Page 114 of I’m Dreaming of a New York Christmas

‘Right in the middle of your cancer treatment, I bet?’ I said, looking at Mum.

‘Well, yes, but… oh, never mind.’

‘But what, Mum…?’ I prompted.

Mum stole a glance at Anneka, who shrugged. Apparently, this was the only consent Mum needed to keep talking. ‘But when I found out about the wedding, I couldn’t help but feel a little… relieved, love.’

‘Relieved?! What do you mean?’

‘Oh, it’s all coming out wrong,’ Mum said. ‘Anneka?’

Anneka took my hands and looked into my eyes intently before speaking. ‘The longer you were with Will, the more your in-built light seemed to get dimmer and dimmer.’

‘So you’re basically saying you’re happy he walked out on me?’

‘No! Absolutely not. We were so sad for you. But we also wondered whether, in the longer term, it might help you find your way back to yourself.’

‘And back to us,’ Mum added.

I wouldn’t be here, with my family, in this faraway city, if the wedding had gone ahead.

Talk about a truth-bomb.

‘Oh. I see.’

‘Will is a sweet guy and we liked him, and we could tell you did, too. But “liking” someone is different to being “head over heels in love” with them, isn’t it?’

Anneka’s question was rhetorical, but the answer screamed itself inside my head anyway: YES.

‘I can’t ever remember him making you laugh or doing anything romantic for you,’ Anneka continued. ‘To top it all off, his surname was Grewcock. Lucky escape, if you ask me.’ She finished her brutal dissection by pressing her palms together and bowing.

I threw a pillow at her, although I couldn’t deny she was right. ‘Neither of you thought I was “free” when I was with Will?’

‘That’s not up for us to decide, Flo,’ Mum answered. ‘Only you know how you felt when you and Will were together. And none of us really knows what freedom feels like until we get a taste of it.’

‘Yeah, like, for me, it’s feeling every muscle in my entire body work as one when I’m pole dancing,’ Anneka said, undulating wishfully. ‘What’s yours, Mum?’

‘Dirt under my fingernails as I’m pulling something up from the earth that I can later eat… after I’ve checked it’s not poisonous,’ she added, clocking my aghast expression.

‘How about you, Flo? When have you felt most free?’ Anneka asked.

My mind immediately flew back to that moment just days ago in the mosh pit. The music. The abandon. The connection – not just with Ethan, but with total strangers who were having the same euphoric experience. That had felt like freedom.

‘When I’m at a gig, being happy in the moment,’ I answered.

With Ethan.

My eyes began to burn with the threat of tears. ‘I… think I made a mistake leaving Ethan the way I did,’ I said, bowing my head so they couldn’t see the extent of my sadness. ‘He really wanted to come to the hospital with me, but I was too embarrassed.’

‘Embarrassed? Why?’ Anneka asked.

You should tell them.

‘He… thought I’d come to New York alone.’

‘I guess it’s an easy assumption to make?’ Anneka said, but I could tell that, deep down, she knew what I was going to say next.

‘It wasn’t an assumption. It was what I told him.’