Page 103 of I’m Dreaming of a New York Christmas

Great, now he’s using my own metaphor against me.

‘I’m just a temporary diversion, then, am I?’

‘No. I think you might be… the main intersection.’

I took a deep breath and let his statement settle before replying. ‘But… it’s not like you’re ever going to hop on a plane and come and visit me, is it? I’ll always be nothing more than… an accidental pothole in your life – just like I am in Will’s, and just like I am in my entire family’s.’

Forever the flaw.

‘Hey, you’re the one who originally wanted to have some casual fun, remember?’

‘Yeah, well, it turns out I’m incapable of casual. Sorry about that.’ I tucked my knees under my chin and stared at the tarmac.

‘Hey, you’re not “incapable” of anything, okay? You just care about stuff – and people – a lot, and aren’t afraid to show it. I think we’re… quite similar in that way.’

Ethan reached for my hair, gently coiling one of my fast-dropping waves around his icy forefinger before letting it fall.

‘Your hands are cold,’ I said, rubbing one of them between my own. I did the same with his second hand while unscripted words fell from my mouth.

‘I’ve never… cared about someone this quickly before,’ I said, my eyes still focused on warming his palms in turn. ‘I’m struggling to process it all, to be honest – let alone so soon after everything that happened to me this year.’

‘Same page, Flora Bell, same damn page.’

We interlinked both our hands and sighed.

‘I mean, we gave “casual” a good go, didn’t we?’ Ethan said after at least ten seconds of loaded silence.

I snorted. ‘We are such losers.’

‘We are. I really like losing with you, though. It kind of feels like the only race I want to be in.’

Heat rushed up – and down – my spine. Why did he have to keep being so lovely? I let go of his hands – skin-to-skin contact felt way too dangerous right now.

‘Why didn’t you tell me about Sophie sooner?’

‘I kind of did – she was the colleague I was secretly dating back when I joined the agency straight out of college. But when you started asking about Rick’s engagement announcement, the reason I got all cagey was because Mum spent that whole night trying to pressure us into having a big, joint wedding. And that was when I really started to have doubts about it all.’

‘Wait, you’re saying that this, today, could have been your wedding, too?’

‘In another life maybe, yeah. In the end, Sophie and I stood our ground and kept our wedding plans separate, but it was a sore point in the family for quite some time. In fact, this time last year, I wasn’t on speaking terms with my parents and didn’t even spend Christmas with them.’

‘Sounds tricky,’ I said, shivering now.

‘Yup, sure was.’ Ethan brushed some imaginary dust off his knees before standing up and rubbing his hands together. ‘Listen, none of this ideal, I know that. But we should head back inside; it’s freezing out here. We can keep talking about all of this later.’

I didn’t rise from my seated position on the kerb.

‘You mean, back at yours?’ I asked, looking up at him.

‘Yeah, I thought you would be—’

And there I was again – temporarily stalled at yet another crossroads. It didn’t feel too dissimilar to the junction I’d faced from the foot of his bed a few nights ago, although this decision felt much more perilous. Turning one way involved putting my painful shoe back on, plastering a smile on my face and heading back inside – my hand inside Ethan’s. But that route also involved having to make small talk with countless strangers for God knows how many hours – and I had so many feelings and thoughts jumbled up inside me that even the word ‘chitchat’ made me want to roll myself into a ball like a threatened porcupine. Taking the other road felt super harsh but much more straightforward, somehow – even though it would still involve the sore feet: leave now, and make this goodbye marginally less gut-wrenching.

You’re in control right now, Flora; protect yourself.

‘I shouldn’t have come tonight. I should go.’

I didn’t want to be saying these words, but I absolutely felt like I needed to – for both our sakes.