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“Yeah, I’m fine, what’s up?” I ask as she gets closer.

“Did you forget we have a class in like forty minutes?” She says, gesturing towards the main building.

“I think I’m sick, I might stay in my room today,” I say hoping she’ll believe me.

“Do you want me to come with you, we can cuddle if you want?”

A soft laugh escapes me as I reply, “I’m okay, I promise.”

“Okay, I’m a text away if you need me. Love you to purgatory and back,” she yells as she rushes off.

Love you too.

I rush into my dorm, dropping my bag at the entrance before collapsing onto the mattress. Blue climbs up just after and we stay there until my breathing calms down.

How many times can I disappoint myself before I stop believing I can change?

I don’t know how long we’ve been lying here. Minutes, or even hours maybe. Time stops existing when my mind doesn’t let me escape it. They probably have the results by now. Someone has already seen my name and knows.

They’re probably finding a way to tell me to pack my bags and go back home.

I was doing better. I was supposed to be better.

My phone buzzes against the mattress, and my heart stops before I even see the screen.

Library: I saw the results.

No…

The phone slips out of my hand and hurries to the ground and I lower myself onto the mattress, my head resting on the edge as tears cloud my vision.

He cant—he can’t see that. He can’t know that. No one can.

You know what to do, Mireya. You know what to do.

My legs brought me back to the bathroom and I want to throw up.

I fucked up, and everyone will know. And I’m still terrified of how they will react. How he will react.

This is our last chance for a better life, for Milo’s life. But I can’t stop the need, I can’t stop the thoughts. I can’t⁠—

Fuck. I hate being weak, I hate that fear never really leaves you even when you grow up.

Remember. Remember. Remember.

The blade is in between my fingers now, and blood is pulling down my thighs. Soft lines of red to forget the way my body craves the white ones again.

It’s okay. Another one and it’ll be fine.

He. Won’t. Understand.

70

Damien

Past

Play - Such Great Heights by Iron and Wine