Page 55 of Playboy’s Purgatory

What should I be feeling? How much distance can I keep between my life and his?

He’s already walked in like he owns the place and is just waiting for me to catch up. It’s infuriating. And surprisingly hot.

I can understand why Graycie and Ezra fell for bikers. They’re fucking stubborn as hell and more determined than is probably healthy.

Dinner is filled with conversation, and Vanessa opens up more about school, what she likes, and what she hates. Playboy soaks up every single word like he’s dehydrated. I can almost see him filing everything she says away for safekeeping.

It brings tears to my eyes, but I blink them back.

I’m being far too emotional tonight. The realization that I’m actually happy sitting around the table with Vanessa and Playboy pulls me up short. It has me retreating a little in my head even as I watch them while nodding and smiling in all the right places.

It’s a different feeling from sitting around the dinner table with my family when I was growing up. Every one of those dinners felt like a battlefield. I never knew what kind of shit Lola was going to pull or what kind of performance she was going to put on.

I could never relax and spent the entire time trying to translate between what was said and what was meant. It was never ending. I was only able to breathe a sigh of relief when Lola disappeared for those two years after Vanessa was born. Even though I felt like a horrible person, I wasn’t going to apologize for feeling that way.

It’s a sad state of affairs when having a newborn in my arms is more relaxing than having dinner with my sister. But that’s how it was.

I can still feel the echoes of that relief washing over me.

As we’re finishing dinner, Playboy’s mouth lifts into a sly smile. “Vivi,” he addresses her. She blinks at him and then her face goes soft in a way I’ve never seen happen before. “I’m trying it out, what do you think?”

“I’ve never had a nickname before,” she breathes out like he’s gifted her something priceless. “Well,” she corrects herself, “someone tried to call me Nessa once, but I shut that down.”

The face she makes is filled with disgust. I can’t say I blame her. I wouldn’t want to be called ‘Nessa’ either.

“I thought about that one,” Playboy admits, “but you are not a Nessa.”

“I like Vivi,” she says it so softly that I almost miss it.

Playboy reaches over and fondly strokes her hair. “Good.” He takes a deep breath as if he’s preparing himself for something. “I was wondering if I could have another iris drawing.”

He says it like he’s asking to borrow a million dollars—with weight and the fear that he’s asking for far too much. My breath hitches and tears burn the back of my eyes.

“You want more of my drawings?” Vanessa asks the question and her surprise is evident.

“I do,” he says it clearly. Firmly. “I’d really like to hang it in my room at the clubhouse if it’s okay with you.”

Vanessa launches out of her chair and wraps herself around Playboy. He lets out a low, amused chuckle. His large hands are gentle as he holds her.

When she pulls back to look up at him, her voice is bright, “None of the other ones I have are good enough. Will you be here for a few minutes?”

He glances at me and all I can do is nod. I don’t trust my voice to not crack right now.

“Yeah, I’ll be here for a few minutes.”

“Great,” she chirps before letting him go and racing toward her room, “I’ll go and draw you one right now.”

The smile on Playboy’s face when he turns to me is victorious. I’m more than a little surprised that a ten-year-old can make him feel like he just won something. I shouldn’t be because that’s the kind of effect Vanessa has on people.

Just as Playboy starts to collect the trash, again, I blurt out, the words harsher than I intend them to be, “You shouldn’t do that.”

“Do what?”

Fuck, he looks genuinely confused. I almost hate myself for what I’m about to say.

“Encouraging her. Putting yourself in a position to become a fixture in her life. It’ll confuse her and, in the end, it’ll hurt her.”

His face crumples for a second but then he visibly pulls himself back together.