Page 160 of Arctic Titans of Northwood U: Volume 1

When his voice wavered and faded out, I nodded. “I know that. And I won’t push you. I would never push you.”

“If only we could…” But he didn’t say it. He didn’t add insult to my injured heart by proposing we just keep things as they were. “Ah.” He forced on a smile, then shook his head. “I get it.”

Of all the things I had expected, this was not one. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t fighting me. He wasn’t making it worse by trying to persuade me. Christ, why did he have to be so adult about it? Gratitude for such a responsible reaction filled me as much as I wished to be convinced otherwise.

“You’re the best thing that happened to me,” Beckett said as he pulled away from me gracefully. “Don’t go back to hating me, now.”

“I couldn’t,” I said.

He shrugged. “I’m a coward, Jones. I knew that. I just didn’t realize how big of a coward I was until now.”

I knew you wouldn’t fight for us, I thought, but it served no point to throw that blame at him. It was my fault anyway. I had known this was inevitable. I just hadn’t realized how hard it would be to let him go. “It’s not your fault.”

“You keep saying that,” he said quietly, just a little louder than a whisper.

I shook my head. “I mean it. It’s nobody’s fault. We need…different things.” I need a guy who’ll stick by me when others are in sight. I saw no point in saying that. Instead, I stepped forward. I gently took his shirt in my right fist, softly inching his body closer to mine, and pressed my lips against his one last time.

In my heart, I made a promise. If I were still single when Beckett worked through his feelings and reached a conclusion, and if he still wanted me, I wouldn’t hesitate. All these many weeks of having him showed me just how easily I could get used to him.

I kissed him even though it pained me. I kissed him goodbye, all the while hoping it wasn’t the last.

Beckett pulled away first. Maybe he was the smarter one out of the two of us. Maybe he was hurt. Whatever the answer, I kept my eyes closed when he pulled away and opened the door of my room, walked out, and closed it behind him. He was gone.

When I opened my eyes, I felt no better. I still didn’t have what I wanted. Emptiness in my chest told me of a heart beating only to sustain my life. My guts were steel; my legs were lead. I couldn’t feel my hands.

At least I wasn’t teasing an impossible future for myself. At least I wasn’t going down the road where the destination was resentment and bitterness. And tomorrow, when a new day comes, I would honor my promise.

I would be his friend.

Chapter Eighteen

BECKETT

Damn.

I stood in the hallway, my breath slowly leaving my shuddering lungs. I hadn’t seen that coming when I should have. Of course he wouldn’t be happy like this for long. It was obvious now that I thought about it.

The prospect of sneaking back into my room and staring at the ceiling until dawn hardly excited me. But the thought of going out in this cold and dreary weather seemed worse.

I only wanted to go back to his room. I only wanted to spend my nights there.

I couldn’t, though. Not anymore.

I realized I was clawing my own palms and biting my lip when white pain flashed in front of my eyes. I released my lip, but my fists didn’t relax. I returned to my room, where Jordan was still awake, lying on his back, scrolling through his phone.

“Back already?” he asked, barely lifting his gaze from the screen. I was grateful that his attention was elsewhere.

“Didn’t feel like going out after all,” I murmured and went straight into the bathroom. I undressed and splashed water over my face, returned to the room, and slipped under the covers. Jordan didn’t bother me. Nobody bothered me. My aura was probably so dark and gloomy that he could feel how unapproachable I was. I realized from the pain in my face how much my muscles were flexing. My mouth dragged into an upturned horseshoe. I was one ‘Are you okay?’ from ripping someone’s head off.

As I lay there, I saw the infinite possibilities before me. One, shiny and crisp, played out before my eyes. In it, I marched back to Caden’s room. “How dare you break it off with me?” I demanded. “Nobody dumps me. I’m the one who does the dumping, asshole.” In another, I pleaded, annoyed, and pestered him to keep things as they had been. In yet another, I stormed into his room and challenged him harder to prove he couldn’t be with me.

But even as I fantasized about all the ways to fight him or fuck him or persuade him to hold me like he had for so many nights, I knew I couldn’t do anything. His request was the simplest ever. He didn’t need to spell it out for me. It was the bare minimum you expected of someone you dated. If we even dated.

We had never done it the right way around. We hadn’t gone out on dates or sought things we had in common. Instead, we found the one thing that made all the others work and we practiced the hell out of it.

But he left me with only one path forward. I wished I could blame him for that. I wished I could stand before him, tell him what an asshole he was, throw my pain in his face, and watch him regret his words. But he did nothing wrong.

Damn him. He did nothing wrong.