Page 36 of Bonds of Shame, Bonds of Lust

"Not flirting with me, not telling jokes. You're being careful with me. Stop it."

She looked surprised for a second, then let out a loud laugh and leaned back.

"Fuck, Lacey. I haven't known what to think since the club. I screwed that one up. You weren't ready, and Ricardo—" She let it trail. "I don't know."

"Maybe I wasn't ready," I broke in, "but don't pin it on Ricardo. And don't pin it on yourself either. I almost lost control and then I freaked. I've never been so embarrassed."

Janice reached over. "It wasn't what I wanted for you, Lace."

"No, let me talk. Why can't I have fun? Why do I always stop everything? It was the right place, probably the right time, I just hadn't imagined—" I stopped. "No. I'd imagined the place and the sex." I paused. "I hadn't imagined my own reaction."

I looked up at her.

"I hadn't imagined how much I'd want it. That's what scared me. Losing control," I confessed.

I sat looking into the middle distance.

Finally Janice spoke. "That makes sense, Lace. Loss of control is scary."

She was being careful again. I hated it.

"So what would've happened if I'd lost control, Janice? I'd have felt something great, and that's it. Where's the downside? My dad's voice? My dad's off having a great time with his new girlfriend. Brad's disapproval? The man who had a threesome on our couch while my innocent cat watched? Why can't I just have fun?"

"Lacey, I really don't want to therapy you, you know why. But you also know there's nothing stopping you from doing whatever you decide to do. You're as free as any woman in the world."

I looked down. "I'm afraid. I know that. I'm afraid of who I'd be if I just let go." I looked back up. "But I'm also afraid of never having any joy, Janice. I'm practically middle-aged and I've never once let go in my life. Maybe I never will."

She let me sit in the silence.

I could say it if I let myself.

"God, listen to me." I reached for my water like a prop in a play. "Coming apart at lunch because my father got a girlfriend. Somebody alert cardiology. Turns out the heart specialist has one."

Janice didn't laugh. I caught the split-second crease between her eyes.

"Lace."

"I'm fine. Really."

The food came and we ate. Janice came back to herself somewhere in it, finally making jokes again, telling me some story about a woman from a conference and a hotel stairwell that I only half followed. But the pressure stayed in me the whole time, unreleased.

"Janice." I set down my fork. "What if I wanted to go back to the club?"

She was quick on the uptake.

"That would be fine. I'd love for you to come back. I could give you a proper tour this time. It's huge inside. Just the two of us, if you want."

I nodded. "I guess I ran Ricardo off, didn't I?"

She looked skeptical. "Yeah, well. I'm having second thoughts about Ricardo for you. He's a little too eager, in my opinion."

"What's that supposed to mean? Maybe he just really likes me. That's possible, you know."

Janice leaned forward. "Look. I've only ever seen Ricardo with other women at the club, never with an innocent. I'm not sure he's got the patience, or that he'll notice your—"

I started shaking my head at patience. "Jesus, Janice. I'm not a teenager. He's eleven years younger than me. He doesn't need to baby me along."

"Lacey. He told me you turned him on because it was like corrupting the innocent. He played it like a joke. I'm not sure it was one."