Page 46 of Discovering Her Earl

When he managed to speak, he nodded.

“You have the right of it, Miss Bantham. I know he was indeed an arse. What I don’t know is why I still care. Why can’t I just let it go? He’s gone, has been for some time, but he haunts me still. I never feel like I’m good enough because of him.”

His head fell and his shoulders slumped. She’d never seen him look so defeated.

“I manage to hide this constant… worry, that I’m incompetent from everyone. But for whatever reason, I haven’t managed to hide it from you. You’ve known all along I couldn’t do this. I wish I had listened.”

He was embarrassed. She could tell by the way he wouldn’t meet her eyes. Anyone would be in that situation.

She was ashamed that she hesitated a few additional moments to ponder how she might use his plight as a mechanism for her revenge, but she knew she couldn’t do that. She was no longer angry at him.

It was time to be honest.

Chapter Fifteen

“I was wrong.”

Julian’s head shot up at Elaina’s words. Not only were they not true, he never imagined he would hear her say the words if they had been.

She disliked him or had originally. She’d listed all the ways he was unfit for this task. But now she had said she’d been wrong.

He shook his head and opened his mouth to correct her, but she placed her hand on his arm. He hid a gasp of surprise at the pleasure he felt in that simple touch.

In the midst of his fit, he’d only vaguely noticed the way she’d taken his hand. It had been a point to focus on in order to catch his breath and steady his churning thoughts. A light in a turbulent storm helping to guide him back.

The heat of shame washed over him again.

She’d seen everything. The way he’d broken when tasked with more than he could handle.

Except… he’d handled it.

She’d helped him through it. She hadn’t allowed him to shy away as she took over. She’d stayed by his side and offered encouragement.

Why?

She’d made no secret of how much he irritated her. Not from the moment her uncle had told her of Julian’s plans to join them at the Expedition ball.

Why would she want to help him?

A braver man might have asked as they walked into the house. But he needed to escape.

“Nay, you were not wrong. I may have managed not to muck things up too badly today, but you were not wrong about me.” When she opened her mouth, most likely to refute his argument, he shook his head and held up his hand. “I thank you for your assistance and understanding, but if you’ll excuse me, it’s been a trying day.”

In his room, he just stood there, unsure of what to do next. He was physically exhausted after his episode, and his mind couldn’t grasp onto just one thing to think about.

“Are you well?” Ben said quietly as he found him standing there with shaking hands. Julian wasn’t sure how long the man had been standing next to him before he’d spoken.

“No,” Julian answered. Then changed his response to, “I’m not sure.”

“Did something happen?” Ben asked.

“I had an episode. In front of Miss Bantham.” He rubbed his temples and hung his head.

“I see.” The man had seen such attacks before. He’d always been patient and kind as Julian found his way out of them. It was bad enough for his friend to see that, but for Elaina to be put in that position.

“As you know she’s not endeared to me, I can’t imagine this will help. And I can’t blame her—now that she’s seen my deficiencies up close—to pass me over for the trip to Egypt. I wouldn’t want someone on such a voyage who wasn’t able to dig a piece of pottery out of the dirt without breaking down. She didn’t want me to come, and now I’ve given her a valid reason to restrict my passage.”

“Did she say something in that regard?”