Page 89 of Never the Same

Me: I’m about to spin up, I’m sorry, I can’t fly there right now. But You need to go to a meeting.

Me: Text me after you go so I know you went.

Me: And Dad doesn’t remember me. How can he need me?

Mom: You know he feels so bad about how he treated you. He’s proud of you and who you became. Before he forgot everything, he told me that.

I could upchuck in my mouth at her lies because they were utter bullshit.

Me: Stop trying to atone for Dad’s sins. Focus on your own redemption.

Harsh? Maybe. But after years of parenting my parents, I was out of energy. Exhausted from it all.

Me: I have to go. I’ll swing by when I’m Stateside. Stop drinking. Go to church. Get help. Just do something.

“Everything okay?”

I went still at Hollis’s voice, and my shoulder blades pinched at the realization that she got the drop on me. She was one of the few in the world who could do that.

“My mom.” I held the phone between us, blowing out a deep breath, trying to rally. To get my heartbeat out of the danger zone.

“Is everything okay?” She folded her arms, but I knew she wanted to reach for me. To rub my arm. Scratch my back. Just do something. I could see it in her expression and body language. But we had an audience, and she was probably still worried she’d scare me off. Like any subtle movements and I might bolt, changing my mind about what I’d said to her in the bedroom. Didn’t blame her for thinking that way; I wasn’t so sure I’d trust me, either.

I lowered the phone to my side. “She wants me to visit.”

“Where do they live?”

“They’re in Houston now,” I said as Ryder waved us over.

It was mission time. Another out from having to share too much. Or was I looking at this as an opportunity to fall back to my standard operating mode, avoid and deflect? I hesitated, unsure what to do.

“I guess it’s time to leave?” She shrugged, giving me a half smile of uncertainty. “I don’t even know what we’re about to walk into when we get to this mysterious hotel, but I’m glad we’re going together, and without any kind of tension between us.”

No tension, really? For me, it was taking all my resolve not to wrap her up in my arms and hijack Owen’s plane and steal her away. Take her from a past she couldn’t remember and from a past I wished I couldn’t. Too bad I didn’t know how to fly planes, just jump from them. “Wait.” I grabbed her wrist, not giving a damn who was around. “Still remember my phone passcode?” What am I doing?

She nodded, mouth tight.

“I’m not good at the, uh, talking thing, as established.” I pressed my phone into her hand. “Read my messages with my mother. The ones from my dad, too, before he . . . you know.” My damn hand was shaking. I let go of her wrist, buried my fingers into my palm, and hid my hand behind my back. “That’ll explain a lot. Not everything, but a lot.”

“Are you sure?”

I nearly leaned in and kissed her quivering bottom lip. Sucked it between mine, right in front of everyone.

“No second chances if I keep doing the same shit I always do, right? Like keeping everything to myself,” I said in a low voice, emotion ripping through me, my heart trying to break free at how real this was starting to become.

The dark and possibly more logical side of my brain was also hollering, This is too fast, too soon. It’s only make believe; when she remembers who she really is, she’ll leave you.

“So, that’s a yes?” She had to be reading the uncertainty on my face. Surely those unsavory thoughts had manifested into a physical reaction there.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” Too late to back down now. And while I was at it, why not go almost all in with the truth? “There’s a folder in my photo app. DGU. Go through that, too.”

“DGU?”

My heart was pumping so hard my hands were getting sweaty. I couldn’t remember the last time I had such an adrenaline rush that didn’t revolve around doing my best not to die while downrange. “Don’t give up,” I finally shared. “Reminders of all the shit I’ve survived, so I don’t give up when things get hard again.”

I may have swiped through the images in that folder a half a dozen times when Hollis had been missing and after she’d been found but woke up lost to everyone all over again. Oddly, I hadn’t checked it once when she was at my house.

Her green eyes yielded a glossy sheen as she held back tears. “I know how big of a deal this is for you.” Her chest lifted with a deep inhalation, and she held that prisoner for several seconds before releasing it.