Page 20 of Doubting Hearts

“When I was seventeen, I had enough money to put myself through hotel school, something I’d always wanted to do. I came out of there with a diploma, managed to find a job as a busboy, and from there I just kept studying and working my way up. Then I met Simon four years ago.” His voice changed when he spoke of Simon. I felt a flush of discomfort. I knew Simon was crazy about Toby. It was in the things he said, the way he looked at him, the warmth in his face whenever he saw him pass by. Toby knew something was up, but Simon was his hero, and the thought seemed to disconcert him.

“He took a chance on me, and now… here I am.” His voice trailed off, and I pulled him to me and kissed him. He submitted willingly, those beautiful lips of his opening up and letting me in. When I’d finished ravaging his mouth, I drew him to me, and we lay together, side by side, gazing up into the sky. After a while, he lifted himself up on one elbow and smiled at me. “I’m glad you’re here with me, Rain, on top of this haystack. It feels good. I really enjoyed tonight, especially the sex bit. It was definitely about time.”

I grinned at him. “Yeah, the sex was definitely way overdue.” A random thought flitted through my mind, and I frowned. “Toby, this might

sound like a stupid question, but if you were only ten when you were on your own—when did you find out you liked men, not women? And who helped you through it?”

I had been lucky. When I came out at the age of fourteen after years of jacking off to pictures of sexy male film stars and a boy in my class called Teddy Mayhew, who’d been blond and built like a wrestler, my parents had understood. They’d been shocked but supportive. My older brother, Nick, had been my champion in school, sorting out any bullies and making sure he protected me as best he could from taunts and sly suggestions from others. It had been a bit of a trial, but I’d weathered it. But as a ten-year-old being batted from foster home to foster home, without any family structure at all, I wondered how Toby had coped with it all.

Toby’s face grew guarded. “I knew from when I was about twelve that I was gay. I’d never liked girls in a sexual way, but boys gave me a thrill I couldn’t ignore. I knew what it meant—I’d been around the street kids and in the foster system enough to know.” He sat up, looking out into the darkness, his hair stirring gently in the warm breeze. “One night, when I was fourteen, in one of the foster homes I was in, I found one of the other kids, Ben, wanking off in the room we shared with two others. They’d slipped out to buy smokes somewhere, so we were alone. I watched him. He knew I was watching him too, and he liked it. He even put on a bit of a show, and before I knew it, I’d come in my pants too.” He heaved a deep sigh. “Ben was sixteen. He took me under his wing and made sure I knew who I was. He was my first real relationship, even though it only lasted two months before he signed up to join the army.”

His eyes were distant. “We never fucked, though. He wouldn’t do that. He said I was too young. So it was just mutual blowjobs and hand action. But he taught me about safe sex and how to look after myself. I’ll always be grateful for that.”

I found I couldn’t speak. In the past two weeks of getting to know Toby a little better, I had known I was getting in much deeper than I wanted to be. Hell, from the moment I’d first kissed him in the lost property room, I’d been under his spell. He was watching me carefully, as if gauging my reaction to his story. I pulled him closer, kissing the top of his head.

“Thanks for sharing that with me. I can’t believe you had to go through all that on your own. It makes my life seem privileged by comparison. All I know is you turned out to be one incredibly sexy, fine human being.”

He relaxed against me, and I felt his lips on my chest as he kissed my chilling skin. I lay for a while, digesting everything he’d told me, a lump forming in my throat. It was all getting a little overwhelming and too emotional too soon for me. Leaning over, I kissed him hard on the mouth, then stood up, stretching. “It’s getting chilly. Come on, get your lazy arse up, and let’s get home. I have a dog waiting for me who’s probably starving while her master makes out with a sexy stud, and I know you need to be up early to do what you do so well.”

I picked up my clothes and the used condom and leapt down the hay bales to the bottom of the stack. Toby followed me a moment later, his face a little set about my sudden departure when he’d been spilling his guts out. He’d probably thought it would encourage me to spill my own beans about the time I’d been—well, that time. But I wasn’t ready for that yet.

We dressed, got into the car, and were soon driving back to the hotel. My car was parked there, and I still had to drive home to my cottage. Toby was quiet on the way home. I didn’t have much more to say that wouldn’t make me feel more emotional, so I was quiet too. The silence was slightly uncomfortable. We pulled into the hotel parking lot and got out the car. Toby looked at me. He looked hurt, and I wanted to reassure him he’d done nothing wrong, it was just me being me, but I couldn’t manage that either.

He spoke softly. “Well, good night, Rain. Tonight was fun. Thanks.”

I nodded. “Any time. We’ll do it again soon.” I pulled him over for a deep kiss. His lips parted, but he wasn’t as invested in it as usual. Letting him go, I moved over to my van.

“See you tomorrow. Lucas and I will be here bright and early to make more noise and dust.” I waved, clambering into my vehicle. When I pulled out, Toby still stood looking after me.