Page 64 of Battle Scars

“Make a choice and stick to it,” he says. “Live or die.”

TWENTY-FIVE

CAN’T BE IT

Adrienne

San Diego, California

It’s been three days since Gabe fucked me in the garage during the lightning storm. It’s also been three days since I’ve seen him. Both Manny and Eli have stuck to me like glue when they’re with me. Manny disappeared for twelve hours and I’m not asking questions about where he went because I can guess. Worse, I want to know if Gabe’s all right. I feel crowded and lonely all at the same time.

I miss him.

I never bothered to consider Gabe as an option until my mom said he would be worth the heartache. It was never a possibility, until I shared everything that happened with my mom.

But that’s the funny thing about hope. Once there’s a bud that can bloom or a spark to light the fire, there is no turning back. Once the idea was in my head that maybe I could make this work, I knew I wanted it and like always, I drove too fast, not knowing where I was going.

With Gabe, it’s now abundantly clear that I have no idea what I’m doing.

Like the last few days… I go to sleep alone and then wake up alone. I shower and braid my hair, brush my teeth, dress in the clothes I wear under my FR suit, and head to the track to train, to watch tapes of other drivers, to prepare for the race as best as I can. It’s like I’m trapped in Groundhog’s Day, and I do it all alone.

Eli meets me in the kitchen. He’s dressed in jeans and a gray T-shirt. His blond hair is cropped close to his scalp like he’s still in the military. He’s probably closer in age to me than anyone else, and even though he is probably one of the most handsome men I have ever seen, and he treats me kindly and with respect, I want Gabe. I want his dark eyes and brooding disposition. I want all of his scowls and the way the corner of his mouth tips up when he wants to smile but won’t quite let himself. I want him in my bed at night but also there to wake up next to me in the morning. I want it all, yet it was never mine to have and I’ll never know why.

“We have time before we need to leave if you want to grab something to eat,” Eli says. It’s his polite way of commenting on the fact that I have stopped eating breakfast.

I force half a sandwich down in the afternoons when everyone’s watching me, and I grab a protein shake at night for dinner. Or skip the shake and have a bottle of wine. I’m pretty sure that’s a fruit.

“No,” I reply. “I’m just going to grab a water, and then I’ll be ready to go.”

Eli watches me, then nods and grabs his keys. I get the feeling that even though he’s younger than Gabe, not much gets by him. “Ready when you are.”

“Great.”

The drive to the track is awkward and weird. Eli and I haven’t had much time to interact on any level, because I’ve been with Gabe every second of every day. I wonder if he knows what happened. Does he know I’m the dumb girl who fell for the guy who just wants to fuck the client? My cheeks burn with the very thought of it. I’m such an idiot.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks as he drives down the highway. He doesn’t turn to look over at me, and it feels like he’s trying to give me the space I need to confide in him or unburden myself. But still, I can’t take it. I can’t do this.

“Please don’t,” I whisper, tucking my chin down. I can’t even face him right now.

Eli doesn’t say anything more, he just continues to drive us toward the practice track out in East County. He pulls through the gate, and there appears to be a bit of a commotion by the entrance, but I can’t see what.

“Stay close,” he says as we park and climb out of the car. Where Gabe was clearly with me when he was protecting me, Eli is slightly behind me and to the side, walking with me in a very bodyguard, not boyfriend, way.

“Of course.”

When we make our way over to the entrance to the track, it’s clear the commotion is a large media presence. Paparazzi line the sidewalk outside the entrance.

I can’t help but wonder what’s going on or how they got in here, past the gate. I don’t have long to wonder, because Bobby comes out of nowhere and slings his arm around my shoulders, surprising me. I haven’t seen him in days, either, not since our terrible date when he was rude and arrogant.

“Hey, baby,” Bobby greets in an overly friendly manner.

I don’t know what to do. I should do something, but I’m so surprised I don’t have an opportunity to block him when his head lowers and he kisses me. In front of Eli and all the photographers.

It would seem that my life can, in fact, get worse.

Totally taken aback, I pretend like nothing is out of the ordinary and continue to walk into the track. Bobby comes with, like we do this every day, a pleased-with-himself smile on his face.

Now, I know that this whole sham is a setup of his making, and I want to smack that smile right off of his freaking face.