Page 94 of Raging Fires

She looked around the living room again and finally sat down on the couch. Toby lay down beside her, his head in her lap, and she petted him. “We’ll be okay. It will all feel better tomorrow.”

Kelli wondered if Toby believed her words any more than she did.

***

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. The whole idea was that if he got away from Kelli, he’d feel better. He wouldn’t have to see her every day. He wouldn’t have to hear her voice or her laugh. He’d be alone. And that would give him some space, some time to heal.

Thing was, it turned out he was never alone even here. Kelli was always with him. He wondered what she was doing; he calculated the time zones to know whether it was time for her to leave work or wake up or have dinner. He wondered what she was wearing and whether she had her hair up or down or in braids, or maybe that one he really liked with little braids at the temple going back to tie together and the rest of her hair long.

He worried about her walking home every night with just Toby, who was not what you’d call a guard dog. Even with Jake’s best attempts to train him before camp, he knew Toby would either run in the opposite direction or lick an attacker to death.

And then there was her stupid car. He’d had the mechanic get it in the best possible condition, but there was only so much you could do with a twelve-year-old piece of junk. What if she got stranded somewhere, and he wouldn’t be there to pick her up?

Which was all completely and utterly stupid. What did it matter what Kelli was doing or how she wore her hair? And if her car broke down, there were all those people who worked at the bar, not to mention Gran or any of his multitude of relatives that would help her.

The only thing good about that kind of thinking was that it kept his mind off other thoughts, like how much he missed Kelli and how alone he felt and how much he regretted being an idiot and going to that loan interview with Michael and missing Kelli’s texts. If he’d just taken his goddamn phone into the bank with him… If he hadn’t picked that day to talk to Michael, whom he could have set things right with a ton of times in the last four years…

He didn’t need to see Kelli to picture her in his head. He could hear her voice; he could see her smile; hell, he could practically smell her perfume. The thing he couldn’t do was what he wanted the most—to kiss her, hold her, pull her into bed and make everything right again.

Why had he thought it was a good idea to come out to Cali early? He just drove around LA aimlessly or sat on the beach and brooded. He took a side trip to San Diego and realized that he didn’t really care what city he lived in. It wasn’t Phoenix.

It was a relief when camp finally started. At least there were people around, things to do, guys to talk to. It turned out none of that made him miss Kelli any less. Still, he had something to focus on. He was determined not to let his turmoil affect his play this time. He shoved it all out of his mind and focused on throwing. On the playbook. On picking Neil’s brain. Jake was going to show all of them he was reliable now. He was going to show her.

Of course, Kelli probably wouldn’t even know. It wasn’t like she’d be watching the nightly Puma training camp reports on sports. He doubted she’d turn on the exhibition games. And even if she noticed, she’d probably just be relieved that he was handling the break-up so well.

Was he? What constituted handling a break-up? Not caring? Or just not letting it show? It wasn’t like the turmoil he’d felt after the divorce wasn’t there again. It was just that all the things he felt weren’t exploding outward and hitting other people; now they were all bouncing around inside, tearing him up instead.

***

Kelli leaned against the bar, eyes on the television screen, where the Pumas were playing their first exhibition game. She knew this wouldn’t help her get over Jake, any more than watching the local sports shows’ daily training camp updates and scouring the internet for any news of Jake or the team did. But she couldn’t seem to stop.

It had been almost a month since Jake left. She knew; she’d ticked off the days on her calendar until she’d realized what she was doing. After that, she just kept track in her head. Kelli had thought the divorce was the hardest break-up she’d ever have to deal with. She’d been wrong.

She hadn’t expected to be filled with doubts and uncertainty or regrets. She hadn’t expected this huge gaping hole in her life where Jake used to be. Kelli kept reassuring herself that she had done the right thing. She reminded herself that Jake was the one who left, not her. He was the one who wouldn’t talk to her.

Still, her fingers itched to hit his phone number. She checked her phone a hundred times a day. You’d think he could at least call to check out how Toby was doing. Not that she’d tell Jake about how their dog was always standing on the porch now, watching the entrance where Jake usually turned in, and his usual tail-wagging had gone down to half-speed.

“Hey, there’s our boy,” Wilson said, and everyone in the Blue turned to look at the screen.

And there Jake was, trotting onto the field and pulling on his helmet. Neil had played only the first quarter since it was an exhibition game, so here was Jake’s chance to prove himself. Kelli’s hands knotted into fists, and her stomach was a nest of nerves, and under her breath, she kept saying, “Come on, come on, come on.”

Most of the patrons and all the staff were glued to the screen. Even the cook and dishwasher came out to watch. Jake handed off to the running back, then did it again, and after that came a little screen pass for a first down. The next play Jake went back into the pocket, looking, waiting, and then there it went—a beautiful long spiraling pass to Asa thirty yards down the field.

Everyone in the bar cheered. Kelli’s eyes filled with tears and she swallowed hard. He’d done it. Jake had come back and here he was showing the world that he still had it. Okay, maybe it was just one pass, but she knew how important this was to Jake. She knew how the confidence would be streaming through him now. She recognized that focused look in his eyes when the camera showed a close up of him. He was really into it, the world falling away and leaving only him and the game.

When the Pumas scored a touchdown three plays later, Kelli and Wilson grabbed each other’s arms and jumped up and down. People clapped and stomped. Kelli couldn’t stop the tears rolling down her face. But that was okay; they were tears of happiness. She had worried that the end of their relationship would affect Jake the way it had last time, that he would start drinking or getting into arguments or skipping practices, and all his hard work would have been for nothing. She was beyond grateful that hadn’t happened.

The Blue gave everyone in the place a round on them, and the game went on. In the end, the Pumas lost, but winning wasn’t important in exhibition games. What mattered was that Jake looked polished and unflappable on every play. His spirals were tight, and he read the field well and made adjustments. He had command and control.

A few minutes after the game was over, Kelli began to check her phone. Gran called. Stephanie called. Jake's mother and several of his cousins called. But the number she was looking for never came up.

She thought of the way Jake used to call her after every away game, win or lose. Elated or downcast, he had wanted to share it with her. But of course he wouldn’t do that now. He’d celebrate with his friends on the team. Or maybe call that sleek, sophisticated agent—who, in Kelli’s opinion, took way too much interest in Jake’s personal life.

After work, Kelli curled up with Toby on the couch. He looked at her with that doggie-frown, then gave a long-suffering sigh and laid his head on his paws. Kelli took her phone out of her pocket. Still no calls or messages.

She could call him. There was nothing wrong with her congratulating him on his performance. Any friend might do that; it wouldn’t mean she wanted to get back together. She could put it on speakerphone and let Toby hear Jake’s voice. It would be a good thing, really; it would help establish a friend relationship between them. No ‘I love you’s, no ‘I miss you’s. Just friendly. Ordinary.

Kelli picked up her phone and went to his number. What if Jake talked to her in that cold, remote way and hung up as fast as he could? What if he told her not to call him again? What if he sent it straight to voicemail? Cold gripped her chest and squeezed.