Page 89 of I’m Dreaming of a New York Christmas

I shrugged the memories away. ‘It felt like a regular, functioning relationship to me.’

‘For a couple who’d been married for decades, maybe. But we were barely out of our twenties! Didn’t you ever wonder… “what if”, Flor?’

‘Don’t call me “Flor”. And, no, I didn’t wonder. You were my person.’

Will sighed loudly, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. ‘But can’t you see how even that was hard for me? I felt under so much pressure in our relationship, Flora. You constantly used to say how I was the only person you’d ever been able to rely on or trust – and at first that felt amazing to me, it really did. I’d spent so much of my life being pitied and mollycoddled that being on the other side felt like freedom. But I can see now how I – well, both of us – let that imbalance go too far. And, I hate to say it, but it sometimes felt like I was your parent, not your partner.’

I opened my mouth to defend myself, but no words came out.

Will kept going. ‘When things went to shit in June, I figured a clean break would do us both some good. I felt awful, I really did. But I wanted you to see that you are more than capable of standing on your own two feet.’

Little did he know that, ever since he’d left, I’d spent most of my time horizontal.

Until this week.

I inhaled and exhaled slowly before replying. ‘You need to know that you broke my heart that day. If you’d told me how you were feeling at any other point in our relationship, I would have listened, and tried to understand.’ Would I have done? ‘But we were two days away from getting married, Will. It was practically our wedding day! I lost the person I needed the most at the very time I thought I could rely on them. It felt as if you’d died.’

He looked up at me, eyes flashing. ‘You could have unblocked me at any time. You didn’t. That’s on you.’

Every part of me wanted to shut down, just like I’d done in the summer. Instead, I sucked in a deep lungful of air through my nose, squeezed my eyes shut and tried to see the bigger picture. Blocking Will had been about survival back then, so even though he was right to call me out on it, I didn’t regret how I’d handled our separation; I simply hadn’t been ready for this conversation. Perhaps I still wasn’t ready all these months later. But I guess if I didn’t try, I’d never know.

I opened my eyes and spoke as clearly as I could. ‘I never wanted you to see that speech, Will; you have to know that. I just had to get it out of my head. There was some really heavy stuff in there that must have been so hard for you to read. Writing it was the biggest mistake of my life, and I’m sorry.’

‘I know you are. But thanks for saying it anyway. But none of this was about the speech, Flora. You must know that? That was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.’

‘But I didn’t even know there was a camel! We could have talked it through, figured it all out!’

‘I really don’t think we could have done.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I know you too well, Flora! You’d have been devastated the moment I even hinted I was questioning our relationship, and then I’d have felt awful and minimised it to make you feel better, too terrified to ever bring it up again.’

‘You really believe that?’

He nodded as he spoke. ‘When you blocked me, it felt like a pretty clear message that you wanted some breathing space. And then it turned out that I needed that breathing space, too.’

‘Jumping into a relationship with someone else sounds like the opposite of “breathing space” to me, Will.’

He rubbed his forehead with his fingertips. ‘I know.’

‘It just seems so… soon.’

‘I know,’ he repeated.

We slumped back in our respective chairs, the silence between us completely at odds with the bustling café full of excited tourists about to see – or having just experienced – one of the most iconic views in the world.

After a minute or so, Will spoke first. ‘You don’t need me to have a happy life, Flora. You are so fucking smart and funny. And you’re way less shy than you think you are. In a way, I always felt like you were destined for something bigger, like I was holding you back.’

I took his hands, just like the cellmate in a prison reunion scene would do, competing trails of tears making beelines for my chin. ‘That’s not true, Will.’

‘I think it is. I mean, look at you – you seem to be doing pretty well to me. Navigating New York with fancy shopping bags, painting your nails new colours, hugging random guys in Brooklyn bars…’

My mouth dropped open. ‘What random guys? What are you talking about?’

He removed his hands from under mine, tapped his screen a few times and passed his phone to me. ‘This guy. Who’s he, hmm?’

The photo of me and Ethan from a couple of nights ago stared back at me.