Page 41 of I Love You, It’s Ruining My Life

“You don’t get to tell me how I feel or what I want!” I said, twisting the doorknob, finding it surprisingly unlocked. She was on the ground, and I sat down next to her, pulling her into my lap. Her head rested against my shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around her. “You keep telling me I can either be with you, or I can have the band. But RaineFall doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t have it. And even if it does come back, I don’t want to leave. I want a home that’s free from the spotlight. I want Cassidy to grow up here where she can explore her interests without feeling like she has to be popular because I’m famous. I want to figure out what balance actually looks like, because I didn’t have it last time and I need it. Balance can keep you out of the spotlight, keep you from being overwhelmed. I know it’s possible, but we need to figure out what it looks like together. And you shutting me out hurts more than any potential heartbreak does.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Nalini whispered, and I knew deep down this was the issue. Everything else was an excuse, something she convinced herself we couldn’t work through, to make it easier to block me out.

“I’m scared too,” I admitted, kissing her forehead, “but I want to try. We can go slow; we don’t have to label anything yet. I don’t want a future without you in it.”

“You really think you can have both me and RaineFall?” Nalini whispered, looking at me while the thoughts turned around in her head, “You really think you can find a way to make it all work out?”

“Me? No,” I said, shaking my head, “Us? Yeah, I do.”

“We can try,” she said, after a few moments of silence, “I… just promise you won’t put off what you want for my comfort, okay? I know you, and I know you definitely did that with Jack. And I don’t want you to do that to me.” I nodded, my thumb stroking away the tears that fell down her cheeks.

“I promise, I won’t,” I assured her, “As long as you promise, you won’t try to make decisions for both of us because you think it’s easier. We figure it out together. Okay?”

“Okay,” Nalini nodded, taking one of my hands and interlocking her fingers with mine. I wasn’t sure how long we sat there; I wasn’t sure what things would look like for us in the future.

But for now? Everything about us felt right.

Chapter thirty-one

Nalini

Fifteen years later, it was amazing how easily Jackson Raine got in my head. His warnings about hurting Kam constantly played in the back of my mind. But with every day, with every kiss, it became easier to ignore. We’d decided not to tell Cassidy, not when we were still figuring it out ourselves. I was still apartment hunting, though it was less of an excuse to leave, and more because I wanted to make sure we’d have our own spaces.

Plus, I wouldn’t let myself become fully dependent on a man I wasn’t even officially dating.

However, it didn’t stop us from falling into a comfortable routine: we’d both write in the morning, spend lunch together, and in the afternoons I’d apartment hunt, argue with the insurance company, or complete whatever else was on my “get my life back on track” to-do list. And he’d pick up Cassidy from school, help her with homework, and do whatever other Dad things he needed to focus on. After she went to bed, we’d talk for hours, like there was nobody in the world but us.

It felt perfect, and selfish, and I felt like I was living in a dream and one day I’d wake up to real life telling me it was all a fairy tale. Everything felt lighter, which Misty definitely noticed when she pulled me into the equipment room after yoga.

“Are you hooking up with Kam?” she whispered, peeking out the door to make sure nobody might overhear us.

“What? No!” I immediately protested, even though I could feel the heat of my cheeks blushing, “We’re trying things out. Dating things. Which absolutely does not involve hooking up with him. You know I’m demi, and I’m not going to rush into that.”

“I know, I just don’t want you to miss your chance,” Misty said, shaking her head. “Even though slow is good for you. At least you’re finally doing something. I really thought you and Kam were going to be dancing around each other forever.”

“Yeah, it’s for the best, because I’m still looking for a place to live,” I said, “Plus my gut keeps telling me it’s too good to be true.”

“Is it your gut or is it your stupid imaginary mom-demon whispering over your shoulder?” Misty said, rolling her eyes, “You’re allowed to be happy without thinking you should be miserable all the time.”

“I know, and surprisingly it’s not that. Or not fully that,” I sighed. “It’s Kam and his brothers are legitimately thinking about bringing RaineFall back, and I’m terrified. Kam’s been songwriting nonstop. And after last time…”

“Did you know Kam’s never actually said Cassidy’s name on social media?” Misty interrupted, “He hasn’t ever posted about her either. He didn’t even do those faceless baby feet pictures, or that thing parents do where they put emojis over the baby’s faces. None of it. If it wasn’t for the fact Julia had been photographed pregnant, I don’t think they would’ve even said they were parents. Cassidy has been completely off limits, to the point I don’t think most fans would know she’s his daughter if they didn’t see her with him.”

“I didn’t… I still have all his socials blocked,” I admitted, though it was easier to imagine social media didn’t exist when it came to him. “But what does that have to do with anything?”

“He'd absolutely do the same for you,” Misty insisted. “If you value your privacy, he’ll make sure you get it. Yeah, it didn’t happen the first time around, but he’s obviously learned since then! I understand you’re worried about ending up in the center of a media frenzy again. But if he’d do this for his daughter, why wouldn’t he do that for you?”

Misty made a good point, even though I didn’t want to admit it. But more importantly, without even realizing it, she’d backed up all the things Kam had said. It gave me a sliver of hope I'd been overreacting, and I could be confident in the two of us. At least, until my thoughts were interrupted by the sound of frantic footsteps leaving the room. I didn’t want to be paranoid and immediately assume someone was listening to us, but Misty opening the door to find nobody there gave me the familiar sense I’d been spied on — and the relief that'd started to creep in immediately dissipated.

“If this conversation leaks, I’m screwed,” I muttered, covering my mouth with a yoga block and screaming into it.

“Someone probably forgot their water bottle; it happens all the time,” Misty insisted, “and if they leak it, I’ll give Kam the class list, and he’ll figure out who to sue. Because if they expose you, they also expose Cassidy, and I think that’s the one thing that'd make him go on an angry rampage.”

I’d debated putting the YWG on a December hiatus; however, it was the one responsibility in my life that didn’t feel like work. I wanted one routine thing, one thing that felt normal — so despite everyone insisting I didn’t have to, I kept it going. Besides, the kids really only needed a set of adult eyes in the room to make sure they didn’t get out of hand. But their creativity had been rubbing off on me, and the more I was around them, the more ideas I got for my own writing.

The first draft of my book was almost done, and I had a feeling I’d be able to finish it before I went back to work. I’d planned to work on it today, until my conversation with Misty had thrown me so off my game I didn’t know what to do about it. Especially when I couldn’t shake the feeling someone had been listening through the door. I’d taken my emergency anxiety meds, and they were starting to calm me down, and I figured it was better to text Kam and let him know than to try and figure it out myself. He’d insisted we'd figure everything out together, and there wasn’t a better time to test that theory than now.

Nalini