Page 28 of Doubting Hearts

He walked over to the door, opened it, and disappeared outside. His bag still lay on the floor. I paced around for a while, trying to get my head around what he’d just said.

“Christ, Sheba, what the hell do I do now?” I looked at my dog, who stared at me with bright, wise eyes. “Was I just being a prick? Did I overreact? Shit, this relationship stuff is too bloody hard.” I thought the answers to my last two questions were probably a resounding yes in hindsight. My gut thought so too, and from the look on Sheba’s face, she agreed. I thought she looked vaguely disapproving. I waved my hands in the air in resignation. One thing I had always been was man enough to say I was sorry. It didn’t always work, but the least I could do was try.

“Fine. I’ll go and apologize to him.” One of Sheba’s eyes seemed to wink at me in approval as I stormed over to the door and went outside. I couldn’t see Toby anywhere. I finally found him sitting on a giant rock at the side of the house, gazing out into the darkness. He looked at me as I came up and sat beside him.

His voice was curt when he spoke. “I’ve called a taxi. They’ll be here in half an hour. Then I’ll be out of your hair.”

“Toby, you didn’t have to do that. Don’t be so bloody stubborn.” But his jaw was set. His shoulders were taut, straining against the fabric as he hunched forward, his elbows on his knees. His hair feathered his face softly as the breeze lifted it and placed it gently back down against his skin, like a lover’s caress. He looked so lost and beautiful, and God, I didn’t know how to fix this. But I had to try. I had to tell him something to bring him back to me, share something with him even though it scared the crap out of me. I cleared my throat. I’d never told anyone this specific story before. It was the event of my life I was the most ashamed about.

“When Tommy left me, it was just before I was about to ask him to marry me. We’d lived together for two years. I’d bought the rings, booked the restaurant, and I wanted to make him my husband. Then he left me. I lost it. I went off the rails.” Toby shifted on the rock, still gazing out over the fields, but I knew he was listening.

“It hurt, a lot. I partied a lot, drank, did drugs. One night it was a friend’s party at some swanky bugger’s house in the middle of Knightsbridge.” I laughed harshly. “Everything was on tap. Drink, drugs, men—me.” I noticed his body tense at that word. Hell, but this was difficult. Toby didn’t push me. He just sat still and waited for me to carry on. I sighed, a ragged sigh out of my soul.

“I had one tablet too many and went up to one of the bedrooms with a guy. I just wanted to forget for a while. I got totally out of control. On the way up, I invited another two guys to the party.” Toby moved then, looking at me, and I thought he was going to touch me. But he didn’t. I looked down at the ground, my hands trembling at the memories of that night.

“I ended up being the bottom for all of them. They fucked me senseless, and I didn’t stop them. I don’t know if they used condoms. They sure as hell didn’t use too much lube, and I woke up the next morning with come all over me from God knows how many men and blood everywhere.” My voice choked up. I clenched my hands. I didn’t want to cry.

“Jesus, Rain.” Toby moved then, slipping off the rock to sit open legged behind me, pulling me back into his arms and settling me against his chest. His arms enfolded me in comfort, his hands on my chest, stroking it. My eyes prickled with tears.

“I was pretty badly torn, and I had to go the hospital and have treatment. I had to wait for the STD tests to come back too, and it killed me. It took months. But I was lucky. I was clean. It could have so much gone the other way. I guessed they didn’t want to catch anything either, so maybe they all used condoms. Either way, I was incredibly lucky.” My voice was flat. “I didn’t deserve to be so lucky. There are men out there who are responsible and still get diseases, and here I was being a slut, and I didn’t get anything.”

“You didn’t deserve that, Rain,” Toby whispered in my ear. “You made a mistake. No one deserves to pay for that. Poor baby.” He kissed the side of my head softly.

I’d never met a man as forgiving as Toby. He seemed to bear no grudges, just went with the flow, acting on his emotions. “Lucas could see I was on the path for a meltdown. So, that’s when he told me to get my arse down here, and I did. I’ve never told anyone about this before, not even him. I’m too bloody ashamed. It eats away at me, makes me say things I shouldn’t. I’m sorry I went off at you for telling me how you felt.”

