Page 13 of It Was Always You

Elliot took her hand and led her towards the stairs. Again, they clambered over couples on the staircase deep in the throes of passion as the seventies soundtrack became etched into Lily’s mind, never to be forgotten and not for any good reason.

At the top of the stairs, they were presented with several doors. He seemed to know where he was taking her as he opened the second door to the right along the corridor. He poked his head around the door and flicked on a light. The room was tidy and looked remarkably clean considering where they were. Posters of heavy metal bands adorned the walls, and a black fake fur comforter lay stretched at the end of the double bed. With a pounding heart and shaking limbs, Lily stood glancing around as he closed the door and slid the bolt across.

He turned to face her and smiled warmly, pointing to the door. ‘That’s just to stop interruptions, but you can leave anytime.’ He took a step closer. ‘Hey, you look nervous.’

She twisted her hands in front of her, seriously considering leaving. ‘Elliot, we’ve only been seeing each other a short time and I’ve never done… Look, this may sound crazy, but I’m still a virgin.’

He approached her and took her face in his hands. ‘There’s no pressure. Let’s just take things slow. If we don’t go all the way, then that’s fine. I just wanted to be alone with you for a bit.’ He leaned and kissed her again.

She knew exactly what he wanted and thought she wanted it too but couldn’t help wondering if her rebellious streak was perhaps getting out of hand. But she was over twenty now and an adult capable of making her own decisions. Most of her friends had been having sex for ages. She’d been waiting, but all the waiting in the world wasn’t going to get her the man she actually wanted.

She kissed Elliot back and he slid his hand up underneath the fabric of her top. She inhaled sharply and inwardly chastised herself for the automatic reaction. He stopped his ministrations briefly and she panicked that he might give up on her.

With her heart hammering rapidly and her hands a little clammy now, she mustered up confidence from somewhere deep inside and pulled him backwards to the bed.

As Elliot buttoned the fly on his jeans and sat down beside her once again, smiling down at her, Lily awkwardly righted her clothing that she had insisted on keeping on and mumbled almost incoherently about the bathroom.

‘Oh, aye, two doors along,’ he replied, gesturing in the same direction. She excused herself, unlocked and then closed the door gently behind her, fighting back tears. Once inside the bathroom with its dated brown suite and musty smell, she stared at herself in the mirror.

She swiped at escaped tears that were making their way down her flushed face. ‘You idiot,’ she hissed as her stomach knotted. Glaring at her reflection, she saw the crumple of disappointment staring back at her. ‘You stupid, stupid idiot.’

She had just handed her virginity over to someone she didn’t love, just so that she could rid herself of it like she would discard an old item of clothing she no longer liked, as if it meant nothing. Elliot had been sweet, but the earth had certainly not moved. It hadn’t been how she had either expected or wanted her first time to be. She had stared at the dark, mottled patch on the ceiling where something had clearly leaked in the past and felt nothing but numb. A sort of emptiness had crept over her as if this was all happening to someone else. And all she could think about was Adam and Eve and how they looked at each other. How their first time would no doubt involve angels and choirs and stars and fireworks and feelings.

She dragged her fingers through her wild curls and took a few deep breaths, then she splashed cold water onto her face and hoped that no one else would be able to see that she’d been crying.

When she opened the bathroom door, Elliot pushed off the wall and circled her in his arms. ‘Thank you, Lily. It meant a lot to know I was your first.’ He kissed her and she let him. ‘Next time will be better, I promise.’

She smiled and nodded, knowing full well there wouldn’t be a next time.

Saturday morning arrived and presented Lily with the throbbing head usually associated with overindulgence in alcohol. Elliot had dropped her off at her door at one o’clock in the morning after she had ended up consuming too much of the rancid-tasting brown liquid that Jacko was passing off as beer. She had drunk the vile concoction solely to rid herself of the memory of the colossal mistake she had made.

As she lay there staring at her clean, blank white ceiling, trying not to replay the previous night, and trying to ignore the nauseating sensation that someone had carpeted her tongue with the same cheap seventies shag pile she had walked on the night before, she remembered that she and Adam had arranged to go into the city for lunch and a catch-up. It had been arranged for a while, but they hadn’t confirmed things recently, so she was surprised when there was a knock on the door while she tried to stay still for fear of the room spinning. She clambered out of bed dressed only in an old faded oversized Ramones T-shirt that had once belonged to Adam.

‘Morning!’ he trilled as she opened the door. His greeting was quickly followed by a sharp intake of breath as he baulked. ‘Shit, you look rough. What happened?’ He pushed in and plonked himself down on her unmade bed.

She yawned and stretched her arms over her head. ‘Beer and loud music.’

Adam suddenly averted his eyes. ‘Er, Lily, I know we’re best friends and all, but all you have on under that T-shirt is a pair of flimsy knickers. I am a bloke, you know.’

She dropped her arms quickly and felt heat rise in her cheeks. ‘Whoops, sorry.’ She cringed, grabbed a pair of yoga pants, and pulled them on as quickly as she could. ‘So, how did your first official date with Eve go?’ Not that I actually want to know.

A grin spread across his handsome features. ‘Oh, Lil, it was fantastic. We kissed.’

Her heart sank a little as she remembered what she had done on her date, but she forced a smile. ‘Oh, great. That’s really great.’

He frowned, causing a familiar crease between his brows. ‘How was your night? Did you go to that house party?’

She nodded and plastered on a fake smile. ‘I did… it was really… yeah… good. Elliot’s really sweet.’ She wasn’t sure who she was trying to convince the most.

He laughed coldly. ‘Sweet? That’s not a word I would’ve associated with him. Just be careful, okay? He’s the kind of guy who you don’t want to be handing yourself over to. I… I don’t trust him.’

She pulled her brow into a frown and gasped. ‘You can’t say things like that, Adam. You don’t even know him.’ She folded her arms across her braless chest defiantly.

‘Look, like I just said, I’m a bloke. I know what he’s after. And I just don’t think you should go giving it to him.’

She felt the heat rising in her cheeks again and her hands fisted on her hips. ‘Yeah… well… that’s… you… it’s… it’s none of your business who I…’ She shook her head as she stumbled over her words, the right ones evading her completely.

His mouth fell open and a red hue rose rapidly in his face. ‘Please tell me you didn’t?’