Page 13 of Absolution

"You're early." He quips, sliding his phone into his desk.

"Are you kidding me? You've been on my ass for close to two years to be on time, and when I am, you're gonna complain?" I stroke Doc's back, helping her to relax. Fine, I'm the one that needs help to settle my nerves.

He taps his pen off the file in front of him. "Are you going to tell me what's on your mind, or should I start the fifty questions?"

"When did we decide this type of therapy was the right one for me?" I loathe he can read me so well, I'm ready to bolt rather than discuss this like I thought I could.

He pushes back from his desk, mulling his words over as he studies me. Drew is continuously studying me, completely unnerving at times. "Right around the time I met you and realized how hardheaded you are."

"Point taken." I rub my finger into my temple. My headaches come and go now, usually when I'm stressed.

He picks his pen up, making a note in my file. "Seriously? Are you going to make me analyze you, or are you going to tell me what you decided?"

"I've thought long and hard, and I can't find a way around, I can't go." I lean forward, resting my elbows on my legs.

Drew's pen falls to the desk. "You're avoiding them, and that's not right."

"The dreams are back." His eyes snap to mine, and I immediately turn my attention to Doc on the floor.

"How often?"

I chew on my lip, avoiding the answer. Besides, all he's going to do is over analyze and ask me how I feel about them. My insight to them is as dark as my memory, they mean nothing because they have no meaning.

But without a doubt, if I don't tell him, he'll never let me rest. It's kinda his job, I suppose. "Hit and miss. I'll have one every other night and then nothing for days. Sometimes both in one night. I wake up drenched in sweat and disoriented. Wash and repeat."

"We discussed when you first came to me, these may frequently happen, much like your migraines. Are you having flashbacks?" Drew pins me down, pushing for more. Although I have to admit he's right, I don't have to like it.

"No." I run my hand over my face. "Sometimes I wish I would have them, maybe I could make out faces or understand what's happening. Basically, loud noises, dark places, and I can't see anyone's face. I can tell there are several male voices, but only one female. Her voice is unique, fleeting, and so incredibly haunting; I'm left bereft. As if I'm missing something or...someone."

"Maybe we should consider going a little deeper; it might surprise you where your answers will be." His words echo the other times we've delved into my dreams and the lack of memory.

A sharp pain shoots into my hip, and I stand abruptly, moving across the room to work the kink out. He studies me as if I'm going to fall to pieces or burst into a dead run from his office.

I wish life were that easy. I've worked on building a new life for quite some time now, only to learn I can't run from my past one. A life I may never fit into again, and one I'm not sure I want to.

"What if I go, and I'm hit with a flood of memories? Everything I've put away comes crashing in, and I don't know how to handle it? Do I fear what I'll discover? Yes. But I worry more about the things that have been buried for a reason. What if those are the things that make me lose control? Haven't I lost enough of myself? Why would I ever want to destroy what little of me there is left?"

"Fear isn't exclusive; everyone suffers in their way. Regret is something you might want to consider being more harmful to your psyche. I never took you for someone that would rather run than face a damn thing." Drew throws a solid punch. But this one was a tad below the belt.

A tingle runs through my body and out to the tips of my fingers and toes. My anxiety brimming, ready to spill over as my faceless demons stare me down. "This is different, and you know it! What if something triggers me? I have no idea if I'll have a flashback or a full-on meltdown."

"We've discussed this, that's why you have a plan and a ton of support. You're not going to another galaxy, you're a few hours away. Your family has literally followed every guideline and suggestion which has been made to circumvent any possible issues."

"Will you try to find a new argument or at least a better way to approach me about my parents or the lack of me wanting to go back?" I lean back against the wall, crossing my arms over my chest.

"You can posture all you want, but at some point, you have to discuss things. We've been at this same impasse for a year. At first, I put myself in your shoes and could understand your hesitation, but now, it's a choice."

Damn him, he makes my blood boil. "This is your way to get me to talk about everything?"

"Yes. Is that a problem? Let's discuss how you feel." He narrows his eyes at me. Problem number one of your therapist becoming a good friend, they can read the hell out of you. "I can understand you're scared, but maybe the time has come for you to go home. Even if just for a short visit."

"What if I go, and something triggers me?" I'm reaching for every excuse I can conjure. The bad part is, he is too.

"Boone's there, he can help." He smirks. Fucking know it all he is.

I nod, shifting in my weight. "I'm afraid when I show up there, they won't want me back."

"Why would you think that Creed?" Drew steeples his fingers, gauging my words. Honestly, I am too.