Page 44 of Sex On A Plate

EASY STUFFED CHICKEN BREASTS

DIFFICULTY: Ever rolled a joint?

TIME: An hour.

What you’ll need from the cupboard: A large skillet, a saucepan, a spatula, a whisk, a pair of tongs, a small mixing bowl, 4 plates, a cutting board, cookie sheet, wire rack, and a rolling pin.

What you’ll need from the pantry: Between 2-4 large boneless chicken breasts, depending on how many you’re feeding. 2 cloves of garlic. 2 eggs. Salt. Pepper. Onion powder. Garlic powder. Paprika. A stick of butter. 8 pieces of Swiss cheese. 8 slices of deli ham. Panko breadcrumbs. Half a cup of flour. 2 cups whole milk. Dijon Mustard. A cup of grated parmesan. Saran Wrap. Wooden toothpicks (maybe). A cup of vegetable oil.

* * *

Mash and chop the 2 cloves of garlic into a finely chopped mess. Dump into your saucepan. Toss in the 1/2 a stick of butter. Set it on a burner away from where you anticipate you’ll be cooking the chicken, but within reach.

Preheat the oven to 300.

Put the wire rack inside the cookie sheet tabs down (remember the bacon we cooked earlier?)

Set rack/pan aside.

Beat the shit out of the breasts as described in the last recipe. In case you forgot, put them on the cutting board, cover them with Saran Wrap, and beat the fuck our of them with the flattened rolling pin.

Salt and pepper each one. Place them on a clean plate.

Beat 2 eggs in the mixing bowl.

When you’re done, grab the ham and cheese.

Lay 2 slices of ham and 2 slices of cheese onto the flattened breast, cheese first. Roll the breast up like you’re making a pinwheel until it’s all rolled up neatly. If you’re a fumbly-fingered fucker, pin everything in place with a toothpick.

Generally, it’s not necessary.

Add a teaspoon of onion powder, a teaspoon of garlic powder, a teaspoon of paprika, a few twists of pepper, and a little salt to a 1/2 cup of flour. Mix well.

Dust each rolled-up breast with flour or roll in flour.

Now, dip it in the eggs.

Roll it in the breadcrumbs.

Place them all on the clean plate, being careful not to touch the clean plate with your chicken-covered hands.

Wash your hands.

Dump 1-1/2” of oil in the skillet. Heat the to medium high.

Using the tongs, place the rolled-up chicken breasts in the oil about 3 at a time, depending on the size of the skillet. 4 might fit, if you’re skillet’s large.

Reach over and turn the saucepan on low, low, low (remember, the one with the butter in it?).

Cook each rolled up breast until they’re golden brown (roughly 5-7 minutes a side), turning once with the tongs (this time will change somewhat depending on the depth of oil, and thickness of the “roll” you’re cooking).

Please, resist the urge to fuck around rolling them in the oil. All this will do is remove the wonderful coating.

As soon as they’re done, set the breasts on the wire rack and place the pan/rack in the oven. This isn’t to cook them, just to keep ‘em warm.

Turn the saucepan to medium. Add 3 tablespoons of flour to the melted butter and whisk it smooth.

Add 3 cups of whole milk to the saucepan, a little at a time, whisking to keep smooth. Simmer and whisk until it thickens.