Page 72 of Your Pace Or Mine

“I’m sure one day soon I’ll be ready to get back on that horse and put myself out there again, but for now, I need a break from dating and social media. I hope you’ll understand. Take care of yourselves.”

Comments disabled.

TWENTY-THREE

SEBASTIAN

I look and feel like death as I drag myself into the office the day after Ashley’s confession. The whole night is hazy. After she splashed cider all over me, the logical thing to do would have been to go home. Instead, I drank several glasses of whiskey to avoid thinking about what happened. Then I exchanged some flirtatious looks with a hot turquoise-haired woman who saw me sitting alone. That looked promising until she came over and swiftly decided to cut her losses, likely due to my slurred words—should have ordered those appetizers after all—and the fact that I smelled like a delightful combination of stale cider and whiskey.

I don’t even know why I did it. I had no desire to hook up with anyone. But my thoughts were all over the place, and when she looked my way, my Pavlovian response was to smile and flirt back even while my brain screamed Is this where your focus should be right now? So anyway, I had to leave pretty fast after that disastrous conversation.

Unable to bear sitting on the subway smelling like I bathed in Strongbow, I caught a rideshare downtown and asked him to stop along the way so I could get fries and an enormous cheeseburger at a drive thru. When I got out of the car, the driver told me he hoped things pick up for me soon, making it crystal clear that I was a total mess. Anyway, the rest of my night included more whiskey and drunk texting several former flames, so the awful headache I woke up with was made even better when I saw the replies telling me what a dick I am. Except Missy from spin class, who said she’d light a candle for me, whatever that means.

Seth doesn’t look up as I take my seat. “Did you see this email from Ashley? I hope she’s okay.”

I didn’t read it. I saw her name in the inbox and couldn’t bear to open the message. I’m assuming it’s about a hiatus from social media posting, like she told me. Since Seth hasn’t torn me a new one, I gather she didn’t mention my role in her decision. I owe her one. Who am I kidding? I owe her so much I can’t think about it.

I grunt in reply. Seth glances up, then does a double take.

“Bro, what the fuck happened to you?”

“It’s nothing,” I say, as though that will fool anyone. Instead of grilling me, he gets up and walks towards the door without explanation.

“What are you doing?” I call after him.

Seth sighs. “Keep your pants on. I’m going to the machine to get you some coffee. You clearly need some.”

“That stuff is⁠—”

Before I can complain about the low quality of the office coffee machine, he pops his head back into the room and silences me with a glance. “You’re going to be a caffeine snob right now when you look like you rolled out of a ditch this morning?”

“I don’t look that bad.” I glance down and realize this shirt was from the hamper and it’s wrinkled, plus there’s a mustard stain. I do, in fact, look that bad.

He returns with a large cup of something that claims to be coffee and tastes like watered-down tar. I try not to make a face. He’s right; it’s better than nothing.

“Spill.”

“Don’t we have work to do?”

“Yes, lots, so tell me what’s up so I can get back to it.” He pauses and looks at me. “I’m not letting it go, so it’s up to you how much time we waste while you pout like a toddler.”

“Fine,” I spit out, sounding like the whiny child he accused me of being. Then it all pours out. To his credit, Seth doesn’t react when I tell him how Ashley and I have been hooking up on and off for weeks, and that I broke her heart and I’m not sure any of this can be redeemed.

“I’m so sorry, man,” I say finally. “I didn’t mean to do anything that could affect our bottom line. It just happened, and I shouldn’t have let it come to this. And now I’ve fucked it all up.”

I can’t see Ashley going public to slam us. She’s angry at me, not at Seth, and she isn’t petty or vindictive. Still, knowing I’ve not only kept something from my friend but also jeopardized our company’s reputation makes me want to hang my head in shame.

Seth keeps staring as though he’s waiting for me to continue, but I’ve got nothing left to say. Finally, I can’t stand it any more. “You’re not saying anything. Are you that mad?”

He sighs. “I could tell something was up with Ashley. I might be hyper focused on wedding stuff, but I’m not completely obtuse. I wish you’d told me so we could strategize about how to handle this, but I’m not mad at you.”

I stare at him, surprised. I never considered confiding in Seth, that he’d want to know and help me navigate this. I’ve underestimated him and our friendship, and that realization leaves me humbled. Maybe I’ve messed up in a lot of ways by holding my cards too close.

“Look, Diana and I met on a project at work, right? She was my team lead. We weren’t supposed to get together, but it happened. Sometimes this stuff isn’t convenient. That’s why there are policies about workplace relationships.”

“So why were you so quiet just now?”

He stares at me as though the answer is obvious. “I was waiting for you to finish the story.”