Page 120 of Smoke and Glitter

"Not yet. Right now it mostly looks expensive."

I laugh, and this time he does too.

Then his expression settles again.

"I've been thinking about what you asked me that night. About giving you one thing you didn't have to hear from somebody else."

My heartbeat picks up.

He notices.

Sam opens his mouth, but whatever he expected to say doesn't come immediately. His gaze drifts toward the window. A bus passes through the intersection outside, briefly cutting the light across the table before the room brightens again.

When he looks back at me, he looks more nervous than I have ever seen him.

"Letting you know me scares me."

The words come quietly.

I don't move.

He drags one hand over his beard.

"The fucked-up part is that wanting you to know me scares me too."

There is no polished explanation after it. No convenient story about what somebody else did to him.

Just Sam sitting across from me looking like he would very much like to take the sentence back and refusing to.

I set my coffee down.

"What scares you about it?"

His fingers go still against his jaw.

For several seconds, he says nothing.

I can see him working at it. His eyes move over my face before dropping to the table. He shifts in his chair and braces one hand against his thigh.

"When you were upstairs with me, I could..."

He stops, frustration tightening his mouth.

"Fuck."

My old instinct arrives immediately.

I could ask whether he thinks I'll leave. I could give him the words he's circling and watch his face until one fits. I could make this easier for both of us.

I keep my hands around my cup.

Sam leans back and looks toward the ceiling for a second. "I can see it when I'm alone."

"What?"

"All of it. What I did. Why I kept doing it. What I was protecting."

"What were you protecting?"