Toby’s hands caressed my front with slow, caring movements that made me feel so much better. “We all have stuff in our past we’re ashamed of, Rain. The secret is to let it go and focus on what you are now. Tommy was a bloody idiot to let you go. I don’t know what he was thinking.” His breath ghosted my ear. “And I think you’re just wonderful now, even if you are an emotionally challenged arsehole.”

I could hear the smile in his voice, and I pressed back tighter against his chest. “I’m sorry, Toby,” I whispered. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I just get a little insecure sometimes.”

He shifted slightly. “I can understand that. But I’m not going anywhere. And if we’re going to do this, you need to know I tend to say what’s on my mind most of the time.” His tongue made a slow, wet trail down my earlobe, causing all manner of decadent sensations in my body. “And now the only thing I have on my mind is how much I want you to take me to bed and fuck me senseless.”

I shuddered at the way he uttered those words. I groaned, shifting to push him back against the hard, cold ground, lying on top of him, finding his mouth once again and claiming it. His hands grasped my backside, and we tussled on the ground for what seemed like ages. Hands grasped whatever they could find, cocks rubbed together as if desperate to break free of their restrictive clothing. The warm, male scent of Toby assaulted my senses and drove me wild.

Until the headlights of a car hit our eyes. It was the taxi, arriving to the sight of two men making out passionately on the ground. We shot to our feet, rearranging our clothing and pulling up zips as the driver got out of the car. He was about fifty, a big man, built like a rugby player, with a shaved head and tattoos all down his arms. He was broad, bulky, and had a very amused smile on his face as he walked toward us. Both Toby and I tensed. Some guys might take exception to what they’d just seen.

“Evening, chaps,” he called out. “Someone called for a taxi?” His voice was friendly, and we both relaxed.

“Erm, yes, that would have been me,” said Toby. “I don’t think I need one anymore, but I’ll pay for the drive out here anyway. Just let me get my wallet. It’s in my bag.” He gave me an embarrassed look and scarpered inside.

“Nice night,” the driver commented conversationally. “Looks like you two fellows were enjoying the evening.”

My face heated up. “Yeah, we were just….” My voice trailed off, and he chuckled.

“No need to explain to me what you two were doing. Me and my boyfriend make out all the time outside.” My mouth dropped open, and he smiled.

“I like being at one with nature. So does Barry. And we like being at one with nature together, if you get my drift.” He winked at me, and I realized my mouth was still hanging open. I shut it as Toby came out with his wallet.

He muttered uncomfortably, “I’m sorry you drove all the way here for nothing. Tell me what I owe you.”

“Just a tenner, mate, seeing as how you provided me with a free floor show. Most entertaining it was. I was parked down the road with my lights off for a while just watching.”

Both of our mouths fell open.

The taxi driver laughed loudly. “A man likes a bit of real-live hot young man entertainment. I should have let you boys get it on a little more, but Barry’s cooked dinner, and I need to get off home.”

He plucked the ten-pound note from Toby’s outstretched hand and winked again. “Next time you boys are in Leicester, come on over to Celts. Barry and I are there a lot of the time. Swing by and say hello. Barry likes a change too.” He waved saucily, getting back into his taxi. We both watched in sheer disbelief as he reversed and sped back down the dirt road to the main route.

Toby turned to me, his eyes wide. “Christ, did we just get invited to a gay sauna for a foursome with that guy and his boyfriend?”

I laughed at the look of horror on his face. This was priceless. The evening had just got a little lighter in mood. “We did. And I’d have to ask how you know about said gay sauna. You don’t strike me as the type.”

He looked discomfited. “I’ve been there once. I didn’t really enjoy it. Too many men hitting on me, and I felt a little vulnerable with my arse only being covered in a towel.” He cocked his head. “Have you been there?”

I nodded. “A few times. It’s not so bad. And I can see why guys would hit on you. You dressed just in a towel with that saucy bum under it and that incredibly sexy body would be enough to make the most discerning of men rock hard. Just like you do to me.”

We looked at each other, and I had never wanted a man more than I did right then.