Page 35 of Bonds of Shame, Bonds of Lust

I rode the park loop twice. By the second time my legs were spent and my chest was open and the anger had cooled into a manageable thing, but wasn't gone.

I was going back. Not to ask Janice whether Ricardo was angry, whether there was some way to smooth it over. But rather to tell her I wanted into the Second Circle. My running out had felt like the only thing I could do. It didn't feel like that now. Now, it felt like the good girl was losing, and I was so ready for that.

Catching up doesn't undo the years he didn't. I thought it again, and it landed different this time, because I wasn't only thinking about him. The years he didn't were his. The years I didn't were mine. And I'm not dead yet.

I turned for home and texted Janice.

Can you do lunch tomorrow?

Three dots.

Of course. Where?

The usual. Noon.

She didn't ask why.

18 - BOILING POINT

Lacey

The Bluebird was nearly empty at noon on a Wednesday. Janice was already at our table by the window, no latte in front of her, just water. She rose when I came in and pulled me into a long hug.

"Hey," she said quietly when she let go. "Sit. Tell me."

I sat. I didn't quite know where to start.

"My dad called last night."

She nodded once and waited.

"He's seeing someone. Carol."

"Okay." Her voice was very gentle. "How are you with that?"

"I don't know."

She didn't fill the silence like she did normally. Her hands were folded on the table. The server came over and we ordered. Then she turned her whole attention back to me.

I told her about the call. She actually listened. I'd forgotten what that was like. The bubbly voice I hadn't recognized. Twenty-eight years of bitterness coming off him like a coat he'd finally agreed to set down. How he had not asked, in any phone call of my life, whether I was seeing anyone.

I'd been angry, I told her, and I hadn't known I was allowed to be.

Janice's hand came across the table and rested on mine. Just rested.

"Lacey," she said.

"What?"

"That's a lot."

"Yeah."

She didn't say anything else. Her thumb moved once, slowly, across my knuckle, and then went still.

"Why are you doing that?"

She blinked. "What? What am I doing?"