Page 97 of Arctic Titans of Northwood U: Volume 2

Again, silence returned.

I didn’t dare look into his eyes. Since the moment he had first kissed me, the way he looked at me was different. He couldn’t control it. It was a look brimming with devotion and loyalty. And I hoped I had given him such looks, too. I hoped I’d made him happy for a while. I hoped it wasn’t all self-serving happiness that I had needed to feel.

“Sebastian,” Tyler said, his tone a little more urgent. It was like he was holding something deep down but it was breaking free despite his effort. Fear.

“Hm?” I frowned, looking at the space between us. The paint was starting to peel from the wood. This bench was old. I wondered if our carved names were still on the underside or if the wood had been replaced. As if by instinct, my hand hooked under the bench, and I ran my fingers over the rough surface.

I couldn’t tell, of course. Not without looking.

Leaning in, Tyler dropped his voice by an octave and spoke seriously. “Whatever’s going on there, you know you can tell me.”

It felt like his words had fingers and those fingers squeezed my heart. I wanted to moan and sob and do just that. “Nothing’s going on.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Tyler said, then fell silent after his words sounded angrier than he’d apparently intended. I looked up and saw him looking away from me, biting his lower lip.

I swallowed. “We’re just talking a lot about this and that.”

“Uh-huh,” Tyler said. He refused to look at me. “And all that talking isn’t giving you some new ideas, is it?”

I turned away from him. Why did he have to know everything in such detail? Why did he have to be so goddamn aware all the time? It was infuriating how much he tempted me to share my troubles and cling to him. I could do it. I could hold him close and keep him from ever finding true happiness. I could trick him into staying with me, missing out on all the good things, and being my rock, my support system, my everything.

Was I that selfish?

I couldn’t be. Not with the guy who’d already given so much of himself for my good. I only had one way to solve this mess.

Carefully, I thought about my words and I swallowed. Rip it off quickly, I told myself. “I don’t think we should be together.”

I could hear his teeth grinding. He needed a moment before he spoke in a sour and bitter voice. “Why? Why now?”

I knew what he was asking. “It’s got nothing to do with them. They don’t know, Tyler.” My guts twisted and felt as cold as steel. “I just don’t think it’s the right thing for us.” For you. I wasn’t lying, either. Not yet. But I wouldn’t shy away from falling that low if he pushed me. Right now, I was less of a coward than ever before and I just had to push through this one heartbeat at a time.

“Bullshit,” Tyler snapped. “You’re hiding something. I know when you’re not being open with me.”

I spun my head to face him. “Think about it. We’ve been dating girls for years. And then, suddenly, we just — what? — discovered we could do that in-house?” My heart sank. “It’s not good, Tyler. We’re like…brothers.” I wanted to scream. “I think we fooled ourselves because our relationships weren’t going well. That was all.”

Tyler’s eyes were ablaze. “Do you seriously expect me to think this has nothing to do with your dad’s homophobia?” He shook his head furiously. “Where’s this coming from? Truly?”

I forced myself to keep looking into his eyes. If you stay with me, I’ll only ever hold you back. I’ll keep using you to feel good and you’ll never know what you’re missing if you stay. “Nowhere. Why does it have to come from somewhere else, Ty? I thought about it and this is how I feel.” Lies.

“I don’t believe you,” he said, his tone softer now with sadness. I figured he would be sad. But only for a little while. Then, he could be happy again. And someone who wasn’t me could make him infinitely happier than he imagined.

I pursed my lips for a moment to gather my thoughts. “It was fun fooling around, Tyler, but we can’t really be together.”

“Why?” he demanded.

Because I don’t deserve you. I’d rather see you hate me for the rest of my life and be happy with someone else. “Because I don’t want it,” I lied. “I…I need to go,” I whispered. My voice was going to give me away and ruin the whole thing. I had to get out of here. I had to get away.

Tyler brought his face closer to mine, eyeing me with anger. “Why are you letting him get to you?”

Because I’m a coward. “Because he’s right. I made all the wrong choices, Tyler. Every single one. Northwood. Hockey. Jennifer.” Do it. Just fucking say it and be done with it. “You.”

Tyler closed his eyes and pulled back from me. That last word rang in my ears. I could see it on his beautiful face, the heartbreak. The loss. But he didn’t know it. He didn’t know he wasn’t losing anything. What he believed me to be was far better than who I really was. And on the day he realized that, a part of me would die, but he would be free.

I was silent, my legs turned to stone, my hands cold, and my face bloodless. I’m sorry, I wanted to say. I was desperate and heartbroken. If I couldn’t get out of this quicksand, at least I could push him out of it. What was the alternative? To keep him close and leech onto him like a vampire? The worst of all was that I wanted to talk about this. I wanted to tell him what it felt like to break his heart. Who else could I ever tell that to?

“I can’t believe you’re doing this,” he said.

I said nothing to that. I wished I could move my feet and get away, but I couldn’t. They were glued to the ground. My brain controlled nothing but the tears I held back and the quiver that wanted to pass through my lips. Those cost me more effort than I had to spare. Somehow, I managed to whisper, “It’s better this way.”