Page 63 of Battle Scars

I ride Big John, my wife’s favorite horse because he’s as ridiculous as he is giant. A goofy monster, he made her laugh even in the end. He’s one of the last horses left on her farm and even though I have someone who cares for them, today it needs to be me. As it has been for the last twenty-four hours.

Whether Eli believed my bullshit back in California about something coming up at base or he saw the wild look in my eyes and knew that I was about to lose my shit if I didn’t get out of there, is between him and God.

I jumped in my SUV and headed east on I-8. I drove all night, only stopping for gas, and watched as the highways changed to I-10 in New Mexico and then I-20 in Texas. I didn’t stop until I was home, only it doesn’t feel like that anymore and it hasn’t for a while.

I have a sinking suspicion that home is found only with Adrienne now. And that is so fucked up because Macy is my wife.

Macy was my wife.

She died.

She didn’t leave me for another man.

But I’ve been off, fucking a woman like she’s the only one for me. Adrienne has no idea that she makes me feel this way, so deeply… because she feels like so much more.

So I went straight to the barn on the old side of the ranch, the side with the house that no one lives in anymore, and I found Big John. He gave me the cold shoulder until I offered him some peppermints and told him that I was sorry. Sorry that he lost Macy, and I couldn’t save her. Sorry that I couldn’t be out here because being near him reminded me of her.

Now how he’s probably the only one who can stand my company.

What I didn’t tell him was that I fucked a woman so wildly, and she let me. She was there, right along with me the whole time, and loved every minute of it. It wasn’t love-making it was raw and real and the most I’ve felt in a long time, maybe ever. When I came inside her, harder than I ever have, my first thoughts were how much I loved that woman.

And then reality crashed down and I remembered. I remembered my wife and this farm and all the things I’d forgotten. I was so shaken, I’d come home.

I hop off Big John and lead him back into the barn, to his stall where we bunked together last night. It wasn’t in a big, lush bed with Adrienne in my arms, but it wasn’t the Middle East either, so I call it a win.

I’m not surprised to see Manny standing beside the stall door leaning against the rough wood of the wall with his arms folded over his chest. I knew he’d come for me eventually. He’s the best. I just hope he didn’t call my brother or my mom.

“Fancy meeting you here,” he says and I just nod before moving past him into the stall. I unsaddle Big John and begin brushing him out. “Fuck, you smell like horse shit.”

“Makes sense since I slept in it too.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asks.

“Just making my amends to Big John.”

“I don’t think that’s really who you needed to make amends to,” he says. “I think you remembered and it hurt.”

“We don’t need to do this,” I tell him.

“I think we do,” he says. “You can’t bring her back and you can’t die with her.”

“Stop.”

“Everyone with eyes in their head knew how much you loved Macy Green,” he says.

“Macy Navarro,” I correct him.

“They could see it for miles.” He goes on like I didn’t say anything at all. “But now I think you remembered what it was like to live and love again, and then you remembered what you lost and you feel like you’re cheating on your wife.”

“Aren’t I?” I shout.

“No, hermano,” he says gently. “She wanted you to live, not to die but you did it anyway. Seeing you like this would break her fucking heart.”

“She broke mine.”

“And you’re breaking it on your own all over again,” he says. “But worse, you’re breaking Adrienne.”

“What am I supposed to do?” I ask.