Page 45 of Firefly Embers

A gentle breeze rustled the leaves of the trees on the outskirts of the property, and a quiet creak sounded from beside me.

Looking to my right, I noticed the soft sway of Ma’s porch swing floating in the wind. Tendrils of breeze coasted across my skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake, pushing me toward the direction I knew I needed to go.

I stepped off the front porch, avoiding the creaky last step—a force of habit I don’t think Max or I will ever break.

I walked along the well-worn dirt path that led to the barn. Before getting to the doors, I veered left, my boots knowing the way, even if I was struggling to see in the inky darkness.

To the side of the barn, there was a small pond, its edges overgrown with brush. But beside the pond stood a tall willow tree, shading a small bench with its long-reaching branches. The grass around the bench was meticulously maintained, and the brush directly in front of it had been cut back, allowing for a clear view across the water.

I lowered myself onto the weathered wooden slats of the bench seat, placing my hands in my lap and closing my eyes. I listened to the soft splashes of fish cresting the surface of the pond and the frogs croaking loudly, enjoying the cooler night air; the rustle of the branches of the sturdy willow provided a space of solace from the world.

Softly, as if the universe was listening, I spoke out toward the water. “Hey, Ma.”

Looking down beside the bench, I took in the small wooden cross Pops had placed to mark where we’d laid Ma to rest.

Technically, we had scattered her ashes as she’d requested in her will, something we didn’t think we’d be using so early, but she and Pops had drawn up as a precaution many years ago.

The air had been warm and muggy just like tonight, the mood just as somber. Pops had turned one of her favorite spots on the entire property into a place of quiet reflection for all of us to have a place to remember her.

It had been a long time since I’d felt the need to come and be where I felt closest to her. Max always said the cove was where he went when he needed to be surrounded by thoughts of Ma.

This spot here, among the evening stars, the quiet breeze, and the rustling of willow branches, was where I felt like I was being wrapped in Ma’s comforting embrace.

The cove had somehow morphed from somewhere I only shared with my mom to something special to Ray and me. This spot was untainted by anyone’s memory but Ma’s.

I looked down at my hands, resting gently in my lap, and picked at the skin around my nails. It felt weird to be talking to the air, but if there was any chance she could hear me, I wanted her to know that I was thinking about her and that I carried her with me every single day.

Huffing a little laugh at how ridiculous this all seemed, I propped my elbows on my knees, letting my hands dangle limp between them. I hung my head and sighed, gathering the words to explain why, after so long, I’d finally come to visit.

“Honestly, I’m not sure what I’m even supposed to say. If I’m supposed to say anything at all.” Silence was the only response I got, but I didn’t let it deter me from saying what I needed to get off my chest.

“You always taught me to be a good man, a respectable man, a man people could rely on. Lately, Ma, I’ve been none of those men. I’m so fucking angry all the time.” Another humorless chuckle left my lips, thinking of how much she’d hated my dirty mouth.

“I know you’re probably up there scowling down at me for my language, but sorry, Ma, ya raised a cowboy, and it comes with the job.” I paused, gathering my thoughts and strength to continue.

“I’m gonna be going away for a little bit.” I looked out at the serene water, moonlight shining on the silver ripples as the wind flowed across its surface. “I found a really nice treatment facility in Ember Ridge. They specialize in trauma and PTSD. They’ve got doctors, therapists, and even an equine center to focus on healing after life-altering events.”

The breeze coasted across the back of my neck, as if nestling me into its embrace.

“I need help, Ma. I can’t keep living with all of this anger. I’m lashing out at Stella, Ray, Max, even Pops. I hate myself every second of every day for the way I’ve treated them.”

I lifted my eyes to look over at the cross, wishing it was actually Ma who was seated beside me, instead of two thin wooden boards nailed together, standing stoically in the dirt.

“You raised me to be better. You raised me to be strong. Somehow along the way, I’ve forgotten what that’s like. I know you wouldn’t be ashamed of the man I’ve become because that’s just not you, but I can feel your disappointment and desire for me to do better. That idea hurts more than anything else ever could.”

Twin trails of tears coasted down my cheeks as I continued. I didn’t bother to wipe them away. I needed to feel them as a reminder that there was still emotion inside of me.

“I’m gonna get better. I’m going to deal with these demons, and I’m going to come back whole. I’m going to come back as a man you can be proud of.”

As if she herself were wrapping me in a hug, the wind coasted along my arms, and the world around me seemingly ceased to exist.

“I miss you… so fucking much. You’ve missed out on some of the biggest parts of our lives, and I can’t help but be angry that you didn’t get to experience them with us. You missed Max meeting Stella, their wedding, Charlie’s adoption, my retirement from rodeo, opening my training center, Ray and me finally telling each other we’re head over heels in love. You would love everything about the life we have created here.”

Finally, I used the back of my hand to wipe the tears that had fallen from my chin as I looked up toward the night sky.

“She’s been with you every step of the way.” A soft voice spoke from the shadows. I chuckled, shaking my head and turning around, taking in the sight of Ray in her sleep shorts and oversized T-shirt standing at the edge of the space.

“Sunshine, I didn’t take you for a stalker,” I joked.