Page 37 of I Love You, It’s Ruining My Life

“But, I think what I want most,” I quietly added, after a few perfect quiet seconds, “is to never hear about your band again. I want it to be dead and buried and for the world to forget it ever existed. But I can’t ask that of you, and I don’t want you to think I am. It’s your passion, and you love your band with your whole heart. And I think that’s where our problem lies, and there’s not anything we can do about it.”

I felt him tense, and even admitting it, I felt like a fairy-tale villain, standing in the way of my own happily-ever-after. It didn’t matter what we felt about each other, not if I was going to be the one standing between him and his dreams, and he’d be standing in the way of mine.

The worst part was I was greeted with silence. One I knew meant he agreed with me, even if it hurt us both to admit.

Chapter twenty-eight

Kameron

Nalini’s words echoed through my mind the entire night. The way she believed we were standing in each other’s way, that everything we’d done made it impossible to be together. There was a ring of truth to what she said, and it haunted me.

I’d ordered her another typewriter to replace the one she’d lost — despite her complaints I’d already spent too much money on her. But the loud clacking of the keys echoing through the house told another story. It felt like a drumbeat, the tempo of her typing becoming a rhythm I couldn’t ignore. I hadn’t meant to create a melody around her typing; I hadn’t even meant to listen to the clacking for as long as I had.

Nalini said I was her muse, but she’d quickly become mine. The song almost exploded out of me, the uncertainty that came from standing in each other’s way, the way I wanted to assure her everything was okay when I knew it wasn’t. By the time her typing finished, my fingers had started to burn again, and I knew I needed a break from my guitar strings before my fingers started bleeding.

As I opened my door, I was greeted with the smell of smoke and the start of my fire alarm beeping. I ran to the kitchen, only to find Nalini with the pan in the sink, smoke filling the room. She was hyperventilating, and quickly tried to get her to focus on me.

“Are you okay?” I asked, as Nalini shook her head no. She dropped to the floor, and it was obvious she was thinking back to the fire.

“Hey,” I soothed, kneeling in front of her, grasping her shaking hands with mine, “Breathe with me, okay?” I coached her through the same breathing exercise I always used whenever the world felt too much.

“Everyone knows I’m a terrible cook, but I swear I know how to make a grilled cheese, and then somehow it caught on fire and then all I could see was…” she trailed off, but considering the circumstances, I knew what she was about to say.

“Nalini, I am saying this for your safety and sanity, I think I should be the one doing the cooking. You’re terrible at making grilled cheese.” I’d been scraping burned bread off my pans for days now, so she really couldn’t argue. Plus, I truly loved cooking.

It’d always been my way of relaxing when things got hard. A way of showing love to everyone around me. Most of the memories I had with my Mom happened in this kitchen; the two of us experimented and figured out the best way to feed the family. I didn’t think about them much anymore, and sometimes it was easier to act like they’d died. It let me remember the times when things were good, even if I knew those memories all came through a rose-colored filter of childhood. People didn’t change the way my parents did overnight, and I was certain there were signs I'd missed.

“Do you want me to make you something specific, or should it be a surprise?” I asked, half expecting her to ask for grilled cheese again. But instead, Nalini shrugged, sat down on one of the kitchen stools, and laid her head on the island.

“Sorry, I’m not trying to shut you out,” she mumbled. “I just restarted therapy last month, and my therapist hasn’t been able to meet with me since the fire, and I think I might need to talk to a psychiatrist too and get my meds adjusted. I’m so stressed and still have no money because insurance takes forever, and I’m supposed to be back to work next week, and the thought terrifies me. Like Monday is three days away, and it feels like I’m getting worse instead of better.”

“Then take more time off,” I said. “I know you’re not someone who’d easily take a sick day, and I’m sure you've saved up plenty of PTO. And if you don’t, I’m sure you can get extended leave from a doctor for this. Don’t push yourself to the brink just because you don’t want to slightly inconvenience someone else.”

“You make it sound easy,” Nalini muttered, and I sighed at her.

“I know I do, and I know it’s not,” I admitted, “Both from experience. But short-term disability should pay out for this, so if you do run out of official paid PTO, you'd still get paid. Kind of. And your insurance payout should come before the end of the month. So take December off, since you were already scheduled to have time off anyway from winter break, let yourself properly heal, and do what you need to cope. And if it’s going on a vacation, or writing your book all day, do it. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself.”

“I don’t know,” Nalini sniffled as I started chopping up chicken. “Do you know what my Mom told me when the song came out? That I brought about my own major misfortune, and it was my fault for the way both our lives had been disrupted.”

“That sounds like your Mom,” I said dryly, “But she also blamed you for everything, including your father leaving, and you never even met him. And none of it was ever actually your fault. You’re not to blame for Jack making a stupid decision, and you’re not to blame for the fact that Noah and I didn’t stop him. And you’re especially not to blame for your apartment building burning down.”

“Logically that makes sense,” Nalini reluctantly agreed, “but it feels like there’s a pattern where life starts to punish me when I go for what I want. And I know it’s stupid to even give her a moment’s thought, but what if she’s right?”

“And what if she’s not?” I replied, and she blinked in surprise to have her thoughts turned back on her. “What if this is your sign you need a change and the universe is pushing you toward it? And honestly, I think your therapist might tell you something similar,” I said, dumping some leftover noodles into the quick sauce I'd made. So much of what she was saying was similar to her breakdown in the library — but I wasn’t going to mention it. Not when constantly repeating yourself was a way of processing trauma, and if anything, Nalini was processing more than just the fire.

“You know, I thought the same thing when I watched the complex burn down. That this was my chance to start over and do what I wanted to,” she admitted. “I wish the solution wasn’t spending more money.”

“Yeah, it’s not fair how broken our healthcare system is. I told you the reason we moved back was because of money, and really it was Julia’s cancer that wiped out most of it,” I admitted before seeing a flash of panic in her eyes. “I make enough from royalties that living here and everything I’ve spent to help you is fine. But I’m nowhere near rockstar rich anymore.” I slid a bowl of pasta over to her before leaning over my own bowl.

“Wait… didn’t you have crazy good rockstar insurance?” Nalini finally asked.

“Julia’s cancer was rare, and she needed an experimental treatment and it wasn’t covered by anything, so I paid for it all,” I explained. “It worked, or at least worked better than expected. But in the end, it was so much more expensive than anyone realized. Cassidy’s had trouble adjusting to the concept of a budget, as you saw, but really, we’ll be okay. Not having to pay a mortgage anymore really helps.” She dryly chuckled at the admission, but she at least started eating, which was all I could ask for. I knew her processing what happened would come with ebbs and flows, and I couldn’t blame her for not wanting to be around teenagers as she handled all of this.

“Do you really think my boss will let me take this much time off?” Nalini finally asked, and I nodded. It was like she'd forgotten I knew the man, at least from the student side, and from what I could tell, he legitimately cared about his teachers. The job might be a hard one, but at least he'd give Nalini the support she needed.

“Just go ask him,” I assured her as she took the rest of her bowl and walked off. I knew she needed space, but at the same time, I wished I knew how else to help her. I hated feeling this helpless.

I’d learned the hard way I couldn’t magically fix things outside of my control, but it didn’t stop me from wanting to try and make things better for her in the meantime.