Page 37 of Antonio Miles

“Exactly like that. Only I’m worried I was so calm. What if I’m like that all the time, Veda? What if I can kill without remorse?”

“Honey, that’s not what you did at all!” She turned to tuck one leg under her while she faced me. “You’re remorseful right now! And that guy you killed? You know good and well if you’d been one of those girls, he’d be the one ensuring you didn’t leave. At least not alive. You know it as well as I do.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I kind of thought the same thing myself. But he had a wife. Or a husband.” I shook my head helplessly, not able to get the words out. “He had a wedding band. What if I orphaned his kids?”

“And what if he’d been a decent human being and helped all of you rather than protecting those scumbags? I’d say he was more to blame than you for his demise.”

I hesitated, looking desperately for a way to punish myself. Just not for the reasons Veda and Antonio thought. “Coming up empty with an argument.”

My sister smiled at me. “Then maybe it’s time you stopped pussyfooting around this whole situation and tell me what’s really bothering you.”

I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around them, resting my cheek on top so I could look at my sister while I spoke. “Tonio needs a woman who can handle that shit. And I’m not sure I can.”

Veda smiled at me gently. “Tessa, honey. He knows that. He’s beating himself up for giving in to you and not taking away your choices. At the same time, he knows you had to make that decision on your own.”

“I thought I was stronger than this. The fact I didn’t feel anything at the time and seemed to have gone numb, I thought meant I could handle it.”

“You’re not built that way, Tessa. You became that woman to survive and to get vengeance for others.” She smiled at me and shook her head. “You’re first and foremost a nurturer. Always have been.”

“Tonio keeps trying to fix everything. Food, a doctor, a debrief. Like there’s a checklist and if he gets through it, I’ll be OK by morning. Thing is, I feel like maybe I should. I mean, I was. But then I worried about being so cold-blooded. I can’t have it both ways, Veda! What’s wrong with me?” I felt a tear drip from the corner of my eye and wiped it away angrily.

“He would think that.” Amused dryness crept into her voice. “Damned man solves problems by killing them or throwing money at them, since he’s richer than God. This doesn’t fall into either category, so he’s floundering.”

“I didn’t know what to tell him. I still don’t. I just needed him to stop looking at me like I might break.”

“You’re not going to break.” She said it without any weight behind it at all, like she was stating something true and boring. The sky is up. Water is wet. “You held it together in that hallway. You’re holding it together right now. Being wrecked by what you did and being weak aren’t the same thing, and if nobody’s told you that yet, I’m telling you now. Also,” she gave me a pointed look. “It’s OK to cry.”

I felt something loosen in my chest, some knot I hadn’t known I’d been carrying since the moment the man crumpled before me. I’d spent this whole ordeal terrified of becoming the thing everyone worried I already was, some fragile weight around Antonio’s neck, one more person he had to manage and protect and worry over. Sitting here on the floor with my sister, I didn’t feel like a liability.

“I didn’t want him to see me like this,” I said. “Like I might not be able to handle it.”

“He’ll see you a hundred different ways before this is over, and most of them won’t be pretty.” Veda knocked her shoulder against mine lightly. “That’s not a weakness in you. It’s just what happens to people who survive things. You’re allowed to not have your face together every second of every day. Even for him. And if he doesn’t agree, I will show him why he should.”

We stayed on the floor a long time after that, not talking, just breathing in the same quiet, and leaning on each other. For now, this was enough.

Chapter Twelve

Antonio

I came back to Tessa’s suite with the food I’d promised. Every step down the hall was harder than it should have been. The whole house had an unsettled hush blanketing it. At the door, I heard Tessa and Veda speaking softly to each other. Didn’t surprise me. I knew Tessa’s sister could help her see whatever it was Tessa needed to see. I paused, not to eavesdrop but because I didn’t want to step into something mid-breakdown. Mostly because I’d need to go kill someone and I knew she needed me here now more than she needed me to kill Denton.

The door opened and Veda slipped out, half turning before she saw me. Her eyes were red rimmed, but she didn’t look weak. She looked dangerous. She shut the door behind her with a soft click and faced me, arms folded.

“She’ll be OK,” Veda said, voice level. “Don’t make it worse. I almost like you, Tonio. Might even try to convince Darby to hang out with you more. But I won’t hesitate to kill you if you hurt Tessa. She’s not like us.”

“You think I don’t know that?” I wanted to get up in her face and show her she couldn’t talk to me like that but couldn’t seem to make that step toward her. Instead, I took a breath. “She shot a man tonight, Veda. It’s going to get worse before it gets better.”

Veda looked me up and down like she found me lacking. “She’s steadier than you think.” Veda stepped closer. “You’re the one who looks like you’re about to lose your shit.” She shook her head. “Look. I won’t say this more than once. Don’t fuck this up, Tonio. She’s a nurturer. A protector only when she has to be. You should be thanking your lucky stars she felt she needed to be with you. Do you understand what that means?”

I think I finally realized I might have a chance at this because I knew exactly what it meant that Tessa protected me. “She feels more for me than simple friendship.”

She looked at the tray I carried with the food I’d brought for Tessa, then back at me. “And bring her the dinner first. She needs to eat if she can stomach it.”

Veda slid past, shoulder brushing mine. I stood there a moment longer, collecting myself. Then I went inside.

Tessa stood at the window staring out past the trees to the ridge. She turned when I came in, and I saw at once that Veda had been right. The color was back in her face. She still looked fragile but not like she might shatter at any moment.

The relief that hit nearly drove me to my knees. Tessa wasn’t broken. Like her sister said. She was a nurturer and she’d forced herself into the protector role for multiple reasons. But she’d killed to save me. I had to remember that. I owed her my life, and I knew I’d give it willingly.