Page 28 of Family Secrets in Inishbeg Cove

‘Now that she’s been forced to slow down, I really think she’s changed.’

‘Let’s wait and see. It’s been a rough few days on all of us. For now, I’m just glad we’re all finally getting along.’

21

Araw December wind stung Lucy’s cheeks as she made her way towards the village. She walked down the main street and saw Kyle in the distance. He was sitting waiting for her on the low stone wall that overlooked the cove. His back was to the village, so he didn’t see her approaching. He was looking pensively out over the dark, brooding Atlantic as it swelled towards the shore. Her heart started to hammer at the sight of him and anxiety spilled into her tummy. There had once been a time when her heart beat faster because he was near; when had this feeling changed to dread?

‘Hey…’ she began when she reached him.

He turned around to look at her. ‘I thought you weren’t going to come.’ He smiled nervously.

‘It did cross my mind,’ she admitted. Lucy had thought about cancelling, knowing that the conversation they needed to have was going to be difficult, but Madeleine and Faith had pushed her out the door and told her to stop trying to avoid the issue. She was dreading talking about their problems and what it meant for their future. She pointed at the grassy cliffs that watched over the village. ‘Do you want to take a walk up there?’ she asked.

‘Sure,’ he said. He rose from the wall and they began walking along the gravel trail that sloped up the headland towards the cliffs.

‘How’s Cavendish Hall? Did you get a nice room?’ Lucy asked, to make conversation.

‘I was lucky, I got the last one.’

‘I’m glad it’s going well for Grace and Patrick. I believe they’re almost fully booked until next year!’

Lucy had known Grace O’Neill since she was a teenager. Just like herself and Faith, Grace had grown up in Dublin but spent her summers in Inishbeg Cove, staying with her aunt Maggie. Grace had recently discovered that Patrick Cavendish – heir to the stately Cavendish Hall – was her birth father. Together, they had taken on the project of renovating the stately home from a crumbling country pile into a magnificent hotel.

‘I’m not surprised,’ he remarked. ‘It’s a beautiful venue. They’ve done a fantastic job on the renovation.’

Silence fell heavily on them. Lucy hated the strained atmosphere between them. They were like two strangers scrambling for something to say to one another instead of husband and wife.

‘Who lives in there?’ Kyle asked after a beat, gesturing to a ramshackle thatched cottage with its fire-engine red half-door. Sheep grazed on a small patch of grass at the front of the house.

‘That’s Ida the herbalist’s cottage. Apparently, she has the gift of healing. Nanna said that the villagers used to go to her for cures for minor ailments, but something happened and overnight she stopped healing people. She’s a little odd – I used to be terrified of her when I was a child, but now I can see she’s a harmless old thing. She’s a little eccentric perhaps, and likes to keep to herself, but she has a good heart.’ If only Ida had some potion that would give them a baby, she couldn’t help thinking wryly.

They continued up the cliff path, past the trail that led to Tadgh’s restaurant. As they made their way higher up the exposed headland, the wind whipped Lucy’s long hair around her face and the marram grass was bent double by the force of the gale. The roaring wind and steep incline made it difficult for her to catch her breath.

‘I’ve missed you, Lu–’ Kyle said abruptly.

‘So why did you say what you did?’ she asked. The pain of his words still tortured her.

Kyle shrugged. ‘Because it’s the truth. It’s how I feel about it. Honestly, if we never have a baby, as long as I still have you I’ll be okay.’

She narrowed her eyes. Unbridled fury burned inside her once again. Had their time apart done nothing to make him see how hurtful it was when he said things like that? Once again, she was left doubting whether they were on the same page in their marriage. ‘How can you⁠—’

He put a hand up to stop her. ‘Hear me out. I mean, of course I would always wonder what our marriage might have been like with children, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t still live a happy life or that our relationship would be somehow lesser, just because we’re not parents. I loved you from the day we met; having a child together doesn’t change that.’

‘I wish I felt that way too, but I don’t,’ she cried, almost shouting to be heard over the swirling wind. ‘I think a part of me would always feel bitter, angry, cheated, robbed if we don’t have a baby together. I wish I could get past it, and I know we were a couple first, but I can’t help how I feel. I think a baby would complete us.’

‘So, I’m not enough for you?’ He looked wounded. Her eyes met his and she saw their shared pain reflected in them.

‘Of course you are, you’re the best husband I could have asked for, but having a child is all I’ve ever wanted. I can’t explain how broken I feel. It’s like a deep yearning within me, like a hunger that can’t be satiated. Having a baby is the most fundamental thing about being a woman, and I feel like such a failure because I’m not able to do it.’

They soon reached the top of the headland, where the ruins of a cottage abandoned during the famine stood staunchly against the onslaught of the Atlantic winds.

They stopped walking and Kyle reached out to put his arm around her, pulling her in tightly against him. ‘You’re not a failure,’ he soothed. The wind whistled and howled around them and she buried her face into the sanctuary of his chest. ‘What we’re going through is hard. It takes its toll… But what if it doesn’t happen for us, Lu?’ Fear shaded his eyes. Lucy found herself looking away because it was hard to see her own biggest worry reflected in his gaze. ‘We’ve already done three rounds of IVF, and it hasn’t worked. We could do another three and still find ourselves in this situation – there are no guarantees,’ he went on.

‘We can’t give up hope! It still might happen – you always hear stories of people trying for years and lo and behold, they finally get pregnant. We can’t give up now.’ Lucy clung to positive stories as if they were beacons in the fog, guiding her along the path, helping her to keep going in the darker days. She especially loved hearing about miracle babies: when women had been beaten down by round after round of IVF and had made peace with the fact that they would never have a baby, only to be surprised in the best possible way.

‘Well, if you’re really adamant that you want to keep trying for a baby, then maybe we need to try a different approach. What about using a surrogate, or even adoption?’ he suggested.

She shook her head in frustration. Why didn’t he get this? Why didn’t he know her?