Page 46 of Arctic Titans of Northwood U: Volume 2

I obeyed, suddenly terrified of angering him more. It hadn’t meant to be this way. This was supposed to be a nice evening. I wanted Spencer to like Avery. I knew for sure Avery would have accepted it. And Cole was open to it.

My last friend in the world tugged at the cold, wet rag that my sweater had turned into. He pulled it up and commanded me to lift my arms. I did. My sweater went over my head and my skin prickled with chills. Cole muttered something, but he didn’t hesitate. He pulled my sweatpants down to my ankles and knelt to free them of my feet. “…sentimental idiot, freezing to death like a fucking lunatic…” He cut the flow of his words off and pushed my wet sweatpants away. “You’re changing that yourself.” He pointed at my damp crotch. “Here.” He rummaged through the clothes and handed me my underwear. He turned his back and walked to the door, shutting it closed.

It took me some time to get a grip on the waistband, then even more time to bend over and take the soaked fabric off. Moving my limbs helped. I put my underwear on, then fumbled to get a grip on a clean pair of sweatpants. Cole looked over his shoulder, then turned toward me. “Let me.” He was next to me in three big steps and went down to help drag the clothes on me. He added the undershirt before he helped me with a warm sweater. “Have your tea,” he said. “It’ll warm you up.”

This all had taken the last of my strength and I collapsed into the chair he had placed by the radiator. I had a sip and recognized the chamomile. I had no idea whose it could have been.

“Don’t go anywhere,” he told me, then disappeared again.

I hated sitting here alone. I changed my mind about the cave. I was buried in the silence like it was an avalanche. I couldn’t move without risking locking myself in this cold tomb. I couldn’t climb out of it.

Avery appeared in the center of my mind and my heart gave an aching murmur. I’m sorry, I wanted to say. It was never supposed to hurt you. But why would he believe anything that came out of my mouth?

Sometime later, Cole returned. He walked in with determination on his long face. He set a bottle of something on the table. “Figured this might help more than chamomile.” I looked at the label. Gin. Ugh. But I didn’t stop him when he set two glasses on the table and began pouring it. “I owe a favor to one of the seniors now, so you better get the most out of it.”

I pursed my lips, breathed for a moment, and then downed a shot of gin. It disgusted me to my core and I decided it was the first of my many punishments.

“I also owe a favor to Nick,” Cole said. Nick was his roommate. He wasn’t particularly social, so I only knew him in passing. I couldn’t think what Nick had done for Cole, but my friend leaned in conspiratorially. “You’re moving to my room for the time being. Nick gets the worst of it.”

That was a relief I hadn’t expected. Knowing I didn’t have to resist the temptation to smother the fucker in his sleep made everything a little easier.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

Cole poured me another shot of gin, but I drank the tea to soothe the burning that vile drink had left on its way down. Even so, I held my breath a moment later and downed my second shot.

“That’s right,” Cole encouraged me. “Let’s get you drunk and sleepy.”

My lower lip quivered. I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t deserve anything good in my life. What my distant parents had given me on the day I had come out was precisely what I should have been content with.

After a while, Cole successfully got me drunk. We were silent while at the task and I kept my thoughts guarded from intrusion. I didn’t want to face the soulless pit of my being. I couldn’t look at myself and admit that I had taken the best guy in the world and broken him.

The second part of the job failed. Not only was I not sleepy, I was starting to feel energized again. The weary shell I existed in felt elated with the recovery of feelings in my limbs. And my heart ached more with every beat that sent blood traveling through my body. That was its sole use now, a mechanical pumping to keep me alive. Nothing good remained for it to do. Nothing to hold dear or skip a beat for.

“I fucked it all up,” I said in a broken whisper. “Everything. Everything that was good about my life.”

Cole remained silent for a while.

Whether he had nothing to say or wanted to encourage me to go on, I wasn’t sure. I spoke again. “I can’t believe I did this to him.” Voicing it made it so much worse. It cracked a dam that held all my emotions in one place. “I never meant to hurt him, Cole, I swear. It wasn’t supposed to go like this. It wasn’t…” Breathing became impossible. The tightness in my chest felt like someone had dropped a boulder on me. I clutched it, heaving for air. My lip quivered, and a new, immense cry welled in me. I wouldn’t let it out. I wouldn’t. “We were going to be happy,” I whispered in haste. “We were supposed to stay together. The bet…the dare…it meant nothing. It was just a trick…”…to boost my confidence. It was only a scheme for me to let all my crazy ideas become reality. I didn’t know how much of that I said aloud. I didn’t know if Cole wanted to hear any of it.

Hot tears ravaged my face again. Air drained from my lungs, and I bent over, crying silently, breathlessly, and shuddering while Cole dropped next to me and wrapped his arms protectively around me.

I had wanted to shower him with gifts. I had wanted to make him laugh at least once a day. I had wanted to care for him precisely how he deserved to be cared for. And I had wanted him selfishly, too. To hold me, to touch me, to kiss me.

To love me.

I had wanted him to admire my clever gifts and funny texts. I had wanted him to think of no one else because I would be enough. My vanity.

I was such a waste of oxygen, making someone crush on me so I would feel good about myself. Making him fall for me just so I could prove my parents wrong for severing contact.

“It’s okay,” Cole said, his chin resting on the back of my head as he wrapped himself around me. “Let it all out. You can cry.”

I didn’t know how long I was like that. I held my breath to stifle my sobs until sweat broke over me. And when I inhaled, I hiccuped like a toddler on his first day in kindergarten. I was a collapsing mess of tears and sweat, and I just wanted the ground to swallow me whole and make this stop.

But it wouldn’t. And the pain passed. Not enough to go on living, but enough to sit straight again.

Cole and I had another round of dry gin. We sat in silence, like two people in mourning. Nothing either one of us could say would start to make things right. It wasn’t his lack of caring, I realized. Far from it. He cared enough to let us be quiet no matter how awkward it could get. He had changed me when I was wet and defrosted me when I was an idiot. He had gotten gin into me so I would blow some steam off. And he sat with me as I mentally plugged out. I gave up things one after the other. Lectures, gone; drills, not doing them; gym, not even going close to it. Love? I would never be so cruel again to trick someone into loving me. I didn’t deserve it.

The person who strolled into the kitchen was nonchalant about having his fingers in the wrecking of my life. He moved as if I wasn’t here. He opened the fridge like he hadn’t just broken two hearts with his evil words.