secrets in Inishbeg Cove

‘Because I want to be the one who is pregnant,’ she said desperately. ‘I want to carry our little baby. I want to feel the fluttery first kicks and watch my tummy growing bigger by the week. I want to moan about aches and pains and complain about stretchmarks. Hell, I even want to experience the agony of labour contractions and have my body push my child out into the world. I don’t want to hand it over to somebody else – I want all of that for myself.’

He shook his head. ‘You’re so stubborn. You’re so fixated on doing things the traditional way that you’re not open-minded to different options.’

‘So, you think I’m selfish for wanting to experience pregnancy?’ she challenged.

‘No, that’s not what I’m saying, but I think you have tunnel vision when it comes to having a baby. Don’t you think you should be open to the fact that maybe now we need to explore different avenues?’

‘I am open to trying different things, but carrying my own baby is important to me,’ she argued.

‘If it hasn’t happened after three rounds of IVF, then the odds really aren’t in our favour.’

‘I know people who waited eight rounds for it to work! Imagine if they had given up? They’d never have known that it could happen.’

‘At what cost, though? Our marriage is on the brink. We’ve used up all our savings. To be honest, I don’t know how much more I can take.’

‘Poor you,’ she said sardonically. She hated herself as soon as she’d uttered the words. What had she become? This ordeal had reduced her to a nasty, bitter person and she loathed the person she was turning into.

‘I don’t want to do any more IVF, Lucy,’ he stated.

She blinked back tears. ‘You want us to give up?’

‘I think that the time has come for us to accept that it’s not going to happen for us. I hate seeing you taking all those drugs and injections. I hate seeing the desperation in your eyes every month as you analyse every little twinge, even though I know you try so hard not to get your hopes up, only for you to be crushed when your period arrives. I hate seeing you get more and more depressed each month when it hasn’t worked.’ He reached out to take her in his arms, but she stepped to the side to avoid his embrace. ‘When was the last time we laughed properly together or just had fun without it all being so serious?’ he went on. ‘I can’t even remember when we last talked about stuff without it all coming back to babies. I want the old you back.’

‘Well, she’s long gone,’ she snapped bitterly. ‘Don’t you think I want to be’ – she raised her index fingers to make air quotes – ‘“fun” again? Of course I’d love to be able to relax and not get wound up about it all, but I can’t help it. This journey has changed me. It has given me my darkest days; it has brought me to my knees. It consumes my every waking moment. I think about it as soon as I open my eyes in the morning and it’s the last thing I think about at night. I can’t escape it.’

‘I’m sorry you feel that way and I see how much it means to you to have a baby but I think the time has come to draw a line under it,’ he went on. ‘I want us to move on and accept our lot.’

It felt like he had taken a hot sword and used it to sear her heart. ‘No way.’ She shook her head vigorously. ‘I’m not giving up now. It will still happen, I know it will.’

‘But you might not have any choice. I think we have to be realistic and face the fact that it might not happen for us. I’m not prepared to keep going month after month trying to put on a brave face as you become unrecognisable to me. It’s ripping us apart.’

‘So, are you giving me an ultimatum?’ she demanded, still in disbelief.

His gaze locked with hers and in his eyes she saw an urgency, a kind of desperate pleading. ‘I don’t want to do this, Lu, but I can’t take it any more. We either forget about this baby stuff, or we try to save our marriage.’

‘I can’t do that,’ she said resolutely. ‘I’d spend the rest of my life regretting it. If it doesn’t happen, I’ll have to come to terms with that, but at least I’d know I did everything possible.’

‘I’m serious Lucy, you’re not the only one suffering here. I don’t want to do this any more. I’m done.’

Tears burned in her eyes and she blinked hard. She loved her husband. He was a good man, and yet he wasn’t enough for her.

‘Y-you’re done?’ she stammered, feeling the pressure of tears pulsing behind her eyes.

He nodded. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispered.

22

Faith felt as though she had been watching the back door for hours waiting for Lucy to get home. She and her mum were sitting at the table sharing a pot of tea, both wondering how Lucy and Kyle were getting on. Finally, her sister appeared through the door.

Faith took in her sister’s crumpled face and knew it hadn’t gone well. As soon as Lucy entered the kitchen, she dissolved into tears. Faith jumped up from her chair and rushed over to her. ‘Oh, my goodness, are you okay?’ she asked.

‘Oh, my darling, come here,’ Madeleine soothed her, using her crutches to pull herself up from the chair. ‘What on earth happened?’

Lucy was sobbing so hard that she couldn’t speak through her tears.

Faith guided her down into a chair. Lucy inhaled sharply, trying to catch her breath. It was as if her lungs had seized up and she couldn’t find oxygen in the room.

‘It’s over. My marriage is over,’ she gasped, as though she couldn’t believe she was uttering the words.