Page 27 of A Capo’s Love: Featuring A Don’s Love

I remember a couple of weeks after I left L.A with no particular destination in mind except getting far away from Luca. I landed right back in Vegas outside of Lennox’s underground casino. I didn’t know what landed me back in a place I told myself I would never come back to. It was something in Balani’s blue eyes that stuck with me.

I felt the same pain that mirrored mine the last time I talked to him. He welcomed me with opened arms, and although it took a while for me to grow comfortable in trusting him, I realized he had my best interest at heart. Balani didn’t think twice about offering me the lot in the back of his casino to park my camper at until I figured out what I wanted to do.

Then one night out of our many nights of spending time together and getting to know one another, I showed him my sketches and all the coloring books I had colored. I talked about the different images I created as if they didn’t matter. Secretly, I hoped he’d see what I felt when I looked at them, but at the same time, I didn’t expect him to.

That night my mind went back to Luca and how he reacted when he saw all my drawings and the images I colored. I saw emotion evident on Luca’s handsome face. Luca proved how much my art affected him by making room on his estate for me to have an endless space of creativity to myself. No one except my parent’s showed that much care to what a lot of people thought was stupid.

Damn, I miss him… I shook my head at my own thoughts, reeling back to Balani… my new safe space wrapped in one.

When Balani saw my art, he didn’t even blink. He looked me in the eyes and said…

“What you’re doing isn’t just coloring and drawing, Honey Boo.” He batted his natural long curly lashes then snapped his well-manicured fingers. “This is a healing tool, and you’re sitting on it like it’s nothing.”

I remember rolling my eyes, trying to brush his words off by telling him that this was just something I liked to do to calm down. Balani wasn’t having none of what I was saying. He told me that it was something other women needed as well.

Balani had real connects that he didn’t brag about. He just proved that he had those connects by putting me on with the right people to get my coloring book published. Within a week, he had me sitting in a meeting with a small but respected traditional publishing company that specialized in wellness materials for women. I was so nervous, my hands shook the entire time. I didn’t know what to say to the group of people, but Balani handled it all.

He didn’t oversell me or exaggerate what my coloring book was about. Instead, he talked about mental health without making it sound clinical. The way he made trauma a subject without making it heavy was beautiful. By the time he finished pitching my book, they weren’t just interested, they were invested.

The deal we negotiated had given me ownership rights, creative control. I got proper compensation and had enough time to create with extra financial backing. The same day I walked out of the meeting, I threw my breakfast up then ended up fainting. Balani rushed me to the hospital, and we both found out that I was four months pregnant.

I remember breaking down so hard in front of the doctor and Balani. I thought about abortion only to have that shut down by being told I was too far along. Looking back, I hated how ungrateful I was for the precious gift that I had fallen head over hills in love with now. Because of my baby girl, I made a decision to buy a two-bedroom condo for just her and I when I gave birth.

Although I was hardly there and still content with my camper, I decorated my place and had it ready for my baby girl who would be here within the next two weeks or earlier. My only regret was not telling Luca. I felt shameful and selfish about it. I prayed that he didn’t overreact once I found the courage to mail him the five-page letter that I wrote the day I found out about being pregnant. Each time I thought I gathered up enough courage to mail it off, I chickened out.

The only part of me that felt okay with not telling Luca myself was that I told his mother. I called House Of Angels from a pay phone and told Lucille about my pregnancy, and after her evil ass threatened me to get rid of my baby, I cursed her ass out and told her how I was now protected by the Reyes Mafia.

I had no clue how I would go about co-parenting with Luca because I hadn’t considered it. I was petrified to even lay eyes on the man after all this time. It seemed like with distance and space, the ache of love I had for him grew even stronger.

In a twisted way, jealousy nearly crippled me when I thought about him with another woman. I thought about Luca every day, along with how the twins were doing. I prayed to God and asked him why he allowed me to get pregnant with Luca’s baby after the painful discovery of him and my union. It wasn’t normal.

I couldn’t imagine being with a man whose father I killed, and despite Luca’s feelings for me, he’d never be able to forgive me for hurting him in the way that I did.

Luca probably thought about what I saw when I looked at him. He probably even thought I blamed him because his father was responsible for my parent’s death. Time away from him brought me to the realization that I held nothing but love for Luca. There was no resentment. It was painful for me to leave but it was something that had to be done.

It was a favor to him because although I felt his love, I still could feel the hate some days when I looked in his eyes. Russian roulette is what we had. I didn’t want to risk waking up one day to feeling a bullet lodged in my chest or forehead because he couldn’t forgive what I had done. Plus… I wanted my baby girl to grow up with a normal childhood. I wanted her surrounded with love and not fear. Having Balani’s protection wasn’t just for me but the safety of my baby.

That brought me back to why I was getting ready to go inside of Balani’s casino today to speak with him again about our protection. My due date was close, which caused my anxiety to rise. My coloring book publishing date was pushed back until November, which would give me enough time to get settled in my condo with my baby.

My phone ringing pushed me out of my thoughts. I saw that it was from Serenity and automatically ignored it. Serenity brought on nothing but disappointment. In a way, I was controlling with the advice I gave to her because I knew it was for her own good.

Serenity would act like she wanted guidance and good advice. She’d even act like she planned on applying whatever I told her to her life… but it never happened. I didn’t judge her for the reckless porn star decisions she made, I just simply wanted her to want better for herself. I had enough shit going on on my end.

Every time I talked to her, she was either complaining about a trick that had her fucked up… or about Roy. Her talking about Roy hit too close to home for me. Just hearing his name made me think about his brother. My phone went off again, and I second guessed just answering her. Going with my first mind, I pressed declined then got up to eat a snack before stepping out of my camper to have my visit with Balani.

I wiped at my half-dried tears and got excited about the watermelon I cut up in perfect squares then seasoned with season salt last night. Pregnancy had me craving things I never cared about before. What remained the same for me was my craving for fresh watermelon.

I pulled out my zip lock bag of watermelon just before my phone started ringing again.

“Fuck it, this girl ain’t gon’ stop until I block her ass.” I sighed out, frustrated.

I plopped down hard on my bed, opened the bag and took a big bite. My eyes shut as the watermelon juice ran cold down my fingers when I lifted the rest of it to my mouth.

“Damn this good.” I shuttered, smiling.

Like a maniac, Serenity called again. This time, I answered on the first ring, rolling my eyes.

“Damn!” She exclaimed loud as hell through the phone speaker. “If I ain’t trippin’, I could have sworn you was ignoring and screening a bitch calls.”