Page 70 of Arctic Titans of Northwood U: Volume 2

“I really hope so,” I said and laughed darkly.

He let out a soft chuckle. Silence gathered between us. I thrust the bowl of Cheetos to Asher and he shrugged, then took a handful. “And Sebastian?”

My heart lurched. “What about him?” Fear that somehow he knew what I’d done warred with hope that I might have someone to talk to. I understood less than nothing.

“How’s he coping with all that mess?” Asher asked.

I popped a few Cheetos into my mouth, crunched them between my teeth, and gazed at the fire. A deep sigh welled in me, but I held it down. “He’ll get there. Slowly.” And I slowed him down further by making him question the only solid relationship he has in his life. The thought rose in me unexpectedly and made perfect sense. Guilt followed it. And notably, not a trace of regret. I managed to separate the two feelings very neatly. “I’m not totally sure how to help him through it.”

Asher pressed his lips tightly, his gaze darting to the fire. He was a handsome guy. The flames lit his face with soft, warm hues, and his eyes sparkled. I examined my feelings, using him in a way. There was no mistaking the fact that Asher was attractive. He was sullen and broody like Sebastian could be at times. His skin was clear and smooth, his hair somehow always perfect even at dawn when it was a messy mop on his head, and his physique was that of a true athlete. And yet, I felt nothing.

He breathed in, his bare torso rising. I wondered what it would feel like to touch his rounded pecs but discovered that I didn’t care. Yet in the same breath, my mind flickered back to Sebastian, and a hole of despair opened in my chest. Sudden fear climbed through my body. Would I ever get another shot? Imagining that last night had been the only chance felt terrible.

Asher’s slow exhale pulled me back to the present. “I’m really not the best person to offer relationship advice.”

“Struggling?” I asked conversationally. I didn’t want to pry.

He gave a little eye-roll as if to say I couldn’t imagine the scope of it. It felt about right. I thought the same thing. My heart tripped as I poked through my consciousness and the memory of the kiss. “What do you think it was like for Beckett when he fell for Caden?” The words were out of my mouth before I knew what I was asking.

Asher shook his head. “I imagine he just fell for him and didn’t think all too much about the rest.” He was quiet for a moment. “I don’t know if any of that matters at all.”

“Maybe a lifetime of thinking he was straight matters a tiny bit,” I said and laughed dryly. I had an urge to cover my face. I was straight. I had been straight my whole life. And yet, my dick had never been harder than when I kissed my best friend. And my heart had never been fuller than when we talked about being soulmates.

“Right,” Asher agreed. “Maybe just a little. But…he wasn’t straight.” Almost as though it made him sad, he added, “Straight guys don’t fall for other guys.”

I wanted to tell him how wrong he was, but I didn’t know where to begin. “I…don’t know if that’s true,” I said. I couldn’t trust anything I thought I knew.

Asher shrugged. “I knew I was gay when I was eleven. Thinking back, there were clues even when I was six. But I’m not sure it’s the same for everyone.”

“I never even thought about it,” I murmured, then wanted to bite my tongue off. Heat flushed my face, but Asher didn’t wince. He didn’t squirm, he didn’t get excited for gossip, and he didn’t fuss.

He simply nodded. “If you want to talk about anything, I know how to keep a secret. Gay boys usually learn to keep their mouths shut early.”

I glanced at him, hoping that the brief eye contact could convey my gratitude. I looked away because it felt like I was naked, exposed, and completely vulnerable. “I’m sorry that that’s how it is.”

He shrugged. “I was lucky. Mom’s cool. Stepdad’s even cooler. I didn’t have any issues.”

“Jordan?” I asked, curiosity winning the battle. “I can imagine him telling you to be responsible or something like that.”

Asher snorted. “Jordan…” Silence fell again. The fire crackled on and we snacked. Then, with a wide yawn, Asher got up. “I could use a few more hours of sleep.”

“Thanks for sitting with me,” I said.

Asher gave me a little smile. It was enough to make his dimples appear. He hesitated a moment, then walked away.

In the silence, I yawned and decided to give sleep another chance, too. I returned to our room quietly, laid down, pulled the covers up to my chin, and looked at the ceiling. The night was already winking out with the early rays of sunshine lighting up the sky, but I figured I could afford a late start tomorrow.

At the far end of the room, Sebastian was completely quiet until his voice danced through the night. “Ty? Are you freaking out?”

I was afraid of something so abruptly that I couldn’t inhale in that instant. I forced a short laugh. “Freaking out? Nah.”

He said nothing. He didn’t believe me, but he didn’t want to push me either. I could almost swap our places and think about it from his perspective. It was just that doing that broke my heart. It was as close to a betrayal as it could get without fully qualifying. I was supposed to lift him up and carry him through this. Instead, I had only added oil to the wildfire of his heartbreak. I had made him worry about our friendship.

“It’s just…” He paused, but I waited. “I don’t want you worrying. We’ve made worse mistakes than that.”

Why did it feel so wrong to hear him call it a mistake? I had had the clearest idea of what I had wanted to do in the heartbeat that preceded it. My doubts flooded me only after I had leaned in.

“Remember when we had that big fight?” he asked in a sleep-softened voice. “I wanted to run away from my home and you told your dad,” Sebastian spoke almost fondly of the fight that had separated us for over a week. He had come as close to hating me as he could. “I was in so much trouble, Ty.”