Page 27 of Doubting Hearts

In fact…. I stood up, making no effort to hide the bulge in my trousers, and moved round the table toward him. He watched me approach, his eyes sultry. He knew damn well what he was doing to me. As I reached out to pull him to his feet, his phone rang. He glanced at it, and I expected him to ignore it given what I thought we’d been about to do. But he frowned and picked it up.

“It’s Simon. I need to take this.” He answered his phone as he stood up and walked over to the open doorway. The signal in the house was pretty bad, and out in the open was definitely better. He moved outside, and I watched him go. I felt a little put out that he’d chosen Simon over me and my raging hard-on. I still wasn’t sure about the dynamic between the two of them. Simon certainly had the hots for Toby, but I wasn’t sure what Toby felt in return.

I cleaned up the empty cartons and got everything tidy, and just as I was taking the rubbish bag out of the overflowing bin, Toby walked back in. He looked tense.

I tied a knot in the black bag, putting it to one side to take out to the rubbish bin later.

“Everything all right at the hotel?” I asked him.

He nodded. “Yes. Simon just wanted to check some arrangements with me for a party we have coming in tomorrow morning that are pretty high maintenance. It’s a local writers’ circle group, and they tend to be rather a demanding bunch. Bloody creative types.” He scowled. “He just needed to make sure I’d done everything.”

He frowned, then sat down again, rubbing his fingers along the grain of the table, lost in thought.

I had to ask. “Toby, you seem off. What’s up? Is Simon coming on too strong?”

He looked up at me in horror. “God, no. Why would you think that?” I sighed. “Because the man’s crazy about you.”

He looked uncomfortable. “You’ve said that before. I suppose there might be something in it….” His voice trailed off.

I looked at him in exasperation. “You just don’t want to see it, do you? I know the two of you are friends and he’s your boss, but it’s true.”

We sat there in silence for a minute. The earlier sexual tension had abated a little, but definitely not altogether. I still wanted to sweep the table free of everything on it, which at the moment was a salt and pepper pot, and throw him down onto it. But I saw Toby wanted to say something. Finally, I looked at him in exasperation. “Toby, spill it. You’re dying to say something, but you just don’t seem to be able to get it out. What’s up?”

He looked at me, and I was scared at the expression in his beautiful green eyes. They were wary and apprehensive. My stomach churned.

He stared down at the table. “Simon’s leaving the hotel. He’s leaving me in charge and going to Spain to live for a while, on a new project.”

My immediate reaction was selfish. I was relieved that any potential contender for Toby’s affections was now out of the running. I toyed with the salt pot as I spoke. “Does that upset you that he’s leaving? I think it’s a great compliment that he thinks you can run the place on your own.”

Toby sat back and took a shuddering sigh. “When he told me earlier, it sort of caused a reaction I don’t think I should have had.”

My heart sank even deeper into my stomach. “What kind of reaction?” I tried to keep it casual, but I was wondering where this was going.

“As if he meant more to me than just being my boss and my friend.” His voice was quiet.

I swallowed. “You mean feelings for him as a—” I couldn’t get the words out. “—lover, a partner?”

He nodded. His fingers picked up the pepper pot, and he turned it around and around as he sat there, staring at the table. “I got a little excited too, the one time he came into my room and we got a bit too close.” My eyes widened, and he hastened to qualify his statement. “I think it was because I was just really horny, and he was there, and, well, it just happened. It had never happened before, and it hasn’t happened again.” He grinned slightly. “I have you for that now.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know what else to say. “I didn’t think you had feelings for him.” I heard the acid in my tone.

He shook his head. “Rain, I was pretty surprised myself. I’ve never felt that way about him before. But when he told me he was leaving me, something happened.” He swallowed. “I got a bit needy, and he latched onto it, but I didn’t want to pursue anything until I’d had a chance to process it. Then you and I had one of our sessions in the shed.” He shrugged those elegant shoulders. “I knew then that I was just being stupid about it. I can’t have the feelings I have for you and feel like that about him. I think it’s just the fact he’s been such a good friend, and I care for him, and I’ll miss him, but—” He sighed. “—I wanted you to know about it. I don’t want anything between us.”

I stood up and paced around the room as he watched, his eyes worried. The fact he’d admitted to having “feelings” for me both scared and delighted me. I wasn’t sure which emotion was the more prevalent. So, like the complete bastard I was when I was unsure, I went on the attack. “So you confess you have feelings for me and another man, and I’m supposed to accept that? Take you to bed and fuck you even though you might ‘like’ someone else? Well, that’s a great start, isn’t it?” The fury in my voice even surprised me. Toby is mine alone.

He stood up angrily. “Rain, don’t be an idiot. You’re not listening. I’m telling you how I felt then and that I don’t think it means anything but that I wanted you to know. That’s how I do things. I’m not emotionally retarded.”

“Like me, you mean?” I spat. “Great, now I’m some emotionally challenged wanker too. I’m so glad I had you to tell me that.” Sheba was lying in front of the fireplace, and at my angry tone, she chuffed quietly.

Toby looked gobsmacked at my reaction. “Rain, that wasn’t what I was saying.”

I waved a hand at him. “Then where the hell do you get off saying that sort of thing? You don’t even know me, Toby.” My voice was scathing.

I immediately wanted to turn the clock back and take back all my confrontational words, but it was too late for that.

God, I was such an arsehole. This was Toby I was hurting, for God’s sake.

Toby sighed, his face angry. “I know you were hurt in the past, but you keep it all bottled up inside and don’t let people get close. I thought being invited to your place tonight was a bit of a breakthrough, but I was obviously wrong.” His tone was biting. “I thought we could try to open up a little and tell each other stuff about what was on our minds. Again, I was wrong. I’m sorry I tried to have an adult conversation rather than just sucking you, jerking you off, or letting you fuck me on a haystack.” He picked up his jacket that was slung over the back of his chair. “This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come here.”