Page 45 of Warlord’s Empire

“They are,” he admitted. “While I may have quit working directly as a mercenary, I still own the largest soldiers-for-hire operation on this continent. That’s not something I can just give up.”

“Why?” she challenged him.

He examined her, mentally choosing his words. This was a critical moment in their future. Land mines lay on either side of his path. If he strayed even a little in her regard, she could blow him up.

“Strategy,” he admitted. “Defense. Power. Men like me don’t quit the war, we die on the battlefield. If I were to retire completely, give up my power and walk away, I would be hunted for the rest of my likely short life. Survival means I will have to remain Warlord of my empire until my dying day.” Her face darkened as he gave her the bald truth. “But it’s more than that. Over these past several years, I have learned about my people in a way I’ve never bothered with before. Those who fight for me, their families, the people they protect with their lives. They are not a one-dimensional fighting unit. They’re people with histories, stories, often tragic. If I walk away from them, I walk away from a responsibility I took on many years ago. I didn’t realize it then, didn’t care about their stories. I thought it didn’t matter so long as they fought well. Now I care that they and their families get to live a good life.”

Her face was leached of colour and her hand trembled where it rested on the table. “I’m glad you care for your people,” she said, her voice low. “That means something to me, even if I abhor the rest.”

Should he continue? He’d said his piece, as much as he was going to give her anyway. Perhaps he should release her, send her back to her family. He would always watch over her, but he wouldn’t inflict his presence on her.

Before he could make up his mind, she spoke. “I… this is a lot to think about, Muhammed.”

A shudder went through him at her use of his name. No, he could never send her away. He needed to hear those syllables spill from her lips every day for the rest of his life. He needed it like he needed air.

“I’m sorry if I’ve disturbed you,” he said in a low voice, resisting the urge to touch her.

She nodded, her tongue darting out to wet her lips. “How does this relate to your PTSD?”

He smiled tightly. “Through loving you and seeing the world through your eyes, I learned to despise the destruction of my past. To see death as waste, rather than a paycheck. It’s my belief that my mind is punishing me with these visions I can’t…” It was difficult to admit his failings, especially to the woman he wanted to be everything for. “I can’t control them. They take me over, punish me for my bloody past. Sometimes I think it’s the ghosts of my victims come back to haunt me.”

Her expression shifted to one of compassion. It was she who took his hand in hers. Despite her discomfort over their conversation, his angel was trying to make him feel better.

“You said it yourself, it’s PTSD, right?” she said softly. “Not the ghosts of your past. It’s your mind trying to cope with a lifetime of horrors.”

“Atrocities committed by me,” he said bluntly.

“Yeah, some of them, but your brain can’t differentiate between doing and seeing. All it knows is it has to stay hypervigilant or the horrors you’ve experienced in your past could happen again.”

“Horrors I’ve committed.” He was not going to allow her to minimize his crimes.

She tilted her head, giving him that unnerving stare. “Do you want to get better, or do you want to continue punishing yourself with the nightmares and PTSD episodes?”

He frowned. “I’m not punishing myself. I can’t control it.” It was a difficult thing to say out loud, but it was getting easier.

“These uncontrollable visions are conjured by your brain, which means you can learn to master them, but…” She stopped, biting her lip.

“But what?” he asked, and when she didn’t speak, he said gently, “Saskia, you’re making sense to me. I’ve never had to think about these things before. I’ve no experience with psychology. I’m a machine, built for one thing. You are the student, you know better than me about these things. Tell me what you think.”

A slow smile split her lips. “Most of what I know about PTSD comes from Shaun.”

“Your cousin-in-law.”

“Yes. She was a doctor working in Ukraine when Jozef took her from the hospital she was working at. She’d never personally experienced violence before then. It was extremely frightening for her. She saw her colleague shot and killed and never knew from one moment to the next if Jozef was going to kill her. Not until he fell in love with her did she start to feel safe in the Koba household.”

Radik knew all this of course, his research on the Koba family was quite thorough. “She experienced PTSD?”

“Yes, she did.” Saskia leaned forward in her chair. “Except she’s not a skilled fighter like you are, so when something happened that frightened her, she would have a panic attack. She described it as having a vice squeezing her from the inside. She couldn’t speak or move, would collapse in a crying, shaking heap. She couldn’t control herself.”

Like Radik couldn’t control himself, except instead of collapsing, he fought the images his brain told him were real. “Was she able to stop these episodes?” For the first time in a long time, Radik felt hopeful.

“For the most part. I don’t know if they’ll ever entirely go away, but for her sake I hope they do. She’s done a lot of work to manage them because she knows she needs to be mobile and capable in case anything happens to her again. And with being married to Jozef, it really could.”

She looked wistful and he felt compelled to say, “You’ll see her again. All of them.”

Her gaze sharpened. “I will? You told me I wouldn’t be allowed to see them.”

“I had hoped you might forget them over time, switch allegiance to me, but having spent time with you here, getting to know your mind better than I could in six years of watching you from a distance, I now understand your loyalty to them is unshakable. You will never forget them, never stop wanting to be with them, and I can’t be the person who causes you harm by taking away your family.”