Page 64 of Craving Sin

“You sound weird.”

Yeah, well, I feel weird, but he doesn’t need to know that. I don’t know how such a short time away changed everything about me, but then, I guess I do know how, and the answer is Abbott. “I promise, I’m okay. How are classes going? How’s Ollie?”

There’s another pause, this one shorter than the others, before Cillian replies. First, he talks about Ollie. “He’s tutoring this semester. He’s so fucking smart. He’s good about keeping Rory on track, though. We’ve been trying to, like…have Sundays as our day or whatever.”

I smile. “That’s good. It’s important to make sure you have set time to spend with your partner. I wasn’t always the best at that.” But Cillian is. No matter what, my son is and will always be a better man than I am, and that means something to me.

“I know,” he says, but then adds, “You tried though…more than others. She knew. She always knew how much you loved her.”

My pulse is like a loud bass in my ear, making it hard to hear him, but I know he said what I think he did. “Thank you. That means a lot to hear…even if I don’t deserve it. You’re better with Ollie.”

“I try to be. I don’t want to fuck it up, ya know?”

“I know,” I reply. “And you won’t.”

“Can I ask you something?” Cillian says after a moment.

“You can ask me anything.”

“T said you were at our house in New Hampshire. Why did you go there?”

I drop my head back, squeezing my eyes shut. I should have expected this question, but the truth is, I don’t know how to respond. Why did I bring Abbott, a man I didn’t know, to a place I hold so dear to me? A place I shared with Moira and my son? It’s fucked when you think about it—that I fucked him there, this man who made me remember what it’s like to want someone, to crave them again. Maybe I had to do it there. Maybe that’s the only place that could open me up—all my emotions too sharp and powerful there.

“Dad?” he asks, after a moment.

Dad. How ridiculous is it that the name makes me want to cheer? “I’m here. I’m just trying to figure out how to answer,” I say honestly. “I don’t know why I went there, really. It just felt right.”

“Okay,” he says. “Something is different.”

I am different.

I feel more like me. “I’m good, son. Just trying to figure some things out.”

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

I smile at his response, glad I called, glad I did what Abbott said I should try to do. “I will. I love you.”

“I…love you too, Dad.”

We end the call, and I can’t wipe the smile off my face.

I wish I could tell Abbott, but instead, I pull up the monitoring app and watch the flashing dot. That’s all I have.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

Abbott

I haven’t had much to do with myself for the past few days. I’m not used to being home and not going to work. Being a surgeon is my whole identity, and now that I’m taking a longer leave of absence to sort shit out in my head, I’ve realized even more that without work…I have nothing.

I’ve been going to the gym a lot and have spent more time jogging, which is what I’m doing now. It’s after nine, and my hope is that burning off some energy will help me sleep tonight.

My feet pound against the pavement, vibrating up my legs and making my body shake. My legs are tired. My whole body is. I’ve been out here close to an hour already, but can’t seem to make myself go inside, to just sit alone. Is it so much better jogging alone?

I keep going, push myself harder. My body screams at me, but I ignore it. Why does everything in my life feel so different now? It’s like I can’t get myself on steady ground, like my equilibrium feels off since I removed the blindfold in the woods and realized Rian was gone.

I take another lap around the block, and each time I do, I can’t help but feel like someone is watching me. Like there are eyes on me, everywhere, all the time, no matter where I go. It’s been happening since I returned home.

Every time I feel it, I tell myself it’s Rian—that he’s out there, following me the way he did in the hospital that night, unable to stay away.