Page 159 of Arctic Titans of Northwood U: Volume 1

It just made my desperation worse. He was making such a visible effort while the only thing I truly wanted was the one thing he couldn’t give me.

His gaze scanned me and found my eyes. He watched me silently, his expression going from playful to nothing and, finally, to concerned when I didn’t say anything. I had one hand on the back of my desk chair, the other hanging uselessly by my side.

“Something happened,” he said.

I shook my head. My gaze slid along his attire. My body screamed to be nearer to him, but my heart trembled.

“Are you worried about tomorrow?” he asked, but I could hear in his voice that he knew the Vikings weren’t my biggest concern. “Because if you are, I promise we’ll kick their asses. They will weep to their mothers when we’re done with them.” The playfulness he had never displayed around me until Milwaukee touched his voice, but it was a half-effort.

I licked my lips, buying time and searching for the words that wouldn’t come to me. I didn’t know the right way to proceed. I had been foolish to think I could ignore the real world for so long. The worry thundered through me. The sense of loss was already apparent, even if what I was losing was standing right before me, willing, yet afraid.

“If something happened, I want you to know that you can tell me,” Beckett said.

My heart cracked. I felt it as my heartbeat sped and slowed erratically, learning to work now that it was in the tatters of my own design. “I want to,” I said.

Beckett was still leaning against my door, but he was stiffer than he had been a moment ago. “Go on, then.”

I bit my lower lip so hard that my vision blurred for a moment. I blinked to clear it and inhaled. “I want to, but…”

His lips pressed tightly together. He swallowed.

“Is that even who we are?” I asked and immediately realized my mistake.

Beckett gave me a handsome half-smile, lifting one side of his lips in that sexy way of his. “We could be,” he tempted me.

I knew that his offers were kind. I knew he meant well. But he dangled the possibility of a relationship like bait before a very hungry and increasingly more desperate fish. He didn’t mean to hurt me when the hook sank into my flesh and when he reeled me in. He only wanted us both to have a good time, but our definitions of a good time were different.

Assent rose through me. I wanted to nod and blend with him. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and just go on. But even so, I knew it would keep me awake and hurting. It would be just another Peter Pan or Alexander from sixth grade. It would end the same way.

I did nod, but I quickly corrected that into a headshake. “I’m about to ask you something, Beckett. And you’re gonna say ‘no.’”

He was brave in how he lifted his chin and forced the frown away from his eyebrows.

“Fuck…” I shut my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at the way he’d styled his hair with clay, making it deliberately messy. “I really like you, Beckett.”

He nodded eagerly like this was a good thread to follow. “I like you too. I like you. A lot.”

I let the corners of my lips twitch on the verge of a smile. When I looked at him again, he pushed himself away from the door and towards me. There were still two paces between us and I used the distance to get the words out. If he got any closer, I would falter. “That’s why it’s so hard to ask you this. And listen, I don’t blame you one bit. It’s your life. You get to call the shots. But I have a life, too, and I can’t go on like this. I need more, Beckett, but I know it’s unfair to ask that of you. I just know I can’t do this anymore.”

“Why? Why now?” Panic was obvious when it rose to his face and voice.

I inhaled a shaky breath of air. “I take full responsibility, I swear. But I’m only able to do that now. I know where that will get us if we keep sneaking around like this. Where it’ll get me. And I don’t want to go back to hating you.” It’s worse than dying, I thought and decided not to say those words. “I only just came out properly. I can’t live in the shadows when every part of me shudders at the idea. And you’re still just discovering yourself, which probably makes me the worst guy in the world. But, I wanna be your friend through it.”

“Stop,” he said, his frown now freer. He made another step toward me and I was about to break.

“No. I can’t. I need to get this off my chest. Beckett, I can’t go back into the closet with you.” The words were harsher than any I had hoped to utter. I blinked at the morphing expression on his face. He went from surprise and mild annoyance to total disappointment. “I’ll be here for you, I promise. I will.”

Beckett’s face hardened. He shook his head. “I think I’m good,” he said. He made the last step toward me, but it wasn’t to take me and convince me otherwise. He lingered some inches away from me, never letting our bodies touch. “I’m not confused. I’m not gay. Or bi. Or straight. And I’m not searching for a label, either, Caden. It’s not my sexuality. It’s all you. You’re my type.” The determination to confront me with these things faded and his features softened. “It’s not boys. It’s not girls.” He looked into my eyes and I found a glimmer of hope there, but he blinked it away. “You said you wanted to ask me something. Something I won’t be able to do.” It was a plea. It was like he hoped I was about to ask him for anything but the very thing I needed most.

Be my partner.

Be my boyfriend.

Let everyone see if they wish.

“You already know,” I whispered over the knot in my throat.

Beckett cleared his throat as he stepped back. Regret pooled in his eyes. “Caden, I…”