Page 96 of Playing the Player

The second she says his name, everything inside me stills. I haven’t seen him or heard from him for over a week, since that night at the bar. But still, he’s all I can think about, all I can dream about, and it’s taking everything inside of me to not reach out to him. I just wish he would understand why. I wish he would have let me explain. But even after everything, he still got me a gift.

Olivia takes Bella from me so I can open the gift. I chuckle at how much tape he used to seal this thing. I might need garden sheers to get into this thing. I find a tiny section of the paper that has no tape and use that as my starting point. “Jesus Christ.” Using all of my strength to rip the paper open, it finally gives. By the time I finally get the rest of the wrapping off, I’m so out of breath, practically heaving as I try to get my breathing back to normal. “I was not expecting a workout today.”

“I’m surprised he wrapped it at all.” Josh says, “He normally just hands you the gift in a plastic bag.”

I can’t stop the laugh that escapes me. That sounds exactly like something he’d do.

A plain white box rests on my lap. My hands tremble as I lift the lid and when I see what’s inside, all the air leaves my lungs. “Oh…” Tears blur my vision and my heart is pounding in my chest. “I can’t believe he did this.”

“He wanted to get you something special.” I glance up at Liv with tears streaming down my cheeks. “Why are you crying?” She asks, setting Bella on the floor and coming over to hug me.

“I miss him.” I cry into her chest. “I miss him so fucking much, Liv.” My body wracks with silent sobs. I haven't let myself feel the weight of missing him until now. My heart physically hurts not being with him and each second without him is slowly killing me.

“Why don’t you just give him a call?”

“I can’t. Not yet. I’m not ready.”

She pulls back just enough to look at me. “I know you haven’t fully healed from Max yet, but that doesn’t mean you should put your happiness on hold until that day comes. Conor would understand.”

“What if that day never comes and I can never fully commit myself to him? I can’t do that to him, Liv.”

She sighs deeply, understanding where I’m coming from, but not fully agreeing with it. “Then why don’t you tell him that?”

“Because I don’t want him waiting on me forever.” I sit up, drying my damp cheeks, but the tears still fall. “I want him to be happy and live his life. He can’t do that when he’s waiting for me to be ready to accept him.”

Olivia’s baby blue eyes meet mine as she squeezes my hand. “Sometimes falling in love isn’t about trusting the person not to hurt you. It’s about trusting them enough to catch you when you fall.”

39

Conor

I’ve just finished my second session of physical therapy for my shoulder. Doc says I’m healing well all things considered and should be back to the ice in no time.

The pain isn’t anywhere near as brutal as it was those first couple of weeks, but after these sessions that pain comes back tenfold. By the time I hop into my truck, the throbbing is already coming back. I know the drill by now. Ice pack. Pain killers. Repeat.

Instead of moping around for the rest of my life, or until I can get back on that ice, I’m putting all my energy into getting my shoulder healed. Every exercise. Every stretch. Every miserable physio session. It’s all one step to getting back on the ice. And then I can slowly start getting my life back.

My phone pings with a message as I start the engine. I quickly glance down at the screen.

Angel: Thank you for the gift. I love it.

My heart stutters in my chest.

A notification popped up earlier from my phone calendar, reminding me that today is Sasha’s birthday. I didn’t need the reminder though, I’ve had that date locked in for months. It’s even my phone's passcode now since Sash thought 0000 was too obvious. I think the more obvious the better. No one should be dumb enough to use that as a passcode so I figured it was a safe bet. 1220, that’s what it is now.

I knew I still wanted to get Sasha a gift for her birthday. She still means so much to me and I wanted to show her that. I also wanted to thank her for everything she has done for me and I didn’t know how to. Getting her that gift was my way of showing her that I appreciate her.

I couldn’t think of anything that she would love, which is shitty because we were together almost every day for so long, so I called Olliepop last week and she agreed to help. We went to the same stores I had been to a few weeks before and had picked out a couple of different things that Sash would like. We got pajamas, clothes, books, candles. But still, none of it felt like enough.

When we were leaving, a boutique with about fifty pairs of heels in the window caught my eye. They were all different colors, all different styles. Some had small heels, some had huge ones. Some were plain, some had patterns. It looked like a museum dedicated entirely to women’s feet. It was like hell, but with better lighting and more sparkle.

I had asked Liv if there was anything in there that Sasha would like, and she said, “Have you met Sash? She would die just to get in here.” So we went in.

I can tell the difference between a Bauer and a CCM stick from fifty feet away, but apparently there are twenty different kinds of black heel. I was way in over my head.

But as it turns out, there was one pair of heels that Sasha had wanted for months, but she couldn’t afford to buy them. I had the money to buy them, so I did. I don’t know much about shoes unless they have a set of blades attached to them, so I let Olivia do all the work and I paid. All I know is that they are silver heels with lots of sparkles. I do think Sasha will like them though.

How do I play this? Do I act like it was no big deal or do I confess that I still love her and always will? Oh who am I kidding, she’ll laugh in my face. Nonchalant it is